I think we can all agree every relationship has a ‘honeymoon’ like stage in the beginning. Where you’re crazy and all over each other and you’re brain is insanely affected by good feeling chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.
Eventually that stage fizzles out, you still really like the person and don’t want to break up, but you’re not crazy deep in feelings. You just know them really well, you both have seen each other’s good and bad side, when you embarrass yourself you dont feel as anxious as you would in that beginning stage, you talk to them everyday and theyre a part of your routine now and not just a new thing that came into your life, etc.
So my question is how do you differentiate between that experience of moving past the early stage of the relationship vs actually not being in love with them anymore? People always talk about how when you lose feelings you try to get them back and if you can’t you’re supposed to break up with the person to avoid leading them on or wasting their time. But what if that moment of “losing feelings” is just becoming used to the person and more comfortable with them after they become a consistent part of your life?
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Romantic feelings are majorly complicated, but as I understand it:
Imagine that your current partner suddenly just became your casual friend. If that upsets you then you may well still like them romantically.
Do you miss them when they’re gone? Do you see something cool/interesting and want to tell them about it first? Does the thought of them having sex with someone else make you feel terrible?
It’s different in many relationships but I think there are some underlying cross sections that generally matter.
If you want to have sex with them that’s generally a good sign you’re not seeing them as just friends.
Stuff about telling them about your day can happen with folks you aren’t interested in making out with. If you’re interested in making out and talking about your day that’s a good sign in the romance department.
If you think about their happiness and well-being before you consider your own that a very good sign.
If you actively think about your lives together and want to continue to make the effort and choices that leads to that, another good sign.
When the honeymoon phase ends, you either realize you love them for real or not.
Either you feel very strongly that you want them to be happy and healthy. A sense of protectiveness and a willingness to go far out of your way to help them. Or you don’t.
You can love someone without them being right for you. So the second question is if you feel happy being with them. If it feels right. If hanging out with them makes your day lighter or harder. If you feel comfortable leaning on them when something is troubling you. Do you feel relieved when they leave or not?
Do you feel that being single would be easier or harder? Do you feel you can really talk to them and that you connect emotionally and intellectually? Do you feel you understand each other? Do you want similar everyday lives and futures? Have they got your back?
You can love someone and feel at ease with them, without romance though. So the third question would be if you still feel sexually attracted to them. It won’t be all the time, intensely, like bunnies, as in the beginning. But a calmer form of attraction. Do you still desire them?