A bone of contention between my ex and I was that he wasn’t comfortable introducing me to some of his best friends, not because he wasn’t ready but because he feared these friends, whom he considered pretty judgmental, wouldn’t like me. It crushed me.
I told him that I also had normal fears about my friends not taking to him, but then realized it didn’t matter as long as my friends were civil to him and vice versa. If they were toxic to him for no reason, I’d see it as a reason to get rid of them and not the other way around. We’re grown-ups. We don’t have to be besties with each friend’s SO. It’s nice if an SO fits in, but I’m not going to get rid of an SO who I really like in every other regard just because he doesn’t quite gel with my circle.
Thoughts?
39 comments
As you get older your circle becomes your SO and your kids. Not your friends.
Not important at all. It’s not super common for my lovers to spend time with my friends, anyway, and I certainly don’t expect it. The time I have for romantic connections is always going to be limited so I prefer it to be quality time one on one.
Friends are 99.9% fake anyway and a waste of time! Acquaintances is what they all become after time!
>How important is it that your SO is friends with your friends?
Not terribly important, but one would hope they could at least get along.
>he wasn’t comfortable introducing me to some of his best friends, not because he wasn’t ready but because he feared these friends, whom he considered pretty judgmental, wouldn’t like me.
This is the concerning part. If he felt strongly enough about you, it shouldn’t have mattered what they thought. And if they were unreasonably judgmental, maybe he needs different friends.
They don’t have to be friends at all, my oldest friend of over 30 years has been with his fiancée 15 years and I’m godfather to their little boy, at most I’d say my relationship with his fiancé is civil. Only really see her at family occasions and even when I go visit she prefers to be out of the way, we’ll have a little chat out of courtesy but that’s it. Not friends with any of my friend’s partners and it works fine. The issue here is, he wouldn’t introduce you at all, and as much as I’m definitely not trying to be friends with her friends, I feel “they won’t like you” is interesting, and I’d be curious to know how they formulated that opinion, and how that manifests when she meets with them.
From my experience, if someone is hiding his SO from his friends is because they don’t want them to see another side of his personality.
It’s all about how much of an individual you are. A leader or a follower.
I tend to dance to my own music, I appreciate my friends and they will only hate him if he miss treats me.
His friends are different, he is a follower what ever they say goes. They encourage miss behavior including cheating as they do it themselves. I have every reason not to like them and they dont like me.
That is why he is my ex
>How important is it that your SO is friends with your friends?
Very. My friends are my community. They are my chosen family.
>he feared these friends, whom he considered pretty judgmental, wouldn’t like me. It crushed me.
It would for me, too. Honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. If you don’t think your community will accept me, then I don’t want to be a part of it. And I’m not here to ask you to give up your community, so I’ll just see myself out. Bye.
And, I actually did this. A woman told me her teenage son and her sister (who she described as trump supporters) both did not approve of her dating me because I’m liberal and so is my community. They didn’t want her hanging around gay people and sinners (she was over 40). The rest of her community was similar, though she swore she didn’t agree with them… Around 4 dates in, I threw in the towel. Her community was never going to be a good fit for me.
>Thoughts?
I agree entirely with your second paragraph.
I’m a bit torn on this. Despite being a very open and social person I don’t have many friends.
I wouldn’t mind meeting my SO friend’s group and I’d hope they would like me and we could be positive for each other.
I would, however not accept to be separated or hidden from my SO social life like OP explains
Zero important. So long as they are able to get along and be civil when they see each other.
That being said, I think your partner telling you he fears his friends won’t like you is a horrible thing to say. Sounds just like an excuse to not introduce you to his friends to me.
I wouldn’t care in the slightest, as long as they’re civil enough to get along. I expect from a person my age that they’re not *that* socially inept that they aren’t even able to be polite with people they aren’t that fond of.
I completely understand your reaction. People not liking each other is fine, people not being able to even accept and tolerate a person their good friend loves is concerning. I’d probably consider it a dealbreaker.
They don’t need to hang out solo, but my SO should be well enough adjusted to be able to try to belong in my groups. It takes little effort to be engaged.
Well… I don’t like some of my SO’s high school friends and honestly wished I could say I didn’t know them, particularly the women. They are absolutely not my crowd and I don’t enjoy being associated with them in an way shape or form. I do tolerate them out of civility but tbh I struggle, I don’t find their humor fun and I find they have no manners.
I WISHED he didn’t present me to those friends, so whenever I saw them I didn’t have to say hi.
Not important. I would like if they got along but they don’t necessarily need to be hanging out.
Pretty important! Like, I don’t expect anyone to be besties immediately and forever, but putting in *some* effort and being able to hold a conversation is pretty important. In my last LTR, he was super insecure and loathed a lot of my friends for really dumb reasons, like working jobs that were “too corporate” or having the audacity to prefer craft beer to PBR, and it was consistently exhausting.
I think your point about being civil is the most important part for me. My friends and I doing things constantly. I don’t need my partner to do all those things. Given how extroverted I am, it’s likely not a match if my partner doesn’t want to anything with my friends. My friends will always welcome anybody that I am dating. They want me to be in a happy healthy relationship. Any “friend” that doesn’t want that for me/would be judgmental isn’t a friend.
I want to build a life with someone. I can’t envision a world where I have to keep my friends separate from my partner. Besties not required but civility is required.
I would say it’s based in the situation.
Like if they don’t get along because there personalities don’t mesh then I could care less myself. Now if it’s because of jealous or other toxic reason then it would consider it more but from both sides.
Id like to be introduced to my SOs friend group . We will likely hang out together at some point, so it’d be great to get along and have fun. If they didn’t want to intro me to them, I’d feel they’re hiding something or don’t wanna make me part of their life, which is a dealbreaker for me.
Once we’re committed, I have no problems introducing my SO to my friends.
extremely important. with your long term/life partner, you are building a life together, and friends are such an important part of life. my boyfriend has all my bestie’s contact info and i have his, we get big groups of mixed friends together to go to music festivals, we party with each other’s friends most weekends, etc. if he’s not willing to introduce you to his friends i would think there’s part of him that’s ashamed of you and that would be a dealbreaker for me. that signals to me that he doesn’t think you’re going to be in his life for that long.
I’m not close to my family and my friends are my chosen family – so it is somewhat important to me that they get along. They don’t have to be besties or anything, but it would be nice to be able to hang out together at times and everyone is able to talk to each other and have a good time instead of just awkward silence.
It’s not important they be friends, IT IS important that I would be introduced and vice versa. Too shady IMO if my bf doesn’t intro me to his friends….like is he ashamed or what? And it honestly doesn’t make sense if you’re seeing someone seriously because if you get married then what?
Not important at all. If they somehow met each other at a gathering yes for sure I’d introduce them but wouldn’t actively try to bring them together and I wouldn’t care about being invited to my SOs hang outs with his buddies or him being invited to my friend gatherings.
In fact I’d prefer it if me and my SO had a life and group of people of our own, makes the relationship more interesting and a better dynamic when your worlds aren’t completely enmeshed together.
Ugh my ex tried to fit me into his circle. I succeeded, but it was pointless how much he harped on it. They don’t even hang out anymore.
Whenever someone asks this question I always think of the world’s theory from Seinfeld.
Whenever someone asks this question I always think of the world’s theory from Seinfeld.
My ex didn’t introduced me to his friends eventhough he expressed to me that they were his family, so I understood they are super important for him…
After 6 months he never introduced me, however he did meet my friends and part of my family. And the las time we had a fight I said to him that it was kinda shitty that eventhough he goes to events (like bdays parties, bbqs, kids celebrations, etc not just boys nights) with his friends, that he hasn’t introduced me
His answer was: My friends wouldn’t give two dog shits if they get to meet you…
For me it was the first experience that the guy I’m with didn’t want me to be included in his life and for me just to be 1 isolated part.
For me is super important to see if my friends/family vibe with him, and for me it’s also very important to get to know that cause it tells you a lot about a person and you get to see if you’re truly gonna be compatible… Just my humble opinion
This is an unfortunate set of circumstances. Partly because you’re having to navigate through your relationship with him, but also now he’s involving you in what I see as a two party issue between him and his friends.
My take would be that if he were really concerned about the impression you are going to make with his friends, he would discuss that with *them* before discussing it with you. His communication is making it hard for you (and him!) to navigate this when he puts these thoughts in your head before doing anything he can do to alleviate his friends’ judgement.
TLDR; I feel that this is on him to communicate his concerns about you being judged with his friends first. If they have a problem with that, they are lame friends. That’s my take.
Take care 💜
they don’t have to be besties but yes, can’t have any awkwardness or resentment, must be at least moderately engaged with everyone when out.
and dude was a fucking asshole for saying they might not like you. eq = -236
Super important. If your friends aren’t arbitrary randos and you actually have a meaningful connection with them, and the same with your SO, why wouldn’t you care if they didn’t get along?
As long as they get along in a civil matter and possibly discuss some interests. My ex is a introvert that doesn’t really like socializing (I thought he was anti social but he just hates people). He only talks to my friends if spoken to or if something peaks his interests. Doesn’t really initiate conversation (he does ok starting convo with me). Oddly enough his personality changes when he talks to his coworkers, becomes more friendly. I try to coax him gently to communicate with my friends more and even with me but his personality was just like that. Thinking back I did majority of the emotional and labour work.
Mind you my ex had no friends since the 10 years we’ve been dating.
I knew my ex would not get along with my friends. I dreaded get togethers where he would come along. However I never didn’t invite him or include him when SOs were coming. If my friends turned toxic or if my ex turned toxic in their interactions I would have dealt with it accordingly. I never told my ex about my nervousness about this because I wouldn’t want him to feel less than but just warn him about certain folks who I knew would be triggers.
Might be worth asking, “Being a part of my SO’s friend community is important to me. Why do you think they will be judgmental?”
> If they were toxic to him for no reason, I’d see it as a reason to get rid of them and not the other way around.
It’s a big red flag when your new SO comes in and starts suggesting for me to get rid of my friends. Please please make sure your questions and remarks never comes across this way.
Friends friends not important, he should have his own friends and a life besides me. I would want then to get along in cases where we will have to be all together like parties or stuff like that. But if my friends don’t like my partner I wouldn’t end stuff with either party, unless some of them is being rude or disrespectful towards the other
not really… dont really care
Zero importance.
My SO doesn’t really like any of my friends beyond civility also. My circle enjoys going out to dance at clubs, eat dinner afterwards at one of the many “hangover”-catering restaurants we have here (college town) and then meet up again for brunch the next morning. We stay out allll night and generally stay out of trouble even if we are a bit obnoxious at times. Noted: this does not happen every weekend, it’s usually once a month we can all get together and make schedules work around kids, etc.
My SO likes to stay home or go to a friends’ house, play board games or Jackbox, have some beer, someone always cooks and they do recipe contests sometimes where we all vote for the best….they play music, build a fire, smoke and toke, sometimes indulge in some magical fungi, and then go to bed at 10-11pm.
I hang with both groups and enjoy it every time. My SO does NOT have any interest in joining my group of friends. We are too loud (or the places we go are) and we stay up too late. We are happy with disentanglement and having separate social lives. It keeps things interesting because we always have different experiences to talk about.
Controversially, I would not want my SO to be friends with my friends. They should be civil and obviously not loathe each other but they should be kept separate. I have had quite bad experiences regarding this. I’ve had friends be super passionate about me becoming friends with their SO, then they break up with that SO and tell me to block them on social media and to no longer associate with them. That puts me in a very painful position.
I would prefer that people’s support systems are separate and clear. I would find it very healthy for the situation to be – “These are *my* friends.” and not “These are *our* friends.”. There are plenty of human beings to be friends with out there, I don’t feel the need to share friends with an SO because that could blow up massively leaving one party without a support system in terms of a break up
However, your case is slightly stranger. He doesn’t want to introduce you at all, which is quite a hardline version of my own position. I would expect to be introduced to a friend’s SO but becoming friends with them is a no-go for me from now on.
Not important at all. In fact my friends know I have 0 interest in meeting another man
I think it would a reall bummer if my SO didn’t at least try to be friends with my friends. We love to discuss and, sometimes, argue about the personalities we interface with, but generally we both try to be pleasant to each other’s friends.