Hey there. Looking for some brutally honest advice here and particularly would be interested in a male’s perspective. I (37F) currently live abroad (Canada) and went home (Southern Hemisphere) for Christmas and while I was there I met a really great guy (38) via Bumble, and we had what I thought was a great holiday fling. At the time I was pretty unattached as I knew I was returning back to Canada and initially just felt there wouldn’t be much future in it, but really enjoyed every moment we had together. We spent about three weeks together in total but during that time he would keep mentioning that he didn’t want me to leave etc and seemed as though it could really be something – he even met my parents and voluntarily stayed for dinner after dropping me off on like, our fourth date… So on the last day of my trip we ended up having a chat about it and decided to continue to be in touch. I had said that I didn’t want there to be too much pressure on things so we talked about him visiting, and I had said there is the option to rent out my condo and return for a longer period if we really thought it could be something.
Once I was back in Canada we kept in touch via video chats and texting for about a month, and once covid restrictions eased he then booked flights (I feel like it’s worth mentioning these flights cost $2k – this is a major international flight) to come and visit me for a month in the summer. This was all completely of his own volition. I was really surprised, as at the time of booking this visit was planned for six months away so it seemed like a real vote of confidence as to what this was. A few weeks after he booked the flights I had mentioned that I was going to delete my bumble account (we met on bumble) because I felt like it wasn’t really fair to be on there while he was planning to visit me. He said it hadn’t really occurred to him because he was so focused on me – but I didn’t leave that conversation feeling confident that he was also coming off bumble or that we were exclusive. I deleted my account the next day and I am still unsure if he is on there or not. Until that point he HAD been very verbal about how he felt about me which was really reassuring.
Anyway, things seemed to be going well and I was really making an effort to keep the momentum going and let him know that I was into this but it just seemed to fizzle out. All of a sudden – which happens to coincide with him starting a new job – the video calls were less frequent and when we did speak he seemed to be distracted, or on the way somewhere each time we spoke – essentially just never really giving me his full attention and there wasn’t much of an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. I eventually addressed this in one call and he said he would prefer to do more regular/shorter calls, than less frequent/longer calls and I was ecstatic about this because it was exactly what I wanted. However, they did not really transpire. His new job does sound very stressful and full-on and I do trust him but this was all really unsettling, and at this point it felt like his verbal reassurances were less frequent and I just sensed something was up.
There was one time he brushed me off from a planned video call, and when I replied to his texts I could tell on WhatsApp that he hadn’t even looked at them – I had sent my reply about 6pm his time – so just knowing he hadn’t read or replied to a text from me as the last thing before bed just felt a bit off. So the next day I asked if we could chat. I asked him if everything was OK, and raised the concern that it felt like things had shifted a bit so I was feeling a bit worried about what that meant. He said he was really finding the distance hard and that it was reminding him of a prior long-distance relationship that had not worked out, and among other things he mentioned “he didn’t want to hurt anyone” and something about “neither of us are getting any younger” but also that he “hadn’t made any decisions”. At the time of the call I was approaching this from the perspective of wanting to know what we could do to keep the momentum going until he comes to visit but afterwards I reflected on the call and those things have obviously really stuck with me… Leading me to think he HAS actually already made up his mind and he is just waiting for ME to have the uncomfortable conversation and call it off. (On our second date he told me about how he orchestrated his last breakup because he didn’t want to do it, so just waited until she got so fed up she broke up with him). Now I feel uneasy that this is where he’s at, because we didn’t really resolve the conversation as again, he was due somewhere with family and the connection was poor so we signed off saying we’d revisit the chat soon.
Communication has been sparse since then. He texted me a few days after the call asking how my weekend was, and I kept it really light and jokey – he didn’t reply until about a week later. I haven’t replied as I’m so confused about what to do. Until this point we had been in touch every day via text.
Ultimately I would still like him to come in the summer but I am not sure if this is too far gone. Now that we haven’t spoken for a while it’s a bit awkward so my next step was to text something like, “Hey, just wanting to check in.. When we spoke last you had mentioned a couple of things that stuck with me so I’m just wanting to chat about that. I am still excited about the prospect of you coming in July but I’m not sure where you’re at?”
Would love to hear your thoughts.
13 comments
I’m sorry but it’s over
I would assume he met someone else
Let it die…..And never, ever, ever try to do long distance again with someone you’re not already in a long term committed relationship or marriage with. Even then, you need to minimize the tone of separation.
Woman here. I’ve wasted time many times being stuck on someone who wasn’t into me. My thoughts are to let go of how things were in the beginning and make a decision from how things are now.
This guy has moved on from whatever you two had. Do the same. Delete him. Don’t contact. Cry when you need to. Throw yourself into your life. Meet others.
Find someone local. This is not a real relationship.
I’m sorry, this sounds emotionally painful and like a total rollercoaster. It seems like he genuinely developed deep feelings for you and at one point wanted something long term but either reality caught up with him or he met someone else, who really knows. If a closure talk makes you feel better then go for it, but I’d be fully prepared to cut it off and move on. This is a tough situation and I know that there’s guys you can meet in your city who are just as great and wouldn’t make life so tough!!
so long as you have voiced your feelings on it, you basically gave him that chance to show u he gives a crap about you..
and I’m afraid it isn’t giving you the evidence that he does care…
I’m in an LDR. I understand that cost investment in terms of seeing each other. Not only is it the initial investment but it’s also investing our time off work, etc.
The proof that keeps me staying though, is the effort I do see on his part.
He isn’t AS texty as I am… like in general he isn’t one to be glued to his phone like I am..so when he messages me (which is often, especially for someone who’s never on his phone really), I know it’s him caring..
when he’s gonna have quality time with his kids , he calls me after he gets off work, and that’s the in between time before he sees his kids…
It’s hard ngl, but the balance of effort has to be met in the middle… our lives stay full, apart from each other… but we are still showing our commitment and effort.
It is painful when the effort is not reciprocated and I am still preparing for the worst to be honest lol.. comes with the relationship anxiety…. But I will play it by ear. Because if my guy stops showing that effort, I’ll have to let him go. for myself.
Do not give him more than he is giving… that’s a rule I’m keeping for myself.
I understand the difficulty, you are not alone.
Reading texts and texting back is like the very lowest bar. We are all on our phones in the bathroom. I’d move on.
It sounds like he has found someone else. If he asks you about the visit and you want to see him, I say go for it. But I would sign back on bumble and n yourself someone else. Treat him like an option and nothing more
I’ve been there like whoa, and you have all my sympathies. I’m wondering if maybe thinking about whether the current status is working for you would help. IF you’re super zen about it all, I’d just remove the expectations and let him contact you if/when he wants to. But if you’re going to be hoping and worrying, I’d suggest trying something like, “Hey! I’m super into you and excited about you coming to visit so we can see if this something worth taking to the next level. Based on your level of communication, though, I’m getting the sense that you’re not in the same place.” Etc.
I’m wondering if maybe the new job is making him realize how tied he is to life is his city/country. Unless you’re thinking of moving home, he may be realizing all the impracticalities.
I mostly just want to offer my “been there and it hurts” sympathies, really. I met a guy in a city/country I visit annually (if not more). We stayed in constant communication with several visits, and then he slow faded on me, and it fucking sucked. It’s been a few years and I’m still processing. I think part of it is that no matter what, when it’s long distance there’s a level of fantasy/idealization involved.
I went through something similar last summer. Unfortunately I think when this happens, the person has already made a unilateral decision in their head that long distance isn’t going to work for them, but instead of communicating, they just start to distance and let things fizzle. My advice is to heed his actions – he’s not available for what you want. Consider it over but if you want closure, I’m betting that bringing it up will lead to a “sorry I just can’t make long distance work” conversation
Sorry but I think it’s over. I’m in LDR, it is hard (Van-QC) and sweet at the same time. Both parties must put in the same level of effort and i tell myself don’t be afraid to end things if it’s not right. We are not getting younger anymore… Cheers.
I am someone who has also tried LD setups and booked flights that cost a lot of money just to get cancelled on and let down. I’ve found that the monetary commitment is an L most people are willing to take and unfortunately isn’t an indicator of how committed they, or you, are.