A bit of a backstory before I ask my question. I was on holidays this past week, and so I was on the apps lots and got asked out by a few men. However, four of them ended up canceling/not following through on plans. Here’s what happened.
Man 1- said we should meet up Friday evening. I don’t think we had made concrete plans, but at this point I don’t even remember. On Friday, a few hours before we were supposed to meet, he said he was overrun with work and wouldn’t be able to meet. I said OK no problem. Didn’t hear from him again.
Man 2- he said we should meet up on Tuesday evening. Awesome. Didn’t hear from him on Sunday. Monday texted him, to see when and where he wanted to meet up on Tuesday. Nothing. Haven’t heard from him since.
Man 3- We were supposed to meet on Sunday. On Sunday he tells me he isn’t feeling good so he cancels. The next day he messages me to apologize and asks me if I would like to meet on Thursday instead. I didn’t have plans yet for Thursday, so I said yes. We planned a time and a location. On Wednesday I notice he has unmatched me. We had already exchanged phone numbers, so I texted him to see if we were still good for meeting on Thursday. No answer. Haven’t heard from him since.
Man 4- said we should meet up and asked me when I was free. I told him I was free Saturday afternoon. Didn’t hear from him for a bit. I texted him asking him where he wanted to meet up. He answers back saying he isn’t really into the dating thing and that he would prefer it if I just came over and we watched a movie together. I told him I would prefer meeting in a public place. Haven’t heard from him since.
So now I am just feeling sooo frustrated. I am going to take a break from the apps for a week or so, because, well, I need a break. But when I go back on, any tips so that men are better following through with plans? I have been on dating apps on and off for a long time, and I have never had so many men cancel/not follow through at once. So I dunno what is going on right now, but I am aware that the common denominator is me. I do try and ask when and where they want to meet, but don’t always get a clear answer. Anyway, any tips would be helpful.
Thanks!
Edit: thanks for the responses everyone. I think this was just a streak of bad luck. As some have suggested, I will try to do phone calls or video chats before meeting in person, because as they said, if the person flakes out on a call, it’s less time and effort that I had to put into that compared to a date. Also, I will remind myself that if there are no solid plans made, it’s not a date. I appreciate everyone that took the time to respond. đ
17 comments
This is incredibly common on apps. When you can set up an account/profile in 5 minutes and literally swipe while pooping, you get anyone and everyone f*cking around on them.
Personally, I won’t meet without a phone call or video chat first. I’m looking for a LTR so I consider it part of my ‘screening’ and a way to weed out the poop swipers from the people that are a bit more serious. It also helps to establish a connection and IMO, leads to better first dates. I think it’s also better to get flaked on over a phone call then it is for actual in-person date since there’s less effort involved.
First three men set up plans with other people and you were their just in case, pretty common.
Fourth man just wanted low effort sex, actually the most common.
Wait until you meet the guys who blow up your phone demanding you show up somewhere immediately on their timeline.
Also in Portland I encounter man who doesn’t work a regular schedule and can only meet on Tuesdays at 2:35pm.
If they donât set a day, time, and location when theyâre talking about meeting up, then theyâre just screwing around, and you should pass.
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I (64/m) had quite similar experience with OLD (seeking women 40â65) about 5 years ago. After 6â7 weeks of crazy, flakey, first-date-from-hell bullshit experiences, I deleted my profiles from the apps & havenât looked back. The IRL dating pool is much easier to wade through.
As far as I’m concerned, if you haven’t set a specific time and a place, you haven’t set up a date. “Let’s do something fun this Saturday” works with old friends but probably not with strangers.
That said, sometimes people just cancel for whatever reason, stop using the app, get busy or forget. I’ve had far fewer flakes after I made a habit out of exchanging numbers and switching to text when setting up the date.
these are men who have a few women lined up and then pick one. they double up in case one date falls through. same as women.
at some point we forgot the other person is a person. this is one of those disastrous consequences of the industrial revolution you hear about.
Sometimes you just have to wade through the garbage. Apps like these encourage low commitment filler talks where you can basically say or do whatever you want within reason, and men tend to think more with their nether regions and relatively short term. So it’s a lot of filtering. Sometimes there’s chemistry right away, others there’s a dry spell with plenty of “hallucinated oasis” so to speak.
” on holiday”
does it say that on your profile, did you mention that?
theres your answer, everybody knows you are just looking for a quick bang, turns out the desire for a relationship is alive and well
That’s a bad streak, I’m sorry. Seems men deal with the same thing. Goes to show people are just shitty all around
How hot are you?
Certain apps seem to have more flaky “candidates” than others. I have no idea why! Maybe try a different app and, if the same thing happens, then maybe something else is going on. (Can’t imagine what!)
If the plans aren’t solid, they aren’t plans. But also…………you have to tell them this so that it isn’t happening again.
The common denominator might feel like itâs you, but itâs not, itâs Online Dating. I am not a fan of online dating so this is gonna be a biased perspective.
It is my firm belief that until we meet someone in person, we arenât really seen as a real human being to them – we are essentially a simulation to interact with, or not, depending on our mood. Cancelling, dropping plans, ignoring texts etc is too easy when there is no obligation, no tangible reason to meet each other and no real world consequences for how we behave.
A tip I would give to avoid being cancelled on, is try move your interactions away from texts early on. Voice notes, phone calls, video chats – anything that makes you more ârealâ to the other person.
But my real tip is you seem like an enthusiastic person who is confident enough to arrange dates with new people, so Iâd wonder if there are opportunities around you to meet people, make new friendships in real life scenarios that might lead to finding guys to date. I (35F) deleted all online dating profiles at the beginning of this year in favour of making new friends IRL, and several of those friendships have lead to dates, sex, fun, excitement and a level of confidence I never once had using apps.
Iâve never experienced this on the apps, BUT I can 100% guarantee itâs nothing regarding you thatâs causing this. They donât know you at all so itâs impossible for it to be that. I would instead look at the men that you are engaging with on the apps.
I call them non dates. Dates that donât happen for whatever reason. At first I found it frustrating but now I just take it with a large bag of salt. After quite a few non dates I actually had a date this week so think itâs just a run of flaky people and dodged a few bullets.
tire kickers or married/SO comes to my mind. If someone is interested they will set a day, time, and place to meet and STICK WITH IT. If they have to reschedule it is THEIR job to set a day time and place to meet. I have had dates where they asked a couple hours before to move it to a later time for example from 6PM to 7PM I have no issues with that at least if I have a couple hours notice.