My BF and I have been in a relationship for close to a year now. I’m very much in love with him and I believe he feels the same. He is very sweet and unlike anyone I’ve ever been with. Unfortunately he isn’t happy in the state we live in. He is making plans to move out of state and tells me it will be at least a year to get his affairs in order before he can seriously start looking for a place to buy. I would love to go with but I have a 4y/o who I cannot take out of state as I share custody with his father.
I’m struggling with this as he wants to continue in the relationship like normal, like nothing is happening, but talks about his plans often. I let him know that I cannot go with him but he seems to want to try to find a way to make it work.
I don’t know how to handle this as I care about him a lot. I told him my only Idea would be for him to stay here until I could come with him one day after my son is of age. The sudden uncertainty of our relationship is stressful
Am I selfish for suggesting he just stay with me, even when things aren’t set in stone? Should I give it time and see if it’s an impulsive thought on his end because he’s stressed out because of work? Is it a sign he isn’t as serious in our relationship than I initially perceived? I don’t know..
TL;DR BF not happy where we live and wants to move out of state regardless if I can do with or not
3 comments
You can’t move for 14 years.
So either enjoy the relationship knowing it will end within a year or two, or break up.
If you are looking for a spouse, he’s obviously not the one. Because asking someone to wait 14 years will just cause resentment.
>Am I selfish for suggesting he just stay with me, even when things aren’t set in stone?
Well, you have a valid reason for not being able to leave. Isn’t it just as selfish for him to act as if you don’t have this problem and insist he comes with you, or you find a way to make it work regardless?
If long distance isn’t for you, then it’s not for you. Especially not if you’re going to have to stay where you are for another decade and change.
>Should I give it time and see if it’s an impulsive thought on his end because he’s stressed out because of work?
You could do that. Or you could talk to him about it all and find out what his motivations are. Is it the cost of living or property is lower in that state? Is it that he has relatives or friends there? Something else entirely? The more you know about why he wants to do this, the easier it’s going to be to make a decision.
>Is it a sign he isn’t as serious in our relationship than I initially perceived?
If he’s just not able to comprehend that you can’t go with him, then I don’t really know what to make of it. Maybe he’s in denial and doesn’t want to even think about the idea of leaving you or having to adjust to a new life somewhere else? Without knowing more about his motivations it’s hard to say.
He realizes you have a 4 year old, and can not, by law, move for 14 years. He wants to move soon. Once you take those two statements at face value, the answer is obvious.
You are not going to do long distance for 12 years. It’s not sustainable. Does he ever want to get married? Have his own kids? How would that work? Parenting in different states like divorced people? Of course not. Same thing for you. Do you want to get married? Have (more) children? If he is moving out of state, that is not your guy.
Even if you take (more) children out of the equation, would you even WANT to do long distance for 12+ years? Most people would not.
The pretty obvious answer here is, he cares about you, likes your lives as they are, and is happy to continue as things are until he moves.
Two things I’ve learned about relationships. 1 – You can’t control what your partner does/wants to do, and 2 – When someone tells you who they are (or what they want) listen.
He knows you can’t move, yet is still hoping to/talking about/planning on moving. He knows you can not compromise, even if you wanted to. He is telling you his end game plan, without coming out and saying it. You know the answer here.