I just wanted to yell into the void sorry if this post is incoherent.
For background I’m a 5’10 female and I like to think I’m pretty fit. Anyway I was having a hookup with a guy that I’ve been interested in for a while. He was fingering me and got really rough. Then he put his hand in my mouth and started fingering me rougher I wanted him to stop and kind of panicked so I tried pushing his hand out of me and it didn’t work. He didn’t even budge, I think this is the moment I realized how much stronger men really are than me. He’s not even that much taller than me!!! It was insane at one point I even tried pushing his hand out of me with my feet and he didn’t even move an inch. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think I was assaulted or anything because I think he thought I was pushing him back because I was coming or enjoying it (I never vocalized that I had an issue so I don’t blame him at all). Until this moment I’ve operated on the belief that it would be impossible for me to be raped/ abused/ beaten because of my stature but now I feel so small and weak. The world just seems a lot scarier now.
Edit: Holyshit I just realized that the dude might not have been the coolest person🤦(shocker) reflecting on that night I think he did a bunch of other shit that was really weird. Thank you Reddit for allowing me to spitball with you.
34 comments
Maybe one day guys will realize that just because it looks cool in porn doesen’t mean it will be the same with every girl in real life.
Be careful. If you have to go nuts or bite his hand to stop him, do so. It sounds like you couldn’t vocalize because his hand was in your mouth?
As a 4’11 and 104 lbs woman, I totally know that any man can basically crush me with a finger.
The world IS scary. My male partners even are scared _for_ me upon realizing how weak I am.
On a side note, perhaps next time you need an agreed upon signal that you can do to make him stop when you can’t speak?
yeah that’s honestly a reality that most women have to confront, that a man is significantly stronger than them
thats why it helps to have sex with someone you truly trust, like an SO or FWB because hookups can be pretty disastrous as theres a lot of scumbags out there
I would call that very borderline assault. Explain to him that you wanted him to stop, you did not give consent to being treated so rough and when you tried to stop him he went harder. Hopefully he will be understanding and learn from it.
Should something like this happen and you can’t get the guy to stop slap him and if that doesn’t stop him go straight to hitting and/or squeezing the testicles.
Have a safe word
Please ladies make sure to let them know to stop, if he some how makes it to where you can’t say something then yes try and hurt him in one way or another, I am a male and I’m sorry you now feel this way, that is very sad to hear. For me once a woman tries to stop or push me away or just grab my arm while I am fingering them I stop immediately. It’s only happened to me
Once but once she grabbed my arm I knew immediately what that meant. Trust goes a long way.
I think its a thing even a lot of men dont always realize. Of course we all assume that men are more or less bigger and stronger, but its easy to misjudge the magnitudes of difference men have in overall strength and athletic ability.
Next time come up with a safe word/hand signal or something similar!
It’s a pretty terrifying realization. I don’t think men understand the amount of trust it requires on our part to have sex with them.
I’m not gonna give you advice on the specific situation because that’s not really what you posted for, I think.
Nah, just crush his balls, he’ll stop.
i had this realization the last time i was SA’d. he was like, tickling me to try and inch his way toward being sexual with me and i awkwardly tried to push him off me as lightheartedly as i could and he just wouldn’t budge. i kind of froze after that, a lot of disassociating. anyways, i felt super fucking powerless. it’s scary. i’m glad i’m currently with a partner who i heavily communicate with. stay strong, op!! it sucks that the world is scary but you’ve got this 🥲😚💛
I feel like you were giving pretty damn clear signals he needed to **stop** what he was doing but he carried on anyway despite them, I don’t know about anyone else but this really screams out SA to me.
I’m 5’11 and had a similar outlook. A 6’3 drunken friend/make out buddy of mine laid behind me on the couch. His dick was hanging out of his pants, and he started trying to kiss me and touch on me, and I told him no. He just kept trying. I was really struggling to get off the couch because of how he was holding me, and I threatened to hit him in the balls if he didn’t stop. He said he liked it rough and I should. I finally managed to stand up, and he almost ripped my jeans he was holding onto them so tightly. He wasn’t even outright trying to be aggressive, and it was still really difficult to get away.
It made me feel very small and weak, which was a new feeling for me. Didn’t like that at all.
Jesus honey I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, I’m also 5’10” and have thought I was certainly less likely to be assaulted but yeah it is scary to think of all the ways we could be hurt.
I do think he needs to pay better attention to your cues. He’s not a good lover for you, maybe anyone. I hope you feel strong enough to let him know that what he did was not cool.
And hugs to you.
Yeah you have to make things known about what are you kinks and your do’s and don’t’s before you even get to the bedroom . Because I’d definitely feel terrible if I did or said something that offended you and I had no idea you didn’t like that.I’ll literally ask to entice you to tell me. I have adhd so I have to double and triple confirm check if you are ok with this and that.
You need to work this out.
I’m looking forward to discussing with you what you really think and feel.
I’m an understanding person. Not an aggressive sort message if you like. Have a good weekend
Just because you’ve realised that men are much stronger physically doesnt mean you have to be scared or worry. Most men dont want to do any kind of harm to you. We take pleasure in being dominant in bed and might not know how far is too far.
Simple steps: suss the guy out before
Step 2: let him know how rough you want it
From what you describe, anyone man would no that you were saying no, stop!
I am concerned if you saw him again that this could escalate. Consent is everything and I feel you were physically saying no. Hope your ok
If he didn’t get it that you didn’t enjoy it, he’s a bad man. Especially if this was the first time. Any man can’t just assume that a woman is enjoying roughness. And you gave him plenty of signals that should have stopped him in his tracks and make him inquire if everything was ok. This is pretty bad.
Sexual activity needs to be discussed and agreed upon before you actually do it.
Next time, make sure you’re dealing with an actually compassionate and respectful human being, not a possible abuser or worse. Hookups can be dangerous in many regards. Good luck. Sorry you had to go through this.
I think the fact that you had this experience and it’s given you a new fear just proves that it was in fact traumatic and assault. It may not have been the extreme of hitting or crying to stop or anything but you gave clear signals to stop and he didn’t even check to see if you were okay. Please do not try to feel like he did nothing wrong, that mentality is what leads to the ‘boys will be boys’ thinking, which is dangerous.
Yeah thw world I very scary and the biological difference in strength between men and women is crazy so dont be paranoid but just watch out.
I can understand the surprise. Context is sexual, but your topic is about male vs female physique, or possibly just being startled by the perceived strength of your partner in relation to your partners actual strength. Speaking of a borderline rape scenario, even though you explicitly point out it wasn’t rape, could be mildly agitating to the people sensitive about sexual assault. If this topic really does scare you, I apologize for such a jarring experience. I promise you that we aren’t all like this, and us good guys would greatly appreciate you being vocal and giving us the opportunity to accommodate such profound insecurities. I couldn’t personally imagine going into something so sensual and intimate while being worried I could be completely overpowered, in a negative and undesirable way.
I’m only 5’6” but I’m a big lady (seem to go 185-210 regularly) and I lift super heavy at work (up to 165 lbs). I’m strong. I had this exact thing happen the last time I had sex and it was terrifying.
Men! If you’re a man who has sex with women, and the woman has never told you to keep going if she’s pushing away then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP. I personally have past SA trauma and this most recent experience triggered me bad.
I had a guy like that where i was even moving out of his reach and he just kept pushing in further and i ended up badly injured because of him. 5’3 but im on the heavier side so i didnt think that would happen and i wish i wouldve just yelled at him to stop because it wouldve saved me a lot pain and wouldnt have almost killed me.
Please come up with safe words or actions that you both know and can agree with because you don’t want to feel that way again
This is male privilege, the nature of which men take enormously for granted on a daily basis. The power dynamic creates an inherently adversarial relationship between men and women.
Sorry this happened.
You’re evolving. Hopefully soon you’ll see love > narcissistic guy.
i’ve said it before.. a women is never more vulnerable than she is when having sex (besides giving birth). that’s why i won’t share myself with just anyone
That’s a valid concern, I know a lot of my partners get off on that feeling, but I’m a dominant.
It’s part of sex that I know I’m bigger and stronger than any of my partners, I’ve had play wrestling matches with up to 3 other women, and sanz cheap shots they can’t actually beat me. (Granted, two of them are 100 lbs soaking wet).
That said, your partner should never get rough and or cover your mouth without an agreed upon safeword/action.
Most people won’t like my answer, but it’s just a fact. If this didn’t happened with you (for males) then you’re lucky and congrats. But there are others who suffer from this and I am grateful that I successfully recovered from it with the right help.
For some guys there’s a point of horniness (especially if they are sexually immature) after which their predatory side kinda kicks in and then it’s hard for the guy to stop by itself. That’s why there MUST be a clear communication between the partners. As a guy, my gf helped me through it, when I had this problem, my gf and I talked about it and took things slowly, like having a really long foreplay which will kill the mood (just a bit) for penetrating and then keeping it soft during the intercourse.
I’d say covering the mouth is a big no no during sex. It’s how some guys get around the safe word.
As a teenager I thought I was untouchable. 5’4 but a gymnast so strong. Felt I could hold my own against anyone. I was proved very very wrong when I was sexually assaulted at 19 by a 6’5 300+lb guy. He pinned me down like it was nothing. That was a very rude awakening for me.
Hey girl I totally understand. You are not alone, and your feelings are so valid ❤️
I had a similar experience one time. I went on a tinder date and the guy grabbed me and forcibly and passionately kissed me. He had my arms pinned by my side. I wiggled them up and was pushing (rather hard) on his chest to alert him to stop but he did not. It was then I realized how easily I can be overpowered by most dudes. I literally had no choice but to wait until he was done kissing me. If I had tried to bite him he would have just been into it more…
What makes matters MORE complicated is I actually enjoyed the kiss even though it was technically a SA and was not consensual at all, and I was making all efforts to get him to stop. Also a bondage kink was unlocked that day. I also grew up being told all the bad ways men can manipulate me, so it wasn’t a new idea, but was still a shock to experience it, first hand.
Make sure you give yourself some self care and talk to your support if you need it, like a therapist or friends or family 🙂