My (35m) dad (65. Technically step dad)) committed suicide earlier this year. My mom found him and had naturally taken it very hard. My mom never got along with my dad’s family and both sides made it well known over the years.
In the Will, my dad asked for part of his ashes to be given to his mother. His sister (60) reached out to me tonight and asked when her mom could expect to see the ashes. I gave her a time frame of two weeks when I could drop them off. She thanked me.
About an hour later she texted saying that she wanted to tell my dad’s side of the story, if i was interested…I didn’t reply.
Then she just texted me that my dad “never, EVER, referred to me as his son”.
My blood is boiling. My dad came into my life at age 5. This man raised me and I was his son. I’m just fuming now…
UPDATE: I can’t coordinate now, but I’ve gotten some good ideas from many of you.
My mom (possessor of the ashes), lives 2+ hours away. His sister does not have a license and her mom doesn’t drive long distances.
I’m thinking, if I can contact a funeral/ cremation home near my mom (or maybe further away) to separate the ashes, then we take our amount and leave the rest at the funeralhome for the sister to come pickup (and sign for) the ashes.
This may not work, it’s late, I’m not sure if a funeral place would even entertain this idea. Thinking out loud, I guess.
Thanks for all the advice and love.
29 comments
Is there any money involved in this will? People start acting really weird when there is estate money involved.
Yikes. I’m sorry for your loss, doubly so for the circumstances, and even more for his relatives deciding to be awful to you.
I would be tempted to cut all contact until she gives you a full apology for weaponizing your father’s memory against you, and that includes dropping off the ashes. He would not want his family to fight like this.
Drop the ashes off, then drop her and any other similar nonsense from your life. While he was alive there was a connection, however tense, with these people. Now you have no cause to continue dealing with bullshit.
You need to ignore her text.
Or you could respond to her that surprising, he never ever referred to her at all, so maybe dad was just private?
Fuck her. Send them some ashes from the bbq grill. My oldest son isn’t my biological child, but I’ve raised him since he was 6 months old. I’m definitely his father & he is my son!
“Doesn’t matter if he never referred to me as his son,, he treated me like it and that’s what matters in the end. Why you’re trying to turn me against a dead man, I have no idea, but this seems to be an issue with you and not me. Good luck.”
Wow. That’s so fucked up and hateful. I agree with BigOleJellyDonut, send them ashes from the bbq grill.
Shes just being nasty. If he treated you and loved you like a son, then he considered you his son. Don’t let his bat shit crazy sister tell you otherwise.
I’m so sorry about his passing!
Give her cremation ashes from a dog! WTF is wrong w people.
When you drop off the ashes, let her know, he treated you like his son for 30 years and she can choke on her nasty comments!
I seriously would use fireplace or bbq ashes to give them. His sister doesn’t deserve a real part of him.
Sorry for your loss!
Give them ashes from the fireplace.
Sounds like she’s projecting and might have been under the influence.
Do you stand to take anything under your dads will? She could be setting up for a suit against the estate saying well he’s not really family or some shit. If there is any estate to speak of that is. Otherwise she sounds like a hideous person.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father. Family and loss can be a very bitter and ugly thing.
I would politely remind your father’s sister that the Executor of the estate will be in communication and make the necessary arrangements for your fathers wishes to be fulfilled with those named in the will. That can include them having to travel to the lawyers office to pick up what was bequeathed.
Once again sorry for the loss.
OP, do not listen to any advice telling you not to give the ashes or to give ashes from a fireplace/bbq/etc. This could get you in serious legal trouble, because your father’s will is a legal document. Your father’s mother has a legal right to those ashes based on the will.
If you are acting as an executor, which it sounds like you are because you are arranging to deliver ashes, then you could be sued over mishandling of his remains.
Not y’all taking OP to get into serious legal trouble for not complying with the will. Stop being so spiteful. The mother gets part of the ashes, OP doesn’t have to interact with them beyond that.
OP. Very simple. Fuck here and then!! You know the deal. They don’t know shit!!
I’m a widow, so I’m looking at this and my heart is just screaming “Stop the drama”!!!
Pay the funeral home (or any funeral home) to put whatever share of ashes the will requires into an urn. Then pay them to make an appointment for her or her designee to pick up the urn from the funeral home. Require that they get a signature from the retrieving party.
You’re letting them push your buttons, OP. Don’t let them do it any more.
Her comment says absolutely nothing about your father’s relationship with you and absolutely everything about who she is as a human.
Have a singing telegram deliver them for you.
From your comments, I see a father raised his son to be kind, patient, and self aware. Your speculation about your step-aunt hurting and possibly being drunk speaks of compassion and understanding.
I have no advice to give here, and that’s mostly because you seem to have your head on right, even through everything happening right now.
I’m sorry for your loss. Your father seems like he was a good man. It also seems he may have been the black sheep of the family, avoiding the drama they created.
Take care of yourself, and best of luck to you. <3
I’d grill some ribs, finish the coals and pour the ash n bones into a clear plastic bag. Next, put those ashes into a box, write your dad’s last name on the box, and give them to his family. They won’t know the difference and they’ll get everything they deserve.
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Did your Dad like to barbeque?
If so, have a fabulous grilled steak with all the fixings, raise a glass or two in his honor then, once it’s cooled, scoop those ashes and send them in a ziplock bag in a shoebox. They will never know the difference.
Be sure to get a signature. In the comment’s of the parcel description:
Best Wishes, From My Dad
I would respond:
“What you said is patiently untrue, I know [father’s name] loved me as his own child. I know nobody who is healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually would say something that hateful and hurtful to someone else. I hope one day you are free of the burdens and demons that led you to having such a dark and infected soul.
However, I am blocking you from being able to contact me via all forms of communication immediately after I send this message, so I won’t be able to see your response. I will make make sure your mother will receive the ashes soon. Good riddance.”
Then proceed to block her and make arrangements for her mother to receive the ashes without you having to interact with the sister at all.
INFO: Could she be saying crap like this to contest the will? Might your dad have left you some money and/or insurance policy and this is her pathetic way of building a case against you getting any of it?
Don’t respond regarding anything other than the distribution of his ashes. Document that exchange somehow. Not worth a single word of response. Just resolve harder to be a man your dad would be proud of.
When my mum died I had an argument with her family. That part doesn’t really matter, what does is that I still feel that that argument happened because we were all hurt by the fact my mum had died. I regret not being more mature and saying things that hurt the people my mum loved very much. Your ‘aunt’ is saying things because she is hurt. She KNOWS your dad loved you and you know your dad loved you.
I’m saying this because I don’t want you to be hurt and have regret by doing something hastily to somebody your dad loved enough to consider their feelings in his death.
So take a deep breath and call the funeral directors in the morning and see what they suggest. Go from there, one step at a time.
He IS your dad and I am sorry for your loss.
Sorry about your step-dad and yeah she has issues.
Fuck that lady. My husband is my sons father (not bio) and if his sister said something like that to our son while he was grieving he would probably physically fight her over it. I’m sure your father would feel the same way. I’m so sorry for the tragedy you had to endure and I’m sorry that some people feel a need to perpetuate it.
Everybody grieves differently. Turns out she’s a cunt.