I see this all the time on this sub, people saying to “just” stop caring what other people think of you like it some sort of switch that we can turn on-off. i know i shouldnt care, i know i have no reason to and its completly illogical to do so but that doesnt stop my brain from activating a fight or flight response with every social interaction and turning them into an stressful test instead of something enjoyable.
32 comments
That’s 100% true. It feels more like a suggestion than advice. Advice should be related to how you approach any situation or something that you can work on, not any switch that you can turn off/on.
It might be that they can just stop caring. I know it’s something I can pretty much switch on and off.
“Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.”
That cancels out 99% of the people out there.
Negative thoughts shouldn’t be suppressed but rather acknowledged. Then logically dissected to see if they are valid. Usually people are just projecting their own insecurities, and trying to bring you down because they feel inferior.
If it gets to you, actively strengthen your mind and body, whether it’s working out, reading, or going for a walk. Replace the negative with positive, then at the end, you turned their negativity into something positive for yourself. Then at the end of the day they will be the same negative bitchasses and you will be anew.
Right? Like if it were that easy I wouldve dont it a long time ago lol
You just confirmed the advice is good advice in your description – but what you are now seeking are tools on how to implement it and avoiding your brain from thinking about it.
That’s like telling someone to look up something on Google when they ask for advice or answer to a question on an advice sub reddit. Not helpful at all.
It is a switch you can turn off, you do that by building confidence in yourself.
It’s like that with all advice tbh.
Stop worrying
Just don’t be depressed
Don’t let that thing bother you
Just get that job?
4head
And it’s also not followed by literally anyone. Pretty much the entire world runs on the idea that other people care what other people think and then many use that to take action that controls or influences how other people think.
People often put it that simplistically for brevity.
Firstly remember, you don’t actually have a lot of insight into how other people perceive you. If you have low self-esteem, you are probably massively over-estimating the amount people think about you at all, their degree of insight and assuming that they think negatively.
Secondly, it isn’t about flipping a switch. Again, crude over-simplification for brevity. It’s about ascribing a suitable amount of care to the feelings of people. It’s easy to be constantly walking on eggshells because you don’t want to look bad in front of anyone. You need to sit down with yourself and think really hard about how you should allow yourself to feel and keep reality testing as you go through life. Most of our interactions have very little impact on our life, so you shouldn’t sweat them, likewise relationships outside family, close friends and colleagues. Don’t try to switch off, but attenuate.
I started by turning down my sensitivity to everyone, then thought about strangers etc groups I ought to care even less. Once you take the pressure off yourself your interactions improve dramatically. You need to teach your scumbag brain that it shouldn’t be stressing when you talk to that attractive person because the interaction means almost nothing, your future and happiness doesn’t hinge on it, you shouldn’t be planning your kids names or deciding whether their parents will like you. Once you get past that, you can have fun and that makes it much more likely that the person will like you.
But it is good advice, it’s just shallow. Although that doesn’t make it bad. It’s advice about what should be done, not how to do it. How to do it is personal for everyone but the end goal is similar.
For example how I’ve started being myself more and caring less what others think is going to be different than you because we have different issues.
In my experience, there’s two solutions to this: improving your self-esteem and increasing your exposure.
Improving your self-esteem will help you see yourself highly and treat yourself and your opinions as valuable. You can imagine it as a kind of force-field around you. It only allows certain kinds of criticism to pass through, such as the constructive ones, while ignores the others.
Increasing your social exposure will help you get comfortable with being silly, stupid, making mistakes and laughing it away. You don’t have to give a ted talk to achieve this. Just increase your social exposure in small increments whenever possible.
Depends on context. Some people say it just to make them feel better about themselves like they are helping someone when they really are not.
But there is truth to that statement. If you are yourself and you have your own things you do then you’re not caring what people think.
It’s less about ‘not caring’ as ‘not caring about caring’.
You are going to feel your feelings regardless. It’s more about putting your feelings in perspective than pretending you don’t have them.
Example: “Holy sh-t I’m so embarrassed, I can’t believe I said that! Well, I probably won’t remember this in a year, most likely a week. Even if people are cringing now, they will have forgotten it by tomorrow, because they are busy with their own lives and people don’t think about others very much. In the long run, this is not going to matter much.”
Maybe it’s being said as a goal to work towards.
The first step in working towards that goal is actually having the affirmation that it’s not only possible, but something you should be active and mindful in pursuing. It’s not some passive thing where you just wake up one day and you’ve all of a sudden found this positive and significant change has occurred.
If somebody has so little initiative that they can’t even ask a followup question on their own behalf “Stop caring what other people think? Well, how do I achieve that?”….I’m not sure that anybody on Reddit is able to provide that person with anything beneficial.
I think it’s like a long term advice, where a person have to train himself to not care anymore and it doesn’t come easy.
Socializing should not be the end goal. You have to know who you are. You have to be someone. You have to have things to talk about. You need to be an authority on something. Pursue your interests and hobbies and develop your beliefs about life and the world. Once you have a healthy sense of self and a healthy identity socializing becomes second nature. Just because other people your age seem to be social butterflies so what. Lady Ga Ga was a multi millionaire in her early 20s. Doesn’t mean it was ever in the cards for you at that age, and the same is true for socializing. You’re likely not going to be some social butterfly until you develop as a human being. You stop caring what other people think when you start focusing on your hobbies and what you’re good at. It’s like saying don’t think of a pink elephant, doesn’t work that way. You need to focus on something good. Not some make believe shit, something tangible, that you can share with others, because that’s what socializing is, it’s sharing. It might take years, maybe a decade before you’re comfortable in your own skin. But if you don’t work towards it now, you’re only delaying the desired results further into the future.
I’m sorry, but you can’t just take everything at face value and just wallow in self pity, which unfortunately this sub tends to do. That advice isn’t the same as “are you depressed, just take a walk”. It’s actually good advice, it isn’t easy to follow, and I guarantee even the most charistmatic perfect people you’ll find, will have that same difficulty you experience. However, recognizing it and fighting that feeling every fucking time is exactly what you need to do. It’s hard, it’ll probably take a long time till it’s easier, but you have to do it. The main thing is just accepting you’re going to fail at it sometimes, and still keep trying. Now, I don’t know you, so you could have legitimate trauma or other condition hampering more that a typical anxious person, but most people don’t have that huge of hurdles to overpower. So keep trying, it can only get better!
I think better advice is “people don’t care as much as you think they do”
I think people should expand on “how” to stop caring.
I know for me, not caring just came with age and it literally was just like a switch. I just told myself one day “Literally no one cares about you or what you do. If you mess up just explain the mess up” and I stopped caring.
You are absolutely right that most negative thinking are automatic, and so it is not productive for us to beat ourselves over it. Our best defense is mindfulness. As soon we recognize that we are caught in a negative mood, we should stop what we are doing and go do something relaxing to improve our mood.
It’s something that happens naturally over time.
When your 20 you care what people think
When your 30 you don’t care what people think of you
When your 40 you realise no one have a shit in the first place
This is a post that was needed.
It 💯 is a switch you can turn on and off but you have to be willing to put in the effort to take responsibility for yourself. Not allow any outside forces to influence your emotions or only allow them minimal influence.
Expecting random people to put serious effort into your problems on the internet when they have their own to deal with is not healthy imo.
The theory is EASY but the practice is hard. This is the majority of life.
YOU do have a reason to care, it is NOT illogical. Sit in that energy/feeling that makes you uncomfortable until it passes or alleviates and pinpoint what the actual root cause is. Take responsibility rather than “my body does xyz and I cant help it”.
Do you want to solve your problem? or do you just want to make excuses why you can’t do xyz and complain?
It’s the equivalent of telling clinically depressed people to “just cheer up.”
Anyone said “easier said than done” yet?
It isn’t always easy to change a mindset especially when your fixed in negative habits.
It’s *not* as easy as flipping a switch! But, think about this.. You know that one neighbor or cashier that you’ve seen more often than others, how long do you think about them? Is it just when they’re in your presence? Then, as soon as you talk to someone else, aren’t they totally gone from your mind? And, even your friends and acquaintances, do you spend a lot of time thinking about how they are or what they’ve done? Or are you spending most of your thinking, thinking about yourself? (I’m NOT saying that’s bad!!) But, I promise you, just about everybody in the whole world spends WAY more time thinking about themselves and their lives, than they do about other people. Especially people who aren’t their significant other, kids, etc.
“Social anxiety is what kept our ancestors alive “, helped me not hate myself in my earlier years . Not sure how true it is since I didn’t read up on it but I’d like to believe my brain has a reason for over thinking besides torturing me all day and night . To be real looksmaxxing helped with my confidence more than any advice . Be a stylish man/woman and people will like to be around you , and be curious about others.
It’s useful if you want to be a psychopath
Brene Brown said:
‘ “I don’t care what people think” sends a huge red flag out for me. When we stop caring what other people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what other people think, we lose our capacity to be vulnerable. ‘
I think caring what people think is a normal human experience. It’s when you start letting their opinions define who you are as an individual.. there lies the problem. There should be a fine line.
And when people criticize you or judge you, it’s never *really* about you.. it’s a direct reflection of themselves.
I will suggest a book which probably give u an idea in a different perspective. Book Name is : The courage To be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi n Fumitake Koga. If u not a book fan than Listen about Alfred Adler’s theories of individual psychology.
I often find that people are not just worried about what others are thinking of them but about what others *might* be thinking of them.
You gotta realize that most people don’t think about others nearly as much as you might hope.