I don’t have time to make this a super long post but, long story short… I have what I would consider to be a strong relationship, we’re very transparent with each other, communicate well for the most part. I do a lot of things for this girl, constantly, and I don’t expect thanks whatsoever. I do these things because I see they need to be done, and out of love, to make both of our lives better. But damn, somehow I’m made to feel like it’s never enough. Anyone deal with that?
Also it’s like every time I don’t want to do something that she wants me to, then she gets into a shitty mood, like I somehow am affecting her life or experience of something in this negative way. Like, do what you want to do, it doesn’t bother me one bit. But why can’t she respect the fact that sometimes I don’t want to do something, and that I don’t need a reason for it? Wondering if anyone here deals with anything similar. It’s starting to weigh heavy on my soul, and I spend a lot of time thinking about it.
10 comments
Yes, I can relate to this.
If she doesn’t want to do something, that’s the end of the conversation. If I don’t want to do something, I have to defend it with an articulate and well researched dissertation.
If she doesn’t get her way, I’m made to feel guilty for causing her stress or being a barrier or something. For anybody else in the family, a problem is not really a problem if it doesn’t directly affect her.
We’ve talked about it. I haven’t figured out a solution yet.
My ex wife use to say ‘Fine then it’s over’ and break up with me whenever she didn’t get her own way. It was mostly over trivial and menial shit but she just always wanted to have control over me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells for the 10 years of marriage. The day I left I had a huge sense of relief, the amount of shit she put me through because I left her was astounding. She demanded I go back to her and called my friends and family telling them all sorts of outlandish stories so they wouldn’t support me and I’d have to go back to her. But I’ve never been happier since I left.
No my girlfriend doesn’t suck. We very much respect each other’s decisions to say no/yes to things.
My ex girlfriend however very much did suck. And did this quite often whenever something didn’t go her way.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
I’d peep that bad boy if I were you
I know that disease very well it’s called being a spoiled brat you know how to fix that stop giving into them cause if you do your just rewarding their bad behavior and yes this can lead to breaking up but honestly do you really want to be with a grown woman who acts like a child when they don’t get their way
I can relate to this from previous relationships.
The issue is that you inadvertently placed yourself as the “B” side of your relationship through your kindness and decency.
However, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you treat her. The issue is the woman you’ve chose to treat this way – she doesn’t deserve you.
I used to be like this.
I grew up the only girl, so I was pretty used to getting my way. I rationalized the pouting and standoffishness, thinking that I was just being honest with my emotions. It felt reasonable to me to be upset by a ‘no’, and if displaying that upset caused an argument/my SO to just do what I wanted, I called that their reaction and their problem.
Then someone I loved told me (something like) “you make it impossible to say no to you, even if I do you’re just mad till you get your way. It makes me feel forced and I hate it.”
And it just clicked. I could see he was right. I didn’t want to make him feel like that, so I committed to doing more things on my own and accepting his ‘no’s happily, since I’d already fucked up and been shitty for so long lol. That relationship didn’t work out, but he’s still one of my closest friends, been through thick and thin. I was in my 20s when we dated, and now in my 30s I’m still grateful that guy was honest with me. I feel like he helped me be a better person 🙂
I sympathize with her, but the truth is her behavior is unacceptable and childish. She needs to find a more productive way to deal with her disappointment, but that’s on her. Whats on you, OP, is letting her know how you feel. It should matter to her. If it doesn’t, just know you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t weaponise their emotions, whether intending to or not.
Would love some specifics here. So many men think they’re “doing a lot” when they’re barely scraping bare minimum, or they’re doing things that no one wants or asks for and then act like a woman is spoiled for making a reasonable request. I had a boyfriend who always thought I *needed* help doing basic shit because he thought I was infantile (like he insisted on driving my car and taking my car to get basic maintenance, which i never asked for and could have done myself), or he’d volunteer to walk my dog, then would act like I was demanding for asking him to do the dishes for the first time in a month because he “was always doing stuff” for me. Like stop walking my dog and clean up after yourself.
Sounds a lot like my relationship that just blew up. I actually posted about it last week. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/w9kdtc/fiancee_ends_8year_relationship_1_month_before/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/w9kdtc/fiancee_ends_8year_relationship_1_month_before/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I was with my fiancée for 8 years and we were supposed to get married next week. Since the relationship got serious 3 years ago I did a lot of things because I thought they had to be done when it reality that was not the case. She has parents, siblings, and herself.
In that time I rarely received any appreciation or was the act of giving reciprocated by her. I always put our relationship and her ahead of myself yet she put our relationship and I on the back burner. As the wedding approached closer I realized I would be spending my life with her trying to please her but it would never be enough no matter how much I tried. At some point the relationship would end I would walk away completely broken. Things escalated (I talk about this in my post) and I decided to end the relationship 3 weeks ago.
I know it maybe sound very difficult it sounds like this is a relationship you need to walk away from. I do not know the situation or how long this has been going on but there is a possibility of communicating this issue to your partner and fixing it if it is recent. But if it has been going on for a while leave, you deserve someone who appreciates YOU and also puts in 50% into the relationship. Don’t just brush it off and allow it to get to the point that I did.
You have to draw the line on your generous nature. If you do things for her all the time as if she cant do them them when she really cant and you say no you look like a jerk. Maybe make her responsible to pay you back whenever you need something done so it isnt always her expecting you to do stuff.
I just want to say this is a great post. I’ve been thru similar and ultimately it meant that we weren’t really compatible enough.