After numerous times that I felt down, sad, depressed etc. because it was very hard for me to study abroad, I finally graduated yesterday from university and I felt so relieved that I finished this path.
Anyway, today my father calls me and tells me “hey, congratulations, did you look for a job already?” At first I took it with a laugh because I’m used at his ignorant comments but then he proceeds to explain me how you can’t find a job easily and maybe I will need a time… Then he proceeds to tell me that if I don’t start practicing I will forget how to do the stuff I studied for just like someone who takes the driver’s license but doesn’t ride the car so he forgets how to use it.
At that point I am getting nervous because I can’t keep listening to that bullshit as I’m starting to get more and more mad and ask him how he could say this stuff when he should only have said “Hey, *MY NAME* congratulations for your graduation, I’m proud of you!” And he got frustrated and proceeded to explain to me that he wanted to warn me because he loves me and wants my good when the only thing he cares is money,money,money.
Even at my last jobs he always wanted to know how much I earn, or asks other people the same thing and even if they don’t want to tell him he insists, he is a very closed-minded and ignorant person and also very negative. I’m so over him and his bullshit, this was supposed to be a happy moment for me
I already don’t speak with him that much, and before that moment there has already been times where him and I argued but I just can’t take it anymore
TL;DR My father always brings me down even after I do something that was very hard for me and that I’m proud for
8 comments
It’s time to set some real boundaries for yourself. If he makes suggestions or asks when you will get a job, say that’s for suggestion or even say great point, and move on. At a base level you will need a job that makes some kind of money, right? So even though you know he’s trying to apply pressure so you do something that makes him happy – you don’t need to think about his actual expectations. Take it at face value, as if a stranger on the street saw you in your cap and gown.
It sounds like he’s never been the type so just say congrats and validate you, it’s time to stop expecting that or wishing that. This disappointment you feel that he doesn’t say congrats is a chosen suffering. That’s not who your dad is
That’s not to say he can’t learn to be that person, but that’s not your job to teach him. Once you’re more comfortable with yourself you’ll find his snide comments won’t really matter. In the future you could model the behavior you want to see. Example:
“Congrats, did you look for a job already? It will take a long time this and that”
“Aw thanks dad. It’s sweet you’re concerned for me, I’ll let you know if I need advice”
And then ignore anything he says as a follow up and change the convo
There is no law says you ever need talk to this miserable negative old man ever again.
What *positive* does he add to your life?
*Always* bring you down? He doesn’t sound healthy, OP.
Do you ever consider going seriously low contact or even no contact at all with him? I’d treat people like this with information diet, because they’re just not in a place where they can probably ever understand us.
I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. I suppose I’ve been there too. At least, I then learned that I can only rely on my own validation and work on being more authentic.
‘Sending you a virtual hug!
I have parents that are very similar to yours and it’s really draining over time. Let me know if you ever figure out how to deal with them, just know you’re not alone. Stay strong!
This is tots my Dad.
Hey Dad! I just graduated!
….yet you still don’t have a drivers licence??
Hey Dad! I just passed my drivers licence!
Well have you got yourself a car yet? Its no good without a car…
Hey Dad! I just bought a car!
Hmmm…the mileage is too high. It’s a piece of crap, how can you drive that?
Hey Dad! I’m selling the car to go abroad and find myself!
Yet, you have never visited your grandparents island…have you???
Hey Dad! I found the man of my dreams while I was away! Were getting married!
Well don’t look at me for help paying for it. How can you afford a wedding on your salary??
Hey Dad! I’ve landed the job of my dreams! I earn more than you!
Yes, but you don’t even *own* a car now. I suppose you could get credit, but you messed that up…
Hey Dad! I’m pregnant! Your going to be a grandfather!
Your 32! You dont even have a car, why on earth have you gotten yourself pregnant?!
Hey Dad! I’ve given birth!
I suppose I’m picking you to from the hospital then? since you still dont have a car (shakes head).
That basically described my parents as well lol. They’ve gotten only slightly better over time, with my setting MANY boundaries with them and attempting numerous times how they have zero conversational skills.
They never congratulate me for winning, they only expect, seek out and ask me about losing. I’ve often thought they want me to lose… but I realized it’s just themselves and their trauma. They have some serious trust issues and they project hard.
I think his heart is in the right place but he isnt executing his idea right. Wanting what’s best for you doesn’t mean he can constantly remind you of your problems: you know them best of anyone.
A parents role in your life when It comes to living should become less over Time. At 26 you are more than capable of knowing what to do next in life, whether that’s a concrete plan or a general idea. You graduated from a foreign university, so you already have alot more life skills than many people in your position after graduating.
Basically, he’s right. But, there are so many better ways to go around saying what he wants. He should have spent time congratulating you on your amazing accomplishment, graduating uni alone is incredible. I hope he can learn to appreciate your success now instead of focusing on the future; he doesn’t take time to being you up, instead he just induces more anxiety
You can just hang up on him