After being in a long term relationship for 4 years, I (24F) began dating again. Took a few tries but I met a guy (25M) who is so sweet, kind, and I am SO attracted to him. After being with him, I realized I was never really attracted to my ex so it has been such a wonderful experience exploring intimacy with this new guy. We have such amazing sex and chemistry and a very intimate relationship for how long we’ve been seeing each other. We have similar interests and genuinely enjoy spending time together. We’ve been seeing each other for about 3.5 months.
He is taking a last minute trip and will be away for the next month. Next week he will also be finding out if he got a job in a different state. If he does get the job, we would obviously stop seeing eachother. Now this does make me sad, but I understand he needs to pursue his career.
BUT, if he doesn’t get the job, the question is whether or not we want to keep seeing eachother when he returns from his trip. Part of me would love to continue seeing him, I love spending time with him and the intimacy. But part of me knows the relationship wouldn’t work long term. We have some different life goals (he wants to live in a van and travel eventually, I don’t. I want to eventually get married, he doesn’t). He also has some mental health issues that have caused him to cancel plans a few times, and that would be difficult if it keeps happening. We also have mismatched communication styles, as I would really prefer a little more frequent contact.
I’m kind of seeing this month long trip as a good opportunity to end the relationship before it gets even deeper and hurts more to end later on. I love spending time with him and I would miss him very much, but ultimately I think I would find a better match. I feel like I have learned so much from the time we’ve spent together and maybe not all relationships have to be long term. Maybe I can just savor the sweetness and intimacy that we had and accept that it was just a good, time limited experience.
What would you do?
TLDR – I’ve been seeing this guy for 3.5 months and it’s been great, but I’m conflicted if I should call it off now since I know he’s probably not the one
5 comments
It seems (from your post) that you both have very different goals/directions that you seek in your life. Although there’s a lot of physical attraction, communication issues will only hurt in the long run. The choice is yours but I recommend proceeding with caution.
For context in my “understanding” of your situation: I’m moving to a different campus 2.5 hours away from my boyfriend (2 months official, 3 months total) and we decided to continue our relationship because we have a common future goal (move to the same state and marriage). I believe that our communication and long term goals are what keep us optimistic about the future.
OP, you seem very unsure about your future with this man and I’m just going to say that it’s a sign of incompatibility or right person wrong time. I hope you are able to make the right choice for yourself 🙂
This is such an uplifting story and I would totally understand if you ended things. If you know there are some discrepancies on your life goals and you personally don’t want to make changes to your plans, then ending it should be the right call and hearing ehat you’ve gotten out of it will always help you further on
Try not to stress about it. And give yourself advice from the 3rd person here. If it were your friend in this situation, what and how would you tell them to handle it? We can sometimes not hold ourselves to the same standard we would apply to our friends and family.
If you’ve gotten all you need out of this relationship, it might be time to move on.
It sounds like whether or not this person stays, you don’t see a future with them so it would really be a waste of both of your time to try and continue something that has no future. Enjoy it while you can, then let it go.
Who knows, he might also be feeling the same way and a more casual/FWB type set up might work better.
You are brave and healthy for considering your own goals, life plans, and happiness, rather than just fitting yourself around his goals and telling yourself you’ll be happy! You are young (I’m also a female who’s your age), and you WILL find others! Just like you did when you came out of your 4-year relationship. I also just came out of a relationship with my college boyfriend that was several years long, and I had another one in high school that was also multiple years, and though the breakups were both really hard, they both helped me learn more about what I want in a romantic partner, and also helped me clarify what I want out of life, for myself. It sounds like you have— and are continuing to gain— some of this wisdom, so even though it will be hard to break things off, I encourage you to be true to what your heart is telling you about these differences in your and his lifestyle differences. My therapist has told me that “opposites attract, but they don’t usually endure” and that looking for people who are similar to us creates more harmony.
Just be honest and kind with him— that is all anyone can ask of you! You WILL find another person that embodies the qualities that this guy had, AND even more (qualities better suited to your life goals, like marriage). Good luck, you’ve got this!!