Wife and I have been married for 9 years, we have 2 girls, age 3 and 7. I (41/m) told my wife (36/f) a month ago, a good friend of mine just got married in another country (Singapore), and that he and his wife wife will be visiting us, in California, for the weekend (not just us, but part of their post marriage trip). This morning before they arrive for brunch, we got into an argument about how I shouldn’t ask her to help to cleanup the house (we also have 2 girls, age 3 and 7, house is a bit messy) because they are my friends. I told her she’s free to take the older one and leave for the day. Sure enough she did!
Background, we both work full-time, love our kids, not always social on every weekend. I mostly do clean-up chores and drop-off/pick-up kids, while she does prepping breakfast, and getting them ready in the morning and taking their baths at nights.
This is not the first time she walked out when friends visit. Last time it happened was a dinner for my elder’s classmate family, same thing, saying she’s tired of cleaning up for social visits, and walked out.
Do I have the right to be angry here? It even got me wondering why we are still married today.
27 comments
Who invited both of these groups to visit?
You’re mad because she did what you told her she could do?
Nah you should be the one doing most of the cleaning. You invited them over. You could ask her nicely for help in making the house extra clean for guests, but don’t expect her to prepare the house for your guests as if she’s the help.
There is more than just this,
Get a counselling please,
Ideally you both should respect and help each other
* You should have asked her first about inviting your friends over
* If both agree, ideally both people should help each other
Both things goes vice-versa.
I see deeper issue here, not related to this particular incident
You invited them you clean and did you ask ahead of time if if was ok for them to come or just tell them they could come by, does she know these people if not she may be like me and not want to try an entertain people she does not know
You have a right to yoir feelings, we can’t change that. Also, whatever you decide in your marriage is what’s right, there is no “normal”.
Form an outside perspective, I want to say that people know that if you have little kids there’s going to be some toys around to keep them entertained. Your home doesn’t need to he showroom ready for s visit.
It sounds like you two need to talk specifically about visits and what the feelings and expectations are behind them for both of you. Then, come to a compromise. That’s pretty much it it just sounds like you haven’t specifically talked about how to handle visits and my guess is she feels like the division of labor [physical or mental] isn’t fair to her.
No right or wrong, no bad guy, just need a chat.
Maybe you should talk to your wife about how you’d love it if she stayed and socialized with your friends, and ask her why she generally doesn’t join
She isn’t required to like or socialize with your friends. The rule in our house is the person who extends the invitation is responsible for cleaning up before they arrive, host during and clean up after. You can’t get mad because she took you up on the offer you made. Or doesn’t want to host guests on her limited time off. It doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page about how much is too much guests and possibly who the guests are. You both need to communicate, listen and be respectful of each other. Not try to get her to support you on having people over.
Why can’t you clean up ? They are your friends after all ! I don’t understand why you would expect her to clean y’all House for your guest 🤔
I f*cking hate having people stay with us so I totally understand her POV even if she could’ve handled it better.
If my husband was having friends/family stay without asking if I was okay with it, he wouldn’t even have to invite me to leave. I would’ve already left.
We both clean the house and do cooking when we expect guests regardless of whose guests they are.
When I read these stories it blows my mind how people fight about stupid things.
As a wife to a husband who invites his friends without asking me, I can understand how difficult it must be for her.
There could be possible reasons for her not staying:
1. You guys had an argument on the day your friends were coming. I’m sure even if she didn’t mean to, the awkwardness involved post fight must have driven her out of the house.
2. She might also want to be a part of the decision on whether she is in the mood to host or not.
3. I saw that a lot of people who have posted that marriage is about partnership etc are getting downvoted. I totally agree with them though. I hope you won’t have any intentions to go away when your wife’s friends come over. So maybe talk to her about this once things settle down.
4. Plus the chores to get the house clean, cook meal and all so much involved might be tiresome for both of you since you are working so hard day in and out.
Hope you guys resolve this issue soon and stay happy!
I hear you, but it’s your friends and it’s only fair that you do at least more of the cleanup.
A lot of hate for OP but the fact that this visit was mentioned a month prior and she does a poor job of communicating (this is not the first occurrence) and bails makes her at least equally as bad as OP.
If it was a situation of you constantly inviting people over at the last minute and expecting her to do all the work, or the guests having a history of being disrespecting towards her, then I would totally understand. Based on your comments, you discussed inviting them before doing so. I find it strange that she got so upset and took the option of leaving. Whenever my husband or I invite anyone over, we discuss it first, and then both work to get the house prepared, food made, etc. I feel like that’s part of being in a marriage, you’re a team and help each other out which includes socializing with their friends and family.
First, I don’t agree with her walking out in the middle of the visit. But there’s obviously some underlying issue here, unless she’s entirely in the wrong. Ultimatums in the middle of the social visit are never a good idea.
After this I’d sit her down and ask what she expects when people come to the house. Does she want no visitors at all? Is there some minor thing that she expects and hasn’t told you (ie she wants the dishes cleaned up?)
Marriage about being a team, and socializing as a team.
My husband is a politically connected person in our county. Sometimes he talks to his colleagues about coming over on a sat night w their wives or another couple of city counselors or whatever. He doesn’t talk to me first about these, but expects me to be ready for them, including a spotless house and dinner or snacks. No big deal, I don’t mind. It’s fun listening to them talk and I love being in the inside of information, like watching a soap opera or smut tv, because is t that what politics is?
Anyway, recently he did the same thing and we were having a hard time coordinating when the spouses would be available and it dawned on me how these guys make these plans over a casual coffee but the women have to make sure it happens without consulting them. So I had a long talk w my husband about this. Basically, don’t say anything to them until you talk to me first. Then I’ll take it from there.
Anyway, it took one text and 60 seconds later the other spouses and I came up with a date for the immediate weekend, and I told them I’d take care of everything.
What I’m saying is, if you make her part of the planning, even ask her “permission” because they
L be coming into “her” house, she’ll probably be a lot more open to it. I don’t have little ones anymore, but I remember everything was ten times harder to get done back then so I see her frustration. But I would never make my husband look unsupported.
Long story short, I made him get involved in prepping and clean up and he’s less rushing to invite these guys over, instead they meet for coffee more. Lol
But really, I’d never leave the house, but I would expect you to help or do most of the clean up. Being married is also being supportive and making the spouse look loved.
I feel like there’s more at play here than simply cleaning for social visits. Her response and your reaction to it indicate to me, an untrained observer with only paragraphs of backstory, other deeper issues that are manifesting this way.
>I am more angry with how/why she doesn’t want to socialize with my/new friends
Probably because she’s exhausted from work and 2 kids and doesn’t want to play hostess on her “free time”.
They are your friends. Deal with them yourself. It’s not your wife’s responsibility to entertain your guests. Clean the house and whatever else you need.
Edit to add:
>But you are right, my anger is on how we are not able to “support each other even when it’s something of little interest to the other”. And I know I am guilty in other instances/things
Get couples therapy. Clearly there is stuff you aren’t telling us and this sounds like a “you don’t care about me so I won’t care about you” situation.
“Hey, I invited my friends to our home without discussing it with you first. I’m going to be offended if you dont hang out with us and clean up after us.”
You stated “I told my wife….that he and his wife will be visiting us….” Did you not ask her if she would be ok with it? Maybe she’s tired of being told things.
Honestly, no. Your friends, you “told” your wife about the visit, your “opinion” on a bit messy, you also “told” her she could take the 7 yo out for the day, your responsibility. You made your bed, sleep in it (clean it up first yourself).
Your friends, your cleaning.
Marriage with 2 little kids is tough. It’s really hard for both of you. Adding guests to your home routine is a lot. I say cut your wife some slack and when your guests are gone, talk to your wife about how she wants you to handle situations like this in the future, so you can be on the same page and work together.
Why are you extending invitations to have people at your family home and announcing it’s just gonna happen in a month?
I would not be cleaning up the house either (for the plans that YOU made and executed🤷♀️)
I think you should be grateful she took a kid off your hands as your thing wouldn’t excuse parenting responsibilities if you were my spouse… kids would be expected to be cared for in their home by their dad if HE wanted to invite people over next month and was already clear I had zero interest in entertaining for him (based off previous visits of HIS friends)
In my marriage people don’t get invited into OUR PRIVATE SPACE THAT IS OUR HOME without a discussion that ends in BOTH of us actively WANTING to invite x into our home…
If one doesn’t then you go the fuck out 🤷♀️
*I told her she’s free to take the older one and leave for the day. Sure enough she did!*
Look, you two need to come to some sort of agreement on stuff like this. Unless your vows were very different than mine, they probably didn’t mention being required to be Miss Perfect Hostess whenever you decided to invite your social circle over. It would be nice, but it isn’t a requirement.
You can be mad all you want, but telling someone they are off the hook and then being enraged when they take you up on that offer– that’s over the top.
Listen I have two young children and on the weekends the last thing I want to do is entertain. I get why she doesn’t want to. She took a child with her and that just means you get to have a nice visit. No tension and one less child to wrestle while visiting your dear friends that have come so far. We have learned to not get so caught up on little things and appreciate the other things. Best of luck