Long ass paragraphs. I’d greatly appreciate it if someone helps me here. Like seriously. I love you.
So I, an INFJ female just recently started dating a male who’s an INTP. We met through online, and it’s basically what I think you call it ‘Internet-Love’ or I don’t know. So the only way we could communicate or interact is by texting or calling. I’ve done lots of researching in the internet, all about dating an INTP and stuff related to that.
Things I’ve learned is that they’re not the best at texting, they don’t know how to express themselves properly, they don’t know how to connect with other people’s emotions but only understand it, always needing “alone time”, dislikes clingy people when I think I am pretty clingy to the people I love, dislikes it when people text/message them too much, dislikes it when someone takes their freedom or peace away from them, may seem emotionless/passive, doesn’t text/message me a lot because they don’t know what text and etc. I apologize if I’m wrong with some of this, please do correct me if I am, I got most of them from reading tons of reddit posts.
The first time me and this INTP male met was a dream come true for me, he was the best and he was perfect, we bonded so well together and always the best chemistry in the room. I would be his ‘therapist’ every time he needs one to help with his personal problems and he told his friends, “She always fixes my problems. Everyone needs someone like her.” My friends would always be jealous of me, which I really fo felt bad for and hope they can also find somebody great one day. We chat every single day, I always message him first and he would always reply fast. Then a week later, he started being the one who starts conversations with me which he never usually does. I remember he messaged me first as soon as I woke up, “1 hour thinking of what to message you but I don’t know what.” or just creatively thinks of a way to start a convo with me. Then one day he decided to confess his feelings to me and I accepted them. The feeling was mutual.
It has been over 2 months since we started dating and 2 days ago, he opened up to me and became honest with me. He told me that I deserve someone who’s better, I deserve someone who has time for me and honestly, he wasn’t wrong at all. Ever since 2 days ago, he became extremely distant with me. I always had a feeling he wanted to be alone so I always ask him if he wants to be alone and he says, “Kinda. I’m sorry.” Then I just reply, “Alright, have fun” then he replies “Ily” which always gets me every single time I swear to god and I reply, of course an “Ilytt” then we would not chat or interact whatsoever the rest of the day. I crave for lots of love and affection from my partner, but he doesn’t give me that all the time and often I find him that he’s either busy, wants to be alone, sleeping or not in the mood. I don’t know if it’s just selfish of me wanting more affection and attention from him but I feel like I’m slowly losing my feelings for him but at the same time, I’m not.
Yesterday, he messaged and asked me, “Can we call” and I was surprised and replied “Alright” then we called for literally just 5 minutes, he had to do something. He told me he was just bored and wanted to talk with me. I honestly had a fun time during those 5 minutes of my life, but before, we used to do calls that lasted for like hours and hours and it was the best thing ever. But now, we never do that ever again because he’s became a lot more distant and busy.
I cried for 2 days straight, even before sleeping and probably as soon as I wake up as well in the morning. I know that’s kinda ‘wtf’, but I’m not exaggerating. He would be kinda ‘harsh’ sometimes, probably unintentionally but he’s just not afraid to say whatever to me and is very honest even to the point it hurts me. And I feel like I should open up to him about it but I don’t know how to. Or maybe I’m just scared.
Some examples/moments I remember with him:
Example 1
Him: When you vent or rant to me about your life problems, telling me you wanna die, it annoys me because I care about you so much
Me: I’m…sorry…I won’t do it again.
Him: Good.
Example 2
Me: Do you still like me? Be honest with me.
Him: You’ve asked that for like so many times and I’m tired answering it. Yes, I still like you. Now stop asking that damn question”
Me: I’m sorry…it’s just that I’m paranoid…and
Him: Stop being paranoid because I’ll always like you
Example 3
Me: Do you know who Hitler is?
Him: No, why? Who are they?
Me: Nothing, I just thought you’d know because it’s related to world war 2 (Before, the first few times we met, he’d always talk about that topic and would never get tired explaining it to me so I figured to brought up a topic he’s maybe interested about but it greatly backfired.)
Him: I’m not that into world war 2 ok
Me: Alright
And there’s a lot more but those are the ones that happened most recently/a few days ago. I truly do love him even if he hurts me unintentionally, he told me one time he would never want to hurt me. We both fell for each other the first day we met each other and I’m trying my hardest as an INFJ with all my understanding skills to understand him and just accept him for who he is and try to adjust. I am willing to wait for him to finally get comfortable with me more etc, but sometimes I feel like giving up because I feel like I’m just giving but never recieving anything which is the most INFJ thing ever but it’s reallly true. For his birthday a few days ago, I drew him something digitally as a gift, I drew two of his favorite female characters and I worked hard for it and he loved it when I sent him it. The problem is I think for me, is that I give too much to him, I become vulnerably selfless and prioritize his needs and wants more than my own. Morphing to the ideal type of girl he wants, and so much more. This is just how much I’ve become attached to him, love and care for him.
I’d love it if any INTP people or ANYONE out there helps me understand things more in my situation. Whether what you’ll say is a bit harsh or not, I don’t mind just say it all because I’m tired of overthinking, crying and not knowing what I should know. Being an INFJ is hard but I’d love to be a healthy one just for my INTP boyfriend.
Sincerely, a female INFJ who wants to stop crying everyday.
5 comments
Do you really think this myers-briggs stuff has real significance in a relationship?
INTJ male here. I cannot tell how much you two have been together in person. I see in order to have a “real” relationship to know each other in person, over time, under varying circumstances and situations.
I am a strong advocate in being authentically yourself and to love yourself first. When you say “I become vulnerably selfless and prioritize his needs and wants more than my own ” as well saying you want to die plus needing frequent reassurance then I that makes me wonder how emotionally healthy you are for a relationship.
I suggest that you consider seeing a therapist to help you in dealing with this.
You told him you wanted to die?
He probably questions your emotional stability because of that comment…have you met him in person? How old are you?
INTP here, who also has fallen badly for an INFJ. I am terrible at explaining and expressing things, I think, so don’t mind it if it was a bit meh.
1- I want you to know that if he were me, I would have no idea that you would suffer that much AT ALLLL. I mean, it seems so crazy to feel such roller coaster emotions at peaks (it’s understandable, but still crazy).
So what does that mean? It means that it’s better to tell him how you feel, but ofc not all the time bugging him about it. He doesn’t know it. He doesn’t know that you fall for him every time he says “Ily.”
2- I honestly hardly text anybody. Like, if I text anyone once a week, it means that I really care and don’t want this person out of my life, unless ofc there might be reasons that may appear better not to text.
3- don’t find it hard to believe that he might think he have found a gem in his life, but that also doesn’t mean that he wants to constantly be occupied by that gem. He needs space big time. When you ask if he still likes you, it quite honestly sounds really annoying when u do it often (it’s more than okay if you do it occasionally at a good moment).
4- what really makes me quite energetic and feel like I can seize the world is the the feeling that comes after having a deep conversation. Like, deep conversations that you or he usually wouldn’t talk about with other people make the relationship so very special.
Excuse my English if I have not been clear.