I have been really struggling emotionally so please bear with me with my story …
I broke up with my ex of 3.5 years at the beginning of this year. At the beginning when we started dating, he went cold towards me (for 1-2 months) 2 months in due to work and he thought I was too clingy. We didn’t have much foundation then and I was super upset. But he worked through his issues and opened up and completely changed for the better.
He then moved to my home country with me 6 months after we met. I started to feel confused about our relationship , but I couldn’t pinpoint the reason why. I knew he was the best person for me/that I knew, he prioritised me over everything else, but I just could not shake off the feeling that I didn’t feel excited when I saw him. I didn’t know whether that was how I was supposed to feel after being with the same person for sometime? I really wanted to like him and I thought time would do the trick. I did speak to people (friends) about it, if there was anything I could do to get me to have great feelings for him I would. Of course, I knew I was a really lucky person to have him, but because I was gradually getting bored of him (especially the last year of our relationship), I started asking for breaks, I would magnify small things that I didn’t like about him (even though 99% of him was perfect), I didn’t feel excited to have sex with him, I would get annoyed at him for no reason, I even told him I had a crush on another guy. I was very open to him about my confusion, but he chose stay with me.
Anyways, 3 years had past and I just didn’t really see a way out/how to clear my confusion. He wanted to marry me and I was scared. I could see him being a great father and husband but I thought am I going to feel this bored and unexcited for the rest of my life? I was preparing to move abroad again and he wanted to move with me but the thought scared me. The way I sounded when I spoke to my friends about it, everyone could tell that we were not meant to be together. I didn’t really put in any effort to help him with finding work/his visa, and before I left, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I cheated on him.
I told him immediately the next day because i felt he deserved to know the truth and I begged him to stay (2days before my departure). He (neither of us) didn’t really have time to process the whole thing and he decided to forgive me. After i’d left, he would have rollercoasters of emotions, I would get texts from him all the time saying how dare I cheat on him etc. At the same time, the confusion was still there. I didn’t know what to do, and the only way to solve this I saw was to break up with him. For the first month after our breakup, he was still hoping to get back with me, but I said to him “I would want to clear my confusion before getting back with you”.
After the fact that we’d broken up has sunken in, I began to think about all the good times we had, how amazing he was to me. He’s completely moved on now, has a new gf and has forgiven me. But he said he could never be with me again. Guilt has been eating me from within for the past half a year, there were 2 months which I was crying everyday and thought I was falling into depression. I still cry everytime I think about him. The way I treated him was extremely childish and selfish, but I didn’t see it at the time. I fully and utterly regret how I treated him at the time and if I was given a second chance, I would do it totally differently. I still love him and miss him so much, I wish I had broken up with him to clear my confusion before I cheated on him. He did not deserve any of my bullshit at all.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I don’t know how to forgive myself / move on from this, I feel like the most horrible person, I am still in so much pain …
2 comments
Why did you allow the people surrounding you to control your thoughts? They said that you two were not compatible. All of what you did leading up to the cheating part was to hurt him, and sleep with someone else was the cherry on top of the cake. You cannot forgive yourself. That is the fallacy that human have. If you forgive yourself that absolves you of the sins that you have committed in life. It does not work that way.
You hurt another human being who loved you for who you are, they accepted all your imperfections and did not judge you. He had genuine love for you. You lost the only one that had true love for you.
Taking responsibility now does not compensate for the agony he is facing, the man who loved you. Your actions changed yours and his life forever.
Take this as a lesson in life that every action in life has an equal and opposite reaction.
A hard lesson but a lesson you need to learn.
Sometimes there is no greater enemy of our own happiness than ourselves. Until you can become more mature in your expectations of your relationships, this could happen again.