I’ve been married nearly a decade and am trying to understand what my friend is going through and if I can even be helpful to her when she wants advice.
She’s in her late 30’s, would like to get married and have kids. The (imo) reasonable wants are
someone responsible- doesn’t always have an excuse for things that are preventable by proper planning.
Honesty- simple don’t lie about stuff and if you get caught in a grey area own up to it.
Steady career
Fiscally responsible, saves and manages his money well.
Wants to get married and have kids.
Patient, thoughtful, kind.
And lastly religious.
Now her additional preferences that I have encouraged her to give latitude on or give up all together
She wants chemistry
She wants him to be over 6 feet
She wants him to dress fashionably
To care about a general level of health and fitness
To like going out to fancy restaurants on a monthly basis
She wants someone who would like to travel a few times a year, places like Disney, New Orleans, LA, Miami, Vegas, Dallas. She would pay her travel expenses, but wants a travel partner who enjoys trips.
traditional masculine/feminine roles
basically she won’t do yard or trash duty, won’t fix things around the house. She will meal plan, clean, and decorate.
She overthinks things, over texts, gives too much too soon, and has recently become borderline clingy and I think it’s due to a scarcity mindset, so she’s actually scaring men off this way.
She has a career and owns her own small business. She’s genuinely loving and kind and would help out anyone in need (aside from yard work). She’s naturally pretty but does injections and I think it may be getting to the point where men see it and either find it unattractive physically or they see it as a high maintenance/insecurity red flag. I try to gently encourage her to be herself but it’s not my face so that’s a fine line. She’s smart and genuinely funny but can come off as ditzy. She will make everyone’s family fall in love with her. She’s compassionate and caring. She’s always styled when going to work or on dates, and looks great! The downside to that is it sometimes consumes her to the annoyance of anybody who just likes her and wants to spend time with her without waiting for her to find the perfect outfit, or to touch up her hair and makeup everywhere with a bathroom.
I think the main detriment here is superficiality- maybe on some level immaturity, and I sometimes don’t understand how someone so sweet and thoughtful and mature enough to run a business successfully, is having a hard time finding someone.
I am giving the full scope because I hope to get a real understanding of it the possible negatives outweigh the positives as far as a marriage match.
What advice do you have for me to be supportive and helpful as she’s asked for honest advice repeatedly.
35 comments
Honestly its not at all surprising shes still single based on your second list and everything past that. And a lot of those are all some pretty deep running character flaws that are not likely to be remedied just by giving advice. She has to recognize its an issue herself and want to fix it.
Tall, Rich, Fit, fashionable, travel buff, loves expensive restaurants and fancy getaways. That’s not too demanding….
She’s literally looking for James Bond.
There MAY be a guy out there who’d be a good match, but she won’t find him easily. Depending on where she lives, a matchmaker might help, or possibly one of the elite and/or Christian dating apps…or J Date if she’s Jewish. A religious guy who’s a business owner might be a good match for her (successful business owners tend to like showing off “trophy wives”). I know a woman like her who found her match, after she turned 40, on JDate with a friend of mine; my friend called me the morning after their first date to announce he’d met the woman he’d marry!). They’re happy together; she’s high maintenance, but he’s really happy with her, even though you couldn’t imagine two more different people. She’s really happy to be pampered and worshipped. And yes, they had kids.
Good luck. Im in the same boat on the other side. Handsome, fit, well off, good job, business owner. Would love to find someone who wants a family. The majority of people I meet either do not want kids. Are stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence, or have absolutely no room in their life for a partner. Best of luck to her. But its slim pickins.
I’m almost all of the ones shes looking for. Except I’m 5’8″ and I’m not that religious but I’m having issues on the other side, finding that one girl. I’m not that picky though. I’m actually divorced and have joint custody of my daughter and I know not a lot of people like that. One thing she has to realize is that she has to make compromises and see what is really important to her, because she is not gonna find a perfect man. Sounds like she has a bit of growing up to do.
She sounds like she’ll be unmarried and single well beyond her 30s
If nothing else she should get rid of that height requirement. She needless getting rid of guys for something needlessly superficial like. A few inches below 6 feet is still pretty tall.
Thank God I’m 5’11” and a half.
You know I was kind of rooting for her until the 6 feet part (and I’m 6 feet tall).
She reminds me a little of a friend of mine, also a friend of my father. He’s in his late 70’s now, never married. He has a PhD, had a great career, decent shape, tall, no glaring personality flaws. But he has only wanted to date women younger than 30.
That’s your friend’s future.
A therapist could help with her overthinking and clinginess.
She may have some success dating older men that appreciate the traditional gender role stuff.
The biggest issue here: she should go to therapy for her anxious attachment style. As long as she’s this clingy, she’ll scare men off.
I also think she should go for chemistry. Bc it’s hard to make a relationship work without sexual attraction. But she needs to let go of a lot of her material/superficial list items. Be more open to an equal relationship.
I think if she’s fudging up her face with fillers, maybe tell her. In a gentle way.
Most of those don’t seem like a lot to ask for… I mean, you think she should give up chemistry? Chemistry, Communication, and Compatibility are essential.
I think the height, gender roles, high maintenance, and insecure attachment style are the big issues here. Take gender roles for instance.. you’re not going to find a patient/thoughtful/kind man who also feels women are meant to do “women’s work” and “belong in the kitchen” — the two are inconsistent. I couldn’t even imagine wanting that and would worry for our children to have to grow up with that dynamic being modeled to them.
Your late 30 year old friend wants to start a family? That ship is close to sailing. I’m not going to lie, she sounds like a second job worth of effort to date. Fit, funny, fashionable, smart, good with money, wants kids, marriage, sets aside money for fancy dates, and a couple vacations a yea, do all the heavy lifting while she enjoys the AC chores. If I hit everyone of her check boxes, I probably wouldnt give her the time of day, but I’d also be in a Hallmark movie about a country boy trying to teach some big city girl how to love with the help of my dog
When I read that list I feel like I’ve read it a 100x before. Every single women says they are looking for those things (and why not, they’re all great qualities to have). It sounds like she already has a preconceived vision of exactly the type of man she wants. Maybe there’s a lot of unspoken things she’s not vocalizing about her requirements.
Men are very visual creatures. A lot of them don’t really care if you make a lot of money or own your own business. In fact, that may be a detriment and a little intimidating. What does your friend think of “dating down”? Is she ok making more money than her man (even if it’s against gender roles)? Does she require of herself what she wants from a partner (is she in shape)?
Ultimately, if she has a specific vision for the type of man she wants then that may be all that is in store for her…a vision. Marriage is a partnership and there have to be compromises. We don’t all live Disney fairytales and have Instagram lives. Marriage isn’t about just chemistry and fit. If we were all perfectly compatible in our relationships then there would never be any growth.
https://igotstandardsbro.com/
Try this then explain to her that the more requirements the fewer compatible people.
After 30, the dating pool slims out *a lot*. Although there might be single people, the ones with secure attachment are married off and settling down with a long term partner. To add this list would be hard in your 20s. In your 30s, the task is impossible.
Her best bet is to find an ambitious man in his 20s that likes older women, or a divorcee in his 40s or 50s that wants a trophy wife.
My list wasn’t so exhaustive, but I was still pretty picky, and single for a while. I’m 34 and ended up meeting a man 8 years younger than me, and we’re very happy. He’s a phenomenal boyfriend.
She needs to work on her attachment style while she’s single. Instead of obsessing about finding the right partner, she needs to work on *being* the right partner for someone else.
The 6ft really is limiting her pool the most. I’m 27 and attractive enough to have men hit on me daily but I don’t even make 6ft a rule. I want to find love and limiting finding a real connection to only 6ft and above, I even think is silly
The more requirements she has, the smaller her dating pool. The older she gets, the smaller her dating pool. She better be very good looking to get all that….or a bubbly personality. Relationships are all about compromise.
6ft is going to be the killer. 14.5% of men in the US are 6ft or taller.
People always overanalyze the singles but i know totally jacked up people who are married.
Yikes. I’d pass. Too many red flags.
Tell her she’s dreamin
There may be a guy out there that perfectly fits the list. But she’s not what he’s looking for.
Why should she give up on expecting chemistry?
Kind of important!
Some people only learn from making their own mistakes. Or not. It’s hard enough to find an emotionally functioning man who isn’t abusive, isn’t ego-driven, isn’t too depressed for a relationship (and is really looking for a mummy/carer) and who has basic hygiene sorted out.
She’ll likely learn by doing. And by that I mean being hurt when her expectations of men don’t match actual real men.
The honest truth is as she’s in her late 30s, she just have to make some concessions somewhere. The dating pool is just smaller, most people her age are married and have young families already.
While I don’t think her list is all that unreasonable, the height thing is something that needs to go, tall men are overrated and some of the most decent partners she’s automatically excluding.
I honestly think the religious thing is what’s thwarting her the most. Maybe she’ll find a widower? Because by late 30s those religious dudes are looooong married.
That list is too long. I’d suggest your friend make a list of absolute dealbreakers and be open to anything other.
She’s about to be a cat lady. The 6ft one is hilarious. Tell her to stop watching RomComs and Hollywood movies. She’s clearly consumed with media, probably watches a shit ton of reality tv and worships celebrities. Or just way too much Instagram.
Chemistry’s required. I’m stunned you find that unreasonable.
Ask her why the six foot thing and fashionably dressed things are important. If they’re checklist items, they’re going to considerably reduce her chances of finding a good partner. I have attractive, bubbly, religious single friends who are years younger than her and *still* can’t find a man that fits all those qualities.
However, if her reasons are something like “I like to feel protected and feminine (for the height)” or “I like to know my guy takes care of himself (for the fashionably dressed)” then encourage her to think of other ways guys may fulfill those feelings that don’t meet such narrow criteria.
I can’t tell you whether your friend has a good chance, bad chance, or no chance. But I will say that in her late thirties, a lot of men will have age filters set for at least three years younger than themselves (according to many of my later thirties friends I talk to). In essence, unless she offers a rich, rewarding, and inspiring love life that can compete with her younger competition, it’s going to be very hard for her.
To be clear: this is not a comment on her worth as a human. But dating is, for better or worse, a bit of a marketplace. It’s like a super mutant hybrid of a friendship and business partnership. People are looking for the future mother/father of their children, the person they’ll grow old with, the person they’ll lean on emotionally, perhaps even financially. If you’re going to have preferences, you need to weigh these against what that “marketplace” (hate the word but it is the reality) is offering. Not to say she has no hope, but the stricter and more particular she is, the more she’ll have to *really* stand out against the other options who are vying for the same partners (this is true for men and women, by the way).
>I sometimes don’t understand how someone so sweet and thoughtful and mature enough to run a business successfully, is having a hard time finding someone
Well, look, finding love is fucking hard. That’s not unique to your friend for having preferences or being picky. That just means she’s making it even harder for herself than it already is.
I don’t understand. If she looks for chemistry, why she didn’t find any chemist or chemical engineer?
That’s a hell of a list. That’s a hell of a guy.
Whats she offering that that such a man might want when she’s competing with dozens of others for such a top class bloke?
If she’s all that, fair enough but dating gets harder as you grt older. She’s might have to adjust expectations.
Soooooo she wants a tall, handsome, fit, rich guy to spoil her with fancy dinners and traveling? While being in her late 30….and her only qualifications for that are *checks notes* she’s sweet and owns a business. With all due respect, she’s delusional
Wow , is this post about me?!?!😝 seriously I fit it well, it actually scared me for a moment. I’m 37F, in the same exact position. I recently found a guy I thought was great, until I received a text saying “our life differences & crazy schedules would make a relationship a bad idea at the moment”…I feel I’m attractive, pay for my own things, great job, own place, & just graduated with my masters degree. And I get dumped, so I’m kinda lost on how to help. Every guy around me says I’m nice ,compassionate, and funny & can’t figure it out. However, I do believe I have the same problem as your friend. I’m a little insecure, so I try to be “perfect” superficially. I spend way too long on hair, makeup, tan, fitness.. that I think either it’s a turn off or men just see me as a hookup.
I hope to gain answers from your post, but recently I’m spending time alone to figure out what I want. I keep dating and matching with guys that are great, but I fit into their life. None of them have come into mine, and I think that’s my biggest issue.
I know I fall way too fast, & scare good guys away. So I’m trying to move slower, & be more confident in that I’m a good women. I have more to offer then looks, and I’m sure your friend does as well. Tell her to really look at herself and what she can improve on to be confident and a better partner. ❤️
Serious question. Say your friend meets a person who actually is ALL THESE THINGS.
Is she the right person for him? Does she meet his imagined list?
I tend to think dating is essentially solved not by ‘finding the right person’ but by ‘becoming the right person.’
There are men maybe even quite a few men that match her criteria but I think the real question here is if those men want her..? I think seeking out a dating coach may not be a bad move since I’m assuming she’s willing to sacrifice some $$ for the time she’ll hopefully save.