Am I Too Selfish or is She Too Needy?

We’re in our early 30s. I get into trouble with my girlfriend literally every 1-2 weeks. We usually have at least a mild argument once, if not twice a week. We’ve only been together for 5 months, and since the start of our relationship – there’s been ALOT of aggro. I should probably preface this with the fact that I have inattentive ADHD and my girlfriend has OCD, so our temperaments are opposite in some ways.

It feels like I’m always in the dog house over something and I am sick and tired of it. I’m constantly having to ‘patch things up’. Sometimes I tell myself that there’s friction because she wants me to be someone I’m not, that I can’t keep her satisfied by being my (flawed) self, I’ve often told her that I feel like a failure and that I can’t do anything right. I have my habits and thought processes – that’s who I am. Why does it always have to be ME that is in the wrong, who needs to change? What’s wrong with me?

All the fights we’ve had have boiled down to me not meeting her needs – me not being communicative enough, affectionate enough, present enough, I’ve found it hard to get things right. I usually think that she’s going to break up with me every time we have a fight. Honestly, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells and can’t relax.

I was a single bachelor for years and I’m an only child from a broken home with a family that I’m not close to. She is the complete opposite, she has a sister and a very tight relationship with her family. Her parents are still married and live next door to her, they are in contact with her daily.

Adjusting to being in a relationship after living a quiet, isolated life has been **extremely** difficult and overwhelming for me. I’ll admit I was so used to being selfish – doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and only having to worry about myself for the vast majority of my adult life. A few weeks ago I had been to a couple of therapy sessions to help me stop stonewalling as a defense mechanism when I feel attacked in relationships. It’s been a big problem for us.

This morning I had to work and then pick up something from the store. We had discussed seeing each other later in the afternoon, but I got so caught up in what I was doing that I didn’t notice the time and was expecting her to initiate a text as I was the last one to say something and thought we’d just catch up in the evening. To me this is no big deal.

However. She eventually got in contact and was angry with me, saying I never thought to tell her where I was and that the same issues keep happening. I find it very frustrating and It’s affecting my self esteem.

She has in the past said that I am hard-wired to be selfish and that my brain goes to what I want before it goes to thinking about another person’s needs. At times I have said that it feels like her expectations are too high or she can come off as controlling, but when she asks me to give her examples, I struggle to give them, it’s just a feeling I get and then she is quick to throw out phrases like ‘gaslighting’.

All this sounds crazy and dare I say, toxic. But the reason we’re together is because of the level of emotional connection we have, we have so much fun, laughter, common interests and passion between us. For the most part we’re happy but these repeated issues make me doubt our long term potential, even though I can see us with a house and a baby. She wants to settle down together but I sometimes worry because I fear I will always cause problems and I’ll end up being stressed all the time from the drama.

We love each other so much but at this stage I just don’t know whether the problem is truly me or not.