I have a fwb and when we have sex he always puts it in me raw when we do PIV (which isn’t usually). I’m just not sure if it’s something I actually consented to or not. I don’t know if there’s a gray area. I also don’t know if I consented to PIV to begin with.
I’m a very agreeable person, so I guess it’s hard for me to tell what I’m actually comfortable with or what I’m doing just to be agreeable. This is the only sexual relationship I’ve had with someone.
I told him maybe a month ago that I was done with penetration unless I explicitly asked for it, and that I was done with him putting it in me raw and he needs to use a condom. We’re friends now, but we used to date and I didn’t have a problem with him not using a condom then. But since our breakup I’ve been hesitant about it. He’s been with a couple people since but is only having sex with me now. He says he’s clean and I haven’t contracted any disease to my knowledge since.
When we have sex though he always tries penetration, which in the moment I say yes to even though it’s not what I want nor asked for, I see it more as something for him. PIV is painful for me because of my tightness and not being wet enough and I wanted him to understand that I’m usually hurt from it. But every time we have sex I guess he just forgets or doesn’t think about it.
He also always puts it in without a condom. After I asked him to use a condom from there on out he used one that night and the next time we were sexual he didn’t use one and I said it’d be the last time. Since then I guess I just stopped caring.
I always agree to it in the moment. I’ve always agreed to it our whole sexual relationship, which we’ve had for years. I usually just don’t have feelings of caring, apathy, my emotions are distant from me. But then afterwards, even days later I just start thinking about it and regretting it. But every time we have sex I agree to it nonetheless.
He’s lied to me before (though he was using drugs then and he’s not using them now) and I don’t want a disease. I’ve also become much more anxious about accidentally getting pregnant. I want him to use a condom and to stop pressuring me into PIV, but I also know he probably won’t stop and I’ll probably continue to be agreeable in the moment. I always say yes in the moment. I feel like I give him consent physically. But I don’t feel like I give him consent emotionally. I’m just so distant from my emotions I feel so apathetic to it and regretful afterwards.
I don’t want advice to stop having sex with him. I’m demisexual and so to have my needs filled he’s the only person I’m actually attracted to. I want to continue my sexual relationship with him. Since I started to open up it’s been better in all the other aspects and I want to explore my sexuality more, esp before I start to date again. I enjoy my sexual relationship with him, but I very much dislike that he just won’t listen to me when I ask him to use a condom or to only penetrate me if I explicitly ask. He’s like this sexually, selfish and focuses on his needs. He’s beginning to understand as I’ve talked to him more about it recently. But anything that directly involves his dick just goes in one ear and out the other.
I feel like I’ve always consented to him doing these things but now I’m really questioning it. I guess I don’t actually know what consent is, or what the gray area of it would be. So I’m asking here, since you people know better than I do.
I’m sure I just seem foolish, stupid, or like a pushover. I’m aware I’m like that.
3 comments
Set a boundary and stand your ground. I am not defending him at all, but sometimes in the heat of the moment people do forget or get distracted. So next time if he tried anything you’re not happy with, tell him to correct it at that exact moment. His reaction to that will let you know if he is a good person for you to continue sleeping with or not.
To me it’s clear that he knows you’ll end up agreeing anyway, so your attempts to tell him that you want to change things (not doing piv because it’s not pleasurable for you, and using condoms because you have to use them you’re risking a lot every time while he’s not risking a thing) will do nothing.
He will just ignore them, he’s taking advantage of your agreeableness.
Technically you say yes, even if you don’t want to, so it’s not really consent, but this is not even the problem here. He doesn’t care about your preferences, opinions and well being. I understand that demisexuality makes it harder for you to find someone else, but this is not healthy, period.
You’re not stupid or foolish, but if you have told him “do not do this thing” and he does the thing you told him not to, that is a violation of consent. If he pressures you into saying yes by repeatedly trying to do the thing you previously asked him not to, that is coercion and thus not genuine consent. If this person has a pattern of not respecting your boundaries and/or violating your consent, then you kind of have two options. Keep having sex with him that you do not seem to enjoy bc it feels violating or stop having sex with him. 🤷🏻♀️ Asking him more times is not going to fix the problem.
It seems like you already know what you need to do which is why you told us you didn’t want to hear it.