I (M31) met a lovely lady (F33) at a relative’s wedding 3 months ago. She’s about a year separated from an 8 year relationship. It ended when her partner who she really trusted, badly betrayed her by having sex with multiple people they both knew. Something to do with him feeling inferior as she’s in a good job. Despite everything she’s been upfront that this was a guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with. And she had a way to go to get over it.
Knowing of the damage I was conscious to take things slowly. We are a distance apart and she had holidays booked so our dates were spread out over time. We shared chemistry, values, good conversation and interests. I talked to her more frequently and started to miss her between dates.
On our final date I could feel the sexual tension building and we ended up having passionate sex. But afterwards, during the pillow talk she said again that she didn’t know if she was ready for a relationship. I made it clear that I didn’t want friendship / FWB, it was either going to be a relationship or going our separate ways.
After giving her a few days space to think, I called it that if she’s still indecisive then that calls it and I’ve blocked her. I deserve someone who knows they want me enough to work through anything else they migjtrbe going through.
I’m wondering if 1. I screwed things up having sex relatively soon. 2. Whether there’s any validity in her excuse. That if she liked me enough she’d work through her struggles with her ex who she has left and has promised she’ll never return to.
Deep in my heart I hope she’ll reach out through our mutual connections and realise her mistake, but I know I can’t count on that so it’s back to square one I guess. Just want to know if you think I screwed up here..
TL:DR met a girl with some ex issues, had sex 3 months in, she was noncommittal about being in a relationship.
6 comments
You two wanted different things. You are just incompatible with each other. You wanted someone who is ready for a relationship right now, and she is not someone who is ready for a relationship right now. So, there was no way it could work.
You just avoided the almost certain result of being her rebound. You’re right, you deserve to be with someone without reservations. We all do.
If you are THE ONE, they will not equivocate. And there is no way you could be the one for her at this moment since she still has so much baggage from the last guy.
You did the right thing.
You didn’t screw up, she just still has some things to figure out. Was it necessary to block her? Probably not, I think she was honest with how she felt and you were honest with how you felt, leave it at that. She didn’t “make a mistake”, she just can’t see a relationship with you right now, possibly anyone.
Tbh I think even if you did not have sex, she would have still responded in the same way.
Also, I don’t agree with this idea that liking you or anyone else enough would motivate a person to resolve their trauma. Her trauma and her healing have NOTHING to do with you or anyone else. It is purely HER journey. And she was upfront about her mental state even before you guys had sex anyways so I don’t really know why you are surprised that she did not change her mind that quickly. Meeting someone new (even a good person) is not a magical elixir that heals trauma or a guaranteed motivator to heal “faster”. It is a very personal thing that is not a reflection on anyone else. The only person it is reflecting is her. I would say the only thing you did wrong was not managing your expectations when you were clearly told, “I’m not ready for a relationship” for perfectly legitimate reasons.
> I screwed things up having sex relatively soon.
You had sex three months in. That’s not relatively soon, at least not by most people’s standards.
> Whether there’s any validity in her excuse.
I don’t think she gave you an excuse. She gave you a reason: she’s not ready for a relationship with you, and I don’t see why you’re reluctant to believe it. Whether she’d be willing to move things forward with someone else is irrelevant; she was clear about not being in the headspace to move things forward with you, and that’s what matters. You did the right thing letting her go. Don’t wait for her to “realize her mistake”; she doesn’t seem to have made one, and neither have you. You just weren’t right for each other.
>Knowing of the damage I was conscious to take things slowly.
Always good advice.
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>we ended up having passionate sex
This could change things, in most cases, but I don’t think it has any bearing this time around.
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> I made it clear that I didn’t want friendship / FWB, it was either going to be a relationship or going our separate ways.
Good for you! You are clear on what you want… and just as importantly, *don’t* want.
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>After giving her a few days space to think, I called it that if she’s still indecisive then that calls it
Agreed. She has to poop, or get off the pot. Do one or the other, rather than just sit there.
The bar is set high, and she didn’t make much effort to reach it, so she can’t be counted on to put in the effort on a relationship.
I think you have your answer.
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>I’m wondering if:
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>1. I screwed things up having sex relatively soon.
Normally I’d say to wait on the sex, but it really does not appear to be of any consequence here. Hope it was good physical exercise for both of you.
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>2. Whether there’s any validity in her excuse. That if she liked me enough she’d work through her struggles with her ex who she has left and has promised she’ll never return to.
It seems she’s either unwilling or unable to deal with her ex, and any other issues she has (indecision). You’re better off with someone not so tied to the past, and unmotivated by the future.
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>Deep in my heart I hope she’ll reach out through our mutual connections and realise her mistake
Don’t hold your breath waiting.