Hello people, I need some fresh perspective as I am feeling I (f41) am on a dead end with my bf (m45). I don’t ask for validation or for blaming him, just to see if there is a different way to view his behaviour and maybe be more accepting or communicating with him in a way that he can understand and value my needs.
We are both professionals, with 100% care of our children and live separately. We have been together for one and a half year and those issues are recurring but now they have reached to a point that I can’t continue ignoring them or simply hoping that he will get it and things will magically change.
My bf leads a very busy life, caring for two small kids, busy job, running the house on his own, a complicated and toxic relationship with his ex and occasionally caring for his elderly parents. On top of that he appears to have severe (untreated) ADHD and anxiety and the symptoms I feel are the main complicating factors, that is why I put it on the title.
So in this one and a half year we have had very very little quality time and I have struggled with that, but he is very busy, he is taking it very slow with bringing his kids in the relationship and he cares for them 100% of the time time and also he has difficulty planning and being on time. We meet predominantly in my house during working hours for 3-5 hours twice, max three times per week. He is always late. We had no holidays together (we have one planned next month), one sleepover, one or two date nights, no weekends together. On top of that my bf has cancelled a lot of plans we had (holidays, sleepovers) due to complications with his ex or parents and we are unable to plan anything and this has caused me a lot of resentment. Planning even a phonecall is so stressful because I never know if he will do what he says he will do ie call me back later. He decides when we meet and its usually on the day that I find out the exact time. This causes a lot of uncertainty and anxiety on my side as I feel like I am always on hold and I have no control of the relationship. I want to clarify that I am certain that he is not doing these on purpose. I think the ADHD and the stress he experiences of juggling so many responsibilities make his day to day functioning very difficult.
However I keep feeling like an afterthought and I get hurt that he never initiates anything. I have to ask when we will meet or for better communication. He never calls or say he wants to come see me because he missed me. Its always because I asked.
So I have put up with the cancellations, lateness, no inclusion in his life and minimal quality time but I have asked him to at least communicate better with me. Set time aside to call me once or twice a day, text me, just to keep some sense of continuity in the relationship and also I like to share my day and plans with him and to know his. Otherwise I feel very disconnected. He says he understands but never really keeps up with it. Most days I have no idea what he does or where he is and he doesn’t know where I am or what I do either. With my previous partners we had frequent contact throughout the day and I always felt connected even if we didn’t meet often. I miss that and I realise that it doesn’t come naturally to my current partner, but I’d like some of it at least. I wonder if that is an unreasonable demand from someone with potentially severe untreated ADHD and a stressful life and from a partner in general?
He promises he will try but things never change. I complain about it and we argue. He gets defensive and I don’t think he can cope with the conflict so he withdraws which causes me to become more anxious and lose faith in the relationship as I don’t see the point of it if I feel I have to ask the other person for attention and time constantly. I don’t know how else to approach it and to make him understand that I also have needs and this is the minimum he can do considering that he has all these complications in his life that limit his time and attention.
I am trying to be understanding and compromise but I don’t feel its mutual. I know that complaining about it and sending him long messages threatening to leave if he disappears all day don’t help. I take responsibility of that. I used to be very relaxed but with him I feel always on edge. He gets very defensive when I try to talk to him. I just don’t know how else to reach him. Having said that he is a lovely person who struggles right now and I think we both want to save this relationship but we are so stuck in this unhealthy dynamic. Any thoughts and suggestions?
TLDR: am I being unreasonable by expecting my ADHD bf to communicate better with me?
2 comments
You are an afterthought, he has a busy life sure but if he wanted to make time for you, he would.
He tells you what you want to hear when you bring it up but nothing actually changes.
At some point you’re going to have to draw a line for yourself, tell him you are nearly at your breaking point and if nothing changes then actually do something about it, because just getting mad, him saying oops sorry, and not changing, is just going to happen again and again and again.
If he wanted to “save this relationship “, he could do any one of the action steps you’ve suggested. Or think of ideas himself. He has not.
Your needs are valid. His difficulties are unfortunate but zero change is unacceptable. The only thing I can think of is him setting an alarm reminding him to talk to you but that only works if he’s being honest about simply not remembering to and wanting to change.
Even if it’s truly entirely a mental illness/out of his control drama issue with no amount of effort able to fix it, your needs are valid and you don’t have to stay just because he can’t help it.
Maybe revisit his promises to find out what he actually thinks he can manage, not just what he thinks you want to hear. And consider what about the relationship he’s desperate to maintain, whether it’s you or things you’re able to do for him, and decide if you’re even happy with those answers.