How can I stay calm when my dad screams at me?

21 comments

1. Sounds like he is American lol

2. Have exit strategies. I grew up with same kind of father, I’ve tried everything. Me staying calm actually got him even more wound up. Have excuses how you can exit the conversation. Need to go to bathroom, remembered you left something on, digestinal distress, anything that would give him time out.

   My father never changed, and I gone no contact with him about 6 years ago.

3. Only insecure people raise their voices. Let that be your mantra. Keep breathing and understand that he’s upset because he feels powerless; by acting submissive, you give him control. Learn how to remain calm and diplomatic in front of people who scream like parrots at sunrise. Walk away if you can. Shrug it off. Steal the winds out of his sails. He’ll get irate at first, until he realizes he’s not going to get a grip on you and all he does is pushing his child away.

4. Remember you can pick his retirement home when hes old.

5. Is he aware of what he is doing? Not sure if making him understand the effect is having on you might help. For example, when he tries to engage you, just say you have no energy for a fight. This might open his eyes or just spark another screaming match. Make it clear that you do not enjoy his company when he is starting to “debate”. physically remove yourself saying something like “ this is why I avoid getting into debates with you” or “ i am tired of this”. Only engage him if he shows he is willing and able to stay rational. Every time he dissolves into screaming, calmly ask him why is he screaming, state you cannot have a calm discussion like this and just leave. Start clearly avoiding him, whenever possible. Perhaps he will get the message. If this just sparks a debate, then he is never going to change and just start spending less time with him, avoid situations where you two could be alone, keep ignoring or “grey rocking” him.

6. I grew up with a Dad kinda like that. Sucks because it’s going to leave some scars for you to deal with later in life. But yeah have an exit strategy ready at all times. If he follows you around while screaming, find ways not to be around him or at home most of the time.

7. You don’t have to, it’s a normal reaction. Set boundaries, tell him to be quiet, leave the room if he doesn’t.

8. Some people are like garbage trucks. They drive around full of trash, and when they get full they need to empty all the trash they got. What can you do? Clean up the trash.

   When your dad start screaming he is emptying all the trash he got. Your job is to clean up that trash. Think about this. And this is true for every situation when someone is aggressive and starts screaming or yelling.

   How can you clean up the trash? That’s your job to figure out. Just remember this.

9. My step dad used to yell at me a lot and idk why but I would just freeze up and wouldn’t say anything. If I was really mad I’d fight back but usually just wide eyed.

10. Remember that it’s not about you it’s about him, hear me out. His bad behavior is a reflection of him and he’s taking it out on you. There’s nothing you can do to take ownership for him! When he starts screaming and you want to react take three deep breaths and repeat to yourself this isn’t my boulder to shoulder or something similar. You aren’t responsible for carrying his shit ❤️

11. Just act calm and think calm thoughts, try to relax and talk to him in a relaxed tone, as if everything is normal. It might not work at first, but if you continuously act calm you will eventually feel calmer as well. I used to be easily annoyed and frightened, but I learned to stay relatively calm even when people are angry at me

12. Tune him out. Let him yell and scream. Think of him like a small bird trying to make himself seem scary. That’s all it is. He’s not going to bite. Don’t reward the behavior by responding to it. If he stops screaming, then start talking again. If he doesn’t stop, keep ignoring and start doing something else. Pick up a book and start reading, or something.

13. One coping strat is to find whatever words or sentences trigger the yelling to begin with. If it’s something with money, don’t mention prices. Anything about your mom, just say you hope he’s doing good, etc.

    Sucks to be in a situation like that and it’s very hard to know if it can be turned around without knowing more about him. Stay strong my friend.

14. My dad is like this. He’d also end up blaming me for starting the arguments (yelling) when he was “just talking.” I stopped engaging. It’s difficult because he says such obvious untrue things it makes me feel insane sometimes. I ended up completely grey rocking him, and it’s the only thing that stopped it. It was very effective too. The thing I learned is that you can’t just turn it on, you have to not engage from the very start, or at the lastest, the very first sign of disagreement. I got comfortable with just saying “okay” or “I guess so” or my most used, “I don’t know.” The flat tone is key. No emotion at all. No sarcasm, no annoyance or dread. If people heard me talking to him they’d probably think I just didn’t have thoughts or something lol. It felt kind of cruel at first but he barely notices, he only cares about what he has to say anyway. It dies down quick though and he’s less likely to choose me when he’s feeling especially argumentative.

15. Oh gosh, sounds like my dad. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    It is hard and it made me really sensitive and gave me a ton of issues. I dealt with it by working, staying at the library and the gym (high school and college). I was away from home or in my room as much as possible.

    I also realized it wasn’t personal and he yells at a lot of people.

16. Same with my dad. At this point I’ve just accepted a grown ass man won’t change so I’ve learned what kind of subjects triggers his debate mode and I just avoid it at all costs.

17. I became dissociative. I just leave my body here for the argument MOST of the time. I get dragged in every now and again, but most of the time I’m somewhere else because fuq it.

18. Bro i have the same problem. And every time he tries to convince me that I started that shit. Even if I just respond to his questions. He starts debates over the smallest shit and just screams if I start explaining my opinion. I go away if I can (sometimes it’s really hard to not argument if you know 100% that you are right) but even when I try to explain he just gets louder. Tells me to shut up and respect elders. (But I think that’s the way he grew up, he is kind of old and old fashioned too – that’s how he learned from his parents – in Bosnia that’s where he is from he learned that everything that parents say has to be accepted and not discussed about. – I’m trying every time to keep in head that’s how he was raised and go away instead of arguing. And that helps after a couple of hours when I come out of my room or where I’ve been he forgets about it and talks normal again.

    I know he don’t want that too, but that’s the way he was raised. And afterwards I can feel he feels bad but it just happens Over and over…

    Just keep distance in this moments and try to remain calm and just say ok.

    Have to fight with this shit every second day. But trying to understand his background.

19. My dad was narcissist who was emotionally abusive, so I understand how distressing it can be to be screamed at.

    What I learned is to cut them off (as soon as they raise their voice) by walking away, don’t listen and don’t respond. This will enforce the idea that he won’t get your attention unless there is mutual kindness and respect. Being consistent with what you won’t tolerate will discourage his behavior and conserve your well-being.

    If you can’t get away, I highly recommend looking into grounding techniques which shift the focus from your dad to something more self-soothing. Things like mindfulness meditation alongside deep-abdominal breathing may sound like ho-ha but it actually works by kicking in the parasympathetic nervous system to become calmer.

    With small amounts of daily practice it’ll serve to be the calm button to your panic button and a reflex for when you can’t escape the screaming. I hope this helps!

20. Move out asap, I had the same kind of dad except he did put me down a lot

21. it sounds like you have developed some anxiety from this regular occurrence. have you talked to him about it? can you say “Dad, you dont have to yell. we are just having a conversation. i would like to have conversations with you but im starting to develop a lot of anxiety over the yelling.”

    usually people like this had an upbringing where they either 1) never felt seen or heard, like their feelings and opinions didnt matter, or 2) they are generally very insecure about their place in the world and feel like they have to fight to hold space for themselves. when you even slightly disagree with him you are triggering these old wounds. knowing this might help you to understand whats going on instead of reacting emotionally, which just adds fuel to the fire.

    my suggestion is to consider how you are engaging with him. one thing i find that works really well when disagreeing with someone is to validate one part of what they said before disagreeing with the other part. “i agree with you when you said ‘bla bla bla’. the part i am questioning is ‘bla bla bla'”. dont even say you disagree, or no youre wrong. say you are “questioning” something, or you are “not sure” about it. this makes it feel to the other person that its less personal, not directed at them specifically, but directed at the information being conveyed. its not a perfect solution as he shouldnt be doing this, but hes not likely to change unless he decides he wants to change. this is just a strategy you can use so as to not trigger him so much.