Not quite sure what to do in this situation. Nor could I decide if I should post this in parenting or marriage.
My husband loved being a Dad to our newborn and baby. We were originally going to just have one but when our daughter turned 17 months we decided to start trying to have another. I got pregnant, pretty quickly, baby is healthy, everything seemed to be going good.
Our daughter turned 2 and everything changed (for my husband). She started doing the typical toddler stuff, testing boundaries, being sassy, unintentionally trying to harm herself. Honestly, I think she’s pretty well behaved in the scheme of toddlerhood.
My husband HATES being a dad she turned 2. He admitted tonight that he hates this stage with a passion and he’s not looking forward to doing it all over again with the baby.
I’ve been trying to do as much as I can with our daughter, but then he gets angry and says I would be doing it anyways so it’s not like I’m “really helping.” Honestly, it’s starting to just turn him being angry consistently and for long periods of time. Idk exactly what to do or say… I’m 33 weeks pregnant and it’s not like I can undo our kids.
Any advice? I know this stage is challenging for a lot of people, so I’m trying to be empathetic. I just don’t know how to balance my husband’s behavior and making sure my daughter is well taken care of.
14 comments
He might need to be evaluated for depression. However, to a certain extent he really needs to just suck it up. NO ONE likes when their child is being difficult. That’s why it’s difficult. One chooses to deal with that when they become a parent
The particular set of approaches and adjustments that will yield the best results for your family are difficult to identify without a lot more information. But here are a couple firm observations.
(1) Different parents, for various reasons (gender, personality type, relationship style, etc.) find different ages and stages of parenting / family life more frustrating or more comfortable or more rewarding. Know that “this too shall pass” and the dynamics and tone will evolve over time.
(2) Be grateful that you two are discussing these things and that he is being open and honest. You’re in a much better place working through things than you would be if they were bottled up or repressed.
I despised that stage. I was literally in survival mode the entire toddler period…and I have 5 kids. Having toddlers really truly sucks for some people (myself included). That doesn’t make him a bad person or even a bad father. Just don’t expect him to be a happy person while he has toddlers. For some people, that’s impossible.
I love my kids but sometimes I really hate being a dad as well. My kids are 6 and 10. The younger stages were fine but lately like the last few years have been much worse. My patience is running thin. Although I don’t think It’s all my kids. My wife really tests my patience as well…so probably more of that
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As a mom of two under 4. I hate being a mom pretty often…. It’s hard. I have anger issues and depression and struggling to take on the demands of parenthood and marriage and my own life is A LOT. It makes me feel resentful of people without kids but I’d never turn back time.
Maybe suggest he gets a therapist and he still gets time to do his hobbies and see his friends and goes out with you. It’s important for him to have his own identity throughout the next few years & not be just DAD.
He needs therapy as to why he is so triggered by this stage.
He needs a buddy who’s handling this better to talk with. Toddlers are crazy busy but with the right attitude, they’re hilarious and cute, too. But he needs to understand that as a parent in the home, he sets the tone and the environment. If he’s going to be shitty about it, everyone’s going to have a bad time and a child will grow up afraid of now and later hating him.
What’s done is done. If he can’t get a handle on this, he’s looking at losing his family and you, child support and legal fees. And you’re looking at single parenthood. All of that’s bad. But it doesn’t have to be that way at all.
Some empathy for him is necessary though difficult because you’re pregnant. Different stages of childhood are harder to handle for different individuals. I handled birth to 2yrs like a boss. Ages 2-4yrs almost killed me though. It was the opposite for my partner. We have learned to read each other very well. We can tell when the kids are grinding our gears and step in to help each other out so we don’t blow up. We also work kid-free time into our days FREQUENTLY, with one person handling kid duty while the other decompresses.
I’m a mom and can 100% relate. My daughter wasn’t bratty or throw fits like my best friends kids (who were and still are MONSTERS). I just either got really lucky in that I missed the terrible twos or I don’t know.
Anyway, I hated that stage. With passion. Not bc of my child really but all the other bratty, screamy, whiny kids I had to be around bc my child was that age. You know, birthday parties and that jazz. I fuckin hate baby showers too, I almost didn’t go to mine.
Anyway just saying he’s not alone in that. It’s hard. Your life has to kind of just be KEEP THE KIDS ALIVE. Until they’re like 7. I feel like at 7 it’s gotten way easier. Now my daughter is 12 and life is peachy.
I love my kids, but there were times during the toddler years that I felt like I hate the whole being a parent thing. It’s tough. Some days I felt like there isn’t enough booze in the world to deal with this. Some days I had worse thoughts.
But they passed.
I will say I was also having depression. Being a dad brought up a lot of issues from my own childhood that I had never dealt with before, and perhaps wouldn’t have if I hadn’t become a parent myself. I did try therapy.
Now I have teenagers. How I wish they were 7 again!
Tell him to try contraception. It’s fantastic stuff.
I would suggest a book called ‘The Whole Brain Child’. It’s great at explaining brain development and age appropriate behaviours. That might be helpful for him if he understands what your kid is going through development wise and why that behaviour is happening now.
Do you ever take the time to give your husband positive reinforcement or praise? Do you criticize his parenting skills?
Sounds like he’s resentful, but is it solely what he says it is?