I (29F) have been working closely with 48F for the past year. Our job is remote so we never met in person until Feb of this year when we had a training together. There were instant sparks between us although I wouldn’t say either of us really flirted with the other.
After that, we went home to our respective cities and continued working together as normal but I started to feel romantic tension between us. I really like her but didn’t think this should be acted on because (1) we work together, (2) significant age gap, (3) live opposite ends of the country. I decided I should be a mature adult and move on from this.
I started to feel she was beginning to pursue me (texting about silly things outside work hours, scheduling unnecessary one-on-ones, talking about her personal life much more than before) and I got nervous and pulled back. I’m not proud of how I handled it – I was very cold, as close to rude as one can be while remaining professional – but it was effective; she quickly got the hint. Things were incredibly awkward and tense between us for a while but over time of continuing to have to work together it has normalized. Our relationship now is polite and professional but distant. We are both clearly avoiding each other and trying to minimize the amount of work we do together, which is hard because our roles are very much interlinked.
So this happened around April, and since then I’ve been feeling pretty miserable. It’s hard having to see someone you’re crazy about every day but not being able to act on it or say anything. I’ve decided I do want to take a chance with this woman. Yes, dating colleagues is a terrible idea, but at this point I feel like I might have to change roles anyway because of this issue, so why not take a chance? I don’t remember ever feeling this much instant sparks and chemistry with anyone. I think very highly of her as a person and a professional. I was being a coward before but after several months of reflection I’ve realized I’d like to take a chance.
I’m wondering how I should approach it. Our relationship now is as distant as it can be in this context. We have cancelled our one-on-ones. There is zero chance of just casually striking up a conversation because our work is remote so I would have to schedule time with her. And then what? I’ve never been very good at flirting. My approach is usually, if I like someone and have reasonable suspicion they feel the same (I’m good at judging these things), I find an excuse to hang out and then blurt out that I like them. But I feel like I can’t do that with a colleague. Do I schedule a one-on-one with her and ask to have a personal discussion off-the-record? What is the best way to approach this?
And even if it turns out it’s too late, she lost interest, also decided it was not a good idea, whatever, I still do want to apologize for my coldness and rudeness at the time. I got nervous and didn’t handle it well. We had always gotten along and I could tell that I really hurt her feelings. There is a nice way to reject someone and a not-nice way, and I picked the wrong one. I’d like to say I’m sorry for being unkind and hurtful.
I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
TLDR; rejected a colleague because I didn’t think it was a good idea to date someone you work with. Have since decided that I would like to take a chance but our relationship now is very distant. How to approach it?
12 comments
If you insist on pursuing her, it would be wise to change jobs first and then initiate conversations about possibly dating once a new job is locked in. Otherwise, I strongly advise against it.
I would continue as you are now. No good will come of dating a colleague, plus your age gap is quite large. I believe that a large age gap can work, but you have three obstacles (work/ages/distance) to overcome immediately upon engaging in a relationship with her.
I agree with /u/Fearless-Echo-715, leave your current job, then reach out to her and see what happens.
come on, don’t just find a new job unless you want one. you really said it all so well in your post here. you chose to say no in a way that was cold and wrong and you want to apologize. you also miss your interaction and think about her a lot. you should tell her that. she may well turn you down, but at least you will have told her that she deserved better. it is the one thing you need to do, tell her you were an ass and that you are sorry. everything else will grow or not grow from her response.
Hi OP,
This is tricky. I think what I would do is be a bit surreptitious about it. Go ahead and tell her you have missed working with her more closely and find an excuse to set up a one-on-one, then ask her a personal (not too invasive, small-talk esque) question. Just be friendly. You can apologize if you came across as cold and say you had some stuff going on that you were working through and you regret being rude, but that you really enjoyed your chats with her before. Basically, indicate interest but don’t *say* it. See if she is receptive. If she’s not, then back off and let it go. Since she was leading before, if she’s still interested, she might pick it back up and then give you an opening. But because she is a colleague, I would tread very carefully so you don’t accidentally make her uncomfortable in a way that would necessitate HR getting involved. Just drop hints a couple of times and watch her reaction and be prepared to back the eff off if it goes poorly.
I don’t believe in any of these hard lines such as “you should never date anyone from work,” just make sure you understand the consequences and can accept them, and understand that your affections may not be reciprocated at this stage.
I may go against the grain here, but I’ll always prefer to try and fail, than not to try. Yes, age difference, location and work speak against this, but that spark you have trumps all that. Is that sound advice? Maybe not, but that really depends on you, doesn’t it?
If I were you, I’d be honest and open about this. Tell her (or write her) why you did what you did. Tell her about your anxieties, apologize, be vulnerable. Let her pick up the pieces if she wants.
You can make this right. Reset it. At least from your side and then… embrace the love or the pain that results from it ❤️
Hello hello! I think all of the advice in this thread so far are sound perspectives. I think it really depends on what you’re hoping as the outcome. I think a slow and steady would be a good approach if you wanted to foster back your working relationship, but at the same time, positioning yourself as a work colleague might lead you back to the first obstacle of “dating coworkers is messy and complicated.” If I were you, I’d just take the upfront approach. You’re already VERY low contact, I personally would just come clean – message on a non-work platform/hour and then just confess the truth – you felt overwhelmed and conflicted due to the circumstance and wasn’t sure if you were reading it right, but now would love to set apart some time to reconnect/catch up OR at the very least return to a cordial working relationship. She took the risk the first time reaching out, I think it’s fair you take the second.
Regardless, it sounds as if you’ve already rationalized a confrontation, and if friendship/romance can’t be won, the apology might be the closure you need. Your post is, if anything, alarmingly (and almost a tad romantically) sincere on a literary level. Best of luck to you and remember that if anything, it’s a conclusion.
PS If anyone can survive long distance it’s WLW couples – I have the data from many friends to back it up. Plus, after reading your post, I’m sure you write a mean love letter/email. Cheers!
I suspect your brain is doing that thing it always does when you make a good decision about a relationship situation–set you up to fail by moping about how loooooooooonely we are and we neeeeeeeeed this relationship or we’ll just die. Just die!
It’s the fact that something was on offer that seemed shiny even though your intelligence told you it was a bad, bad, bad, bad idea.
Stick to your guns and go looking for friends/romantic partners in your local area to shut up your stupid brain. Starting a new hobby worked for me.
OP, I totally get the crush thing. I am a hopeless romantic myself. Unfortunately his situation has literally *everything* going against it:
* This is such a difference in age that I am hesitant to simply call it an “age gap”. You guys are in fundamentally different chapters of your life. I know it’s tempting to discount this since you technically work together, but the fact that you are colleagues is likely all or most of what you have in common at 29 and 48.
* You live on opposite ends of the country. It would be one thing if there was simply an hour of distance or so, where the trip would be kind of a pain, but you could still justify it for the sake of love. Sadly, in this situation, it’s a lengthy plane ride both ways every single time. Seeing her at all will cost hundreds of dollars, if not thousands.
* There are serious professional ramifications to consider regarding this situation. Yes, others have mentioned you can simply quit and roll the dice. However, this is your livelihood. If this was the *only* thing going against the possible relationship here, I’d say rolling the dice was more reasonable, but as part of the already huge pile, I’m not so sure.
* You’re not going to want to hear this, but the events you’ve described in this post strike me as simply positive interactions with someone that you have chosen to interpret as signs of romantic interest. You even admit there was no flirting. So, there may not actually be anything here.
* It’s ugly to have to bring this up, but given her age (48 doesn’t guarantee someone is bigoted, but it is around the minimum age where I start to expect it in people), if you have indeed misread those signals… things could get hairy. So even if you ignore everything else I’ve said, *be careful!*
Just keep in mind that you could go on a dating app right now and meet some people where the obstacles are considerably more mundane. Like, “they have a slightly dippy haircut” or “I’m not as into opera as them”.
Honestly just tell her you know you’ve been a little bit rude to her over the past few months and ask her for the opportunity to meet and explain why. And let her know that if she isn’t open to that you totally understand and move on.
Hey op, I’m going to just brush past what other people have mentioned and just say if you are going to contact her I would straight out tell her what you said here, you started to get feelings, was worried it was a bad idea because of colleague relationship and distance so you pulled back to try set professional boundaries but you’re aware you did it very abruptly and didn’t mean to come across cold, but that you’ve had time to think things over and would like to see what she thinks about the whole situation/ if the feeling is mutual because you still have feelings and feel they are worth pursuing
Eh, maybe this sounds crazy, but get on a plane. Tell her it’s weird you two never actually see each other in person and you should get after work drinks some time, she’ll laugh and you’ll say no seriously, I’ve never been to x city, are you free next weekend? Grand gestures. It could epically fail, and normally I would say steer as clear as possible, but I have a good feeling about this.
Pretend you’re going to see a friend in her town and ask to meet/hang out. See what happens when you’re actually in person.