This is a follow up from a post which was in itself a follow up.
Confused – is this a definite “no interested”? from datingoverthirty
To summarise, we matched in January, this person treats me well when we are out on dates, we have been intimate a couple of times. His schedule is busy and he travels very often. He is sometimes slow with communication and sometimes chats fast in real time, but most importantly, he goes long periods without communication. E.g. between 2nd and 3rd date he said “I hope you will not have forgotten by the time I come back” and that was because of multiple trips that took together a couple of weeks, and most recently, he said his parents will be in town for 10 days, and he didn’t text me throughout this time, but texted me exactly on the day they left (that was a couple of days ago, Tuesday). We chatted very briefly, because I was sad and tired (my friend was also visiting and she left on the same day), so I told him I will catch him tomorrow, he said sure and wished me a good night. I texted him something non-urgent, and now, 24 hours later, he still hasn’t replied I think he may not until some time, it is difficult to predict. (If he replies at all, of course). I was thinking of raising communication in person, but I am now considering sending him this:
Xxx, I wanted to share something and I know text is not the best, because texts are often misinterpreted , but I hope you will understand me.
I can see that texting is not a priority for you, as you have other things going on and I have noticed that you still make an effort to reply, even if it sometimes takes a bit of time, I honestly appreciate that.
Sometimes I feel like I am placing an obligation on you when I text and I don’t want to feel this way, I hope for communication to feel natural and be pleasant for both people.
If you are up for it, I’d be happy to chat about it in person, as that is always easier, I think that would be good for me.”
I am thinking of doing it for my own peace of mind instead of waiting to see him in person to get it off my chest
[Edit] Okay, than what about this:
Xxx, I wanted to let you know my thoughts and am hoping you will understand me.
I like you, I think that is clear for you to see as well. You seem like you have a lot going on with your work, I have never been in that situation, but I am sure it is not easy to manage.
The way we communicate leaves me a bit confused sometimes, eg there are quite a few pauses in between. This can mean that communication for you is not a priority which can be understandable with a busy life, but it could also be a sign of lack or mismatch in interest. I am willing to understand your position and would appreciate if we can have a chat about it.
Please, understand that my intention is to be kind, I know everybody is carrying their own burden and I ask you if we can be honest about this, it is nothing worrisome or scary, it will be just help me a lot. 😊
24 comments
Move on, 10 days and no texts cos his parents are in town?
Put your efforts elsewhere, you deserve better.
What is his goal in spending time with you? Have you talked about that? What did you text him thay he didn’t reply to?
If someone is really interested in you, they will never not get in touch for 10 days. So sure, you can communicate your needs and preferences to him, but it won’t change the fact that he’s just not that interested. I’d bounce.
What’s your aim here? To get him to communicate more frequently? Because you don’t mention that at all in your draft message. If anything, your message sounds like you’re letting him know he can reply even less by saying you don’t want to place an “obligation” on him.
It’s totally fine for you to have communication needs. You need to figure out if he can meet those needs, or you’ll be perpetually disappointed as long as you’re with this guy.
Your text is way too vague. It’s not clear what you’re asking him to do. It’s not even clear what you’re asking him to talk about later. Just save time and say what you want and see if he’s willing to meet expectations. If you want to talk about it in person save the convo for in person.
I’m not sure why you’d send what you’re planning to send. You’re not communicating anything other than you seem to understand he gets busy and you don’t want to make him feel obligated to text. So how does that help you??
I’m assuming you want him to text you more often, so tell him that. “Hey, I’ve really been enjoying the past few months spending time with you and getting to know you, but I’ll be honest, it makes me feel like you’re not that interested in me when you take multiple days to respond to my texts.” Then go from there.
Seems like a fairly valid expectation to be replied to sooner than a few days, even when someone is busy with their life.
Some people think they want a relationship but what they really want is a good time companion that they only see and talk to when it suits them.
I had this myself with a ldr .. everything was great when i visited once a week .. the rest of the time i got the bare minimum check ins. This is not a relationship I was really just a weekend toyboy.
You deserve to have your needs met.. if they can’t meet them move on.
“Busy” is an excuse for *maybe* a day of not being able to text.
Not even sparing a single minute for a text in 10 days isn’t “busy”. 10 days seems like “you’re a fun distraction when I’m bored”.
Are you happy being his distraction?
And while it’s possible that he does care a lot about you, and is just really bad at texting, he needs to know and respect the way his lack of communication makes *you* feel.
Yeah so I’ve dated a bunch of guys where they aren’t in the same location as myself and somehow they are able to keep up communication with me. You know what travel for work means? Sitting around hotel rooms in between engagements and being lonely. And then he says nothing for 10 days while his parents are in town? I’m sorry but no one is that busy or that bad at texting to make that make sense in the context of the honeymoon period of dating.
I know I’m quick to hit eject and sure you can communicate your needs with him however he’s showing you who he is these past months. This is when people are THE MOST interested in getting to know someone promising for a relationship. He’s showing you his interest level is “when it’s convenient for me”. And he might give you a little more texting but chances are he’ll fall away in no time because his interest level is set at leave you cold for 10 days
Sounds relatively unavailable
Sounds married to me
From what I see, you’re getting crumbs, and you want the whole cookie, the choice seems to be in your hands as to what YOU want. And the best way to get that is to communicate your needs with your partner /potential partner.
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago, and was very afraid of being straightforward and communicating my expectations and needs. I told myself every single thing that you tell yourself, e.g. he worked on a demanding job, he prioritized family times and he was not a good texter…etc. All because it’s so hard to meet someone good and I didn’t want to “lose him”. In the end, all my compromises led to enormous unhappiness and obviously, he was never mine to lose — I was slow faded after 4 months.
Wish you good luck communicating your needs, either via texts or in person. It takes lots of courage and don’t let his response affect your self worth 🙂
What if he is interested in you but this all he can/will give you? It might be worth keeping that as an outcome in mind and considering how you’ll treat the situation.
10 days no text is a really really long time, when me and my current partner were just in the dating phase the absolute max was 3 days and he’s a TERRIBLE texter and was working nights. I travel quite significantly for work, and my partner travels a lot as well, text don’t care about location. You need to understand what the goals are or the relationship before you talk about communication needs.
Yeah no- I can only tell you what I think and what I would do….
So with men- I have a general rule of thumb. I place no demands on them. Ever.
Stupid things like text , social media communication or connection – phone calls – all of that is meaningless –
The thing is… none of that is really your truth. You’re trying to explain your truth using some bullshit excuse – to put him in a position to be what you want him to be- or get what you want out of this situation with him, which is obviously more time and attention.
So … be very very careful now- because if you truly care about this person and enjoy the time you spend with him- it’s vital now that you don’t push. And if you’re going to say something – make sure it is your truth, because we don’t lie to people we respect. We don’t play little games with men.
I would erase that entire thing. I would not send him any communication on text or phone and wait for him to contact you.
You don’t need him.
When you do see him again- that’s when I would tell him to his face – and I would say, something like –
“ I want to spend more time with you. I miss you when you’re gone. I love being around you… and I was wondering if this would be alright with you.”
Simple. To the point. Ex out all the bullshit manipulation. Purity of thought, feeling and mind. Offer humility, instead of pride.
And then accept his answer. Believe him. And don’t get mad at him for his answer. He has every right to be who he is and feel what he wants and just because you like him doesn’t mean he has to feel the same way.
So let him be who he is.
Then you have a choice- if he doesn’t change and doesn’t spend more time with you and it bothers you? Instead of getting angry with him, or trying to manipulate him into more time with you or play games or any of that bullshit-
Always maintain your dignity with love/ men.
Instead of all that negative bullshit- just make a choice and the choice is based on-
This man- who he is and the choices he makes with me, does not bring out the best in me. And before I allow myself to behave in a way that’s beneath me- I need to leave him alone.
You send him a text that says –
I don’t want to do this anymore with you. I just think I can’t really treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Thank you for the time you did spend with me though.
Done. Move on to the next one.
That sounds like a letter from a therapist or a business partner…
After reading through your posts and imagining myself being busy here is what I’d hope to get from you:
> Hey Xxx, hope you’re having a good afternoon. I need a little connection. Can you send me messages when you think of me today? [silly gif]
Then see how it goes. He might say he can’t. He might start a meme war. He might not respond at all. He might send simple “thinking of you” messages a few times. Give him the chance to respond to a simple request. It will show you where he’s at.
Save the deep talk for a phone call or face to face.
That will not work. He will not change. If he wanted to, he would.
You can try, but don’t get your hopes up.
I’m not sure where sending this actually gets you because the problem is not communication – it’s that he’s too busy to be in a real relationship. You’re intuitively sensing that but attributing the feelings to a much more gracious conclusion…perhaps in an attempt to justify continued investment in the relationship? From what you’ve stated, his MO is to occasionally meet up, have a nice time, and “be intimate” when it’s convenient, then disappear to almost complete radio silence when it’s not. Then, to make it worse, he says manipulative things like “I hope you will not have forgotten by the time I come back” as if his unavailability is some grand opportunity for a romantic gesture.
I know it’s a cliché response on reddit to say break up, but there’s literally a term for this in dating called “breadcrumbing” and it’s used by people whose subconscious or conscious intent is to keep you strung along and accessible while they either enjoy incredible independence in their life, or even to see other people (possibly even multiple other people).
Either way, I just don’t believe you’re “fixing” anything with your text message other than creating an opportunity for him to manipulate you further and “state his case” for how busy he is yet again. Of course it would be nice if he’d be honest about his intentions but you aren’t going to get that, most likely.
Honestly, I don’t think this is a text conversation. I understand you feel the need to get it off your chest, but neither of these come across well to me. It seems you are placing blame on him, instead of discussing what you need. And frankly, without knowing him, I don’t know how you can have this over text without the possibility of him seeing it that way.
What I’d decide is what you need. Because right now, you are being very vague. You say it leaves you confused, you say what the pauses can mean, but you don’t really say what you need. Why text him to say “lets have a chat about it”. Just bring it up. Hell, if you want to, next time you are texting, ask if he has time for a call and bring it up then. But I really would not recommend broaching this topic of communication via a medium that often leads to miscommunication.
But have a face to fact, or at least phone or face time conversation. Tell him what you need, and let him decide if he can meet those things. But I don’t even know if you know what you need, you just know this isn’t working. But you need to know what will work in order to have him try to do that for you
If you want more communication this guy isn’t for you. He doesn’t seem like a relationship type either
OP you should join r/AnxiousAttachment and probably even r/AvoidantAttachment.
I have a secure attachment style but am seeing someone with a detached/avoidant attachment style much like your boyfriend, and it causes me to get anxious and toe into an anxious attachment mode. I believe it was caused by his unemotional family, because he is very empathetic but struggles to communicate frequently enough to make me feel secure.
The avoidant sub helps you understand these folks and how they struggle, whereas the Anxious sub is for people dealing with them. Those subs help to understand these types of people better. Good luck! It takes a lot of self confidence and self-love to love these types of people. In the end it is because they need to learn that they are deserving of love, and once you see that you can handle them much better in my experience. Many of us “older” folks have been through a lot of heartache and trauma.
Honestly it sounds like he has a wife or another family/girlfriend and he isn’t talking with you when he’s with them.
I’ve had a similar issue with my current partner, although not to that extreme.
In person everything’s was always great, and I’ve had zero issues, I like our conversations, I like how we spend time together and he’s very affectionate.
Over text however, he was very ‘matter of fact’ and we never actually had conversations, he would text me something, and even if he’s online when I reply, it would stop there and he’d come back to me a few hours later. We did text daily, but it was always fragmented and felt really dry.
Since we only saw each other about once a week during that period, it made me start feeling after some time that he’s not into me, and I should move on, which of course wasn’t true – that’s just HIS communication style and he’s been doing a lot on his side to show me he’s interested, he’s just not a Texter.
The last time i saw him in person before we talked about it I mentioned it would be nice if we spoke on the phone more since we’re only meeting once a week and he agreed.
On the first phone call we did, I mentioned it to him. I explained that although I really enjoy spending time with him in person and find him so very wonderful to be around, the fact that our communication over text the rest of the time feels so dry and lacking in playfulness and flirting, and doesn’t ever feel like we’re actually communicating makes my brain keep telling me this isn’t working, and that I should move on. It’s of no fault of his own, as I recognised we are just different in our communication styles and that I just wanted him to understand my side. I also suggested we do more phone calls as those worked really well for us (we had a phone date once when I had to cancel a real life one when I had covid) and he was so great. He got it as feedback, didn’t get defensive or anything, said he understood, and since that conversation he’s been a lot warmer and more communicative, and we’ve been able to see each other more often or schedule calls in between.
The best way in my personal opinion to approach a subject is to explain clearly with no judgment what behaviour is causing your feelings, what exactly are you feeling and what need of yours isn’t being met due to that behaviour (the need for clear communication, the need to feel connected) and then make a request that would fulfil your need. I was really lucky because having that conversation with my partner made me realise he’s happy to make small changes to accommodate my needs, and now I feel a lot more secure in this. I know that if anything comes up I can talk about it. And I’ve reiterated both thing to him after – how good I felt that he’s so open and understanding and how great is felt to feel he cares about my needs, and that if anything happens in the future on his side, I’d like him to be able to talk to me as I’ll do the same for him.