Hey guys so I met a guy online dating about a month ago. We had a good first date and he was constantly texting me everyday showing interest but neither of us initiated the second date. Fast forward 3 weeks and he texted again and basically I went ahead and asked him for coffee. He agreed and we met up and had a nice time.
He still is texting a lot and just having fun conversations over text. He texts back right away and I never have to wait long. I ended up asking him to come over last week and we cuddled, laughed, talked, drank some and we slept together. He stayed the night. We did it again a couple days after on Friday with me initiating him to hang out. He’s really affectionate and cuddly. We were glued to eachother. H kept saying how cute and hot I am. I want him to initiate now bc I’ve initiated the last 3 hangouts.
He’s still texting me morning and goodnight everyday and sending me pics of his meals or things that happen. but I’m getting tired of only texting me and not planning dates. It’s been about 5 days since our last hangout. I told him I wanted to go bowling or do something fun when we were together.
He hasn’t planned anything and it’s Wednesday and the weekend is coming up. He also lives 2 miles down the road from me So distance isn’t an issue. Can someone please give advice? I do like him I’m just frustrated with his lack of initiative. Is he just not that into me?
Update: he texted saying he is into me and was just waiting on the weekend to plan things since he said during the work week it’s harder so everyone who said let him know how you feel were right!! Thank you
44 comments
Create some space for him to step up. You’ve initiated thrice, so you guided him a bit by telling him what you want to do, give him space to do it. Don’t text often/stay busy until he steps up. Thus far he hasn’t had to work at all to be with you. You need to be ready to walk away if he’s not willing to put in effort.
Communicate your needs and desires clearly. No hinting. Men as a group are clueless. (Hubby)
What is his age? And did his profile hint to looking for something casual, serious, unsure? Reason I ask is because if he is on the younger end he may need direction. It still might be that he is just not that interested but if you really like him I think it is worth a shot to clearly explain to him what you need. If he is an older gentlemen I would agree with ahyupp927. Gradually give space, play it off as if you are busy, see if he steps up his game. If he does not you know where you stand. No amount of explanation regarding your needs will help.
It seems like he is definitely in that space. Good luck! Keep us updated!
If having sex too soon seems like it “ruined” things, that’s all he cared about anyway.
I never felt like having sex too soon ruined anyone I was interested in. Kinda the opposite, tbh.
So I recently ended a relationship for something similar. I felt like I was the one pulling all the weight and putting in the effort. I kept putting off the conversation of “hey, my needs aren’t really getting met” (because ultimately that is what’s going on here). I was afraid of the outcome of such a conversation. But it would have saved me so much time and energy to just have the conversation from the outset. He may say “yeah, this isn’t working..” and it will suck. But you can officially move on. Ultimately my situation ended because he wasn’t willing to put in the effort I, honestly, deserve. Look out for you and get your needs met!
So far he hasn’t had to work or out in an effort to be with you . So stop contacting him as often take longer to reply. You have been chasing him. Switch the role around. Make yourself more “valuable”by being less “available “
Letting you initiate sometimes is fine, but apparently expecting you to do it every time is odd behaviour that suggests he isn’t taking his time with you very seriously. It’s all come a bit too easily to him. He hasn’t had to make much of an effort. I agree with the replies that suggest our best course of action now is to step back and create some space. The ball is now very much in his court
Date somebody who is more what you are looking for instead of holding out for somebody who isn’t to change?
It’s Wednesday. Maybe it’s been a busy week at work for him. Sometimes it’s better to plan things no more than one or two days in advance just in case something comes up. It also doesn’t seem like you guys know each other that well yet. If that’s the case, how is he supposed to know what you had in mind for when you guys hang out? What you also need to be mindful of is that guys don’t want to be seen as clingy or desperate which means that what you think is a lack of interest is really them just proceeding with caution.
I think he needs time to make a concrete decision on the direction of your relationship. Just relax, he will definitely get in touch
I’m just gonna cut it short for you that means he doesn’t care about you and if he really wanted you he would plan stuff therefore drop him
Just be transparent with him, tell him you enjoy spending time with and that you would like for him to plan a few dates. Some guys need to told point blank to be honest. He might be inexperienced in planning dates or taking initiative. Best of luck
You might also be overthinking a very new relationship – take your time. Who cares who initiates what?
I had sex with my now boyfriend on our first “date” (not really a date) and now we’re still together 6months later. Sex shouldn’t ruined anything if anything it should bring you closer.
One thing I’ve learned is always ask what the guy’s intentions are. Or what’s he’s looking for. Also, having sex too soon doesn’t matter if the connection was real. It wouldn’t make a guy lose interest.
Open and direct communication is what works best in any relationship. As much as women think they will have their minds read by men, it will never happen.
Plus expectation is the mother of all disappointment.
Express your needs from your heart, not as criticism since men are super sensitive to it, but as an invitation for him to step up.
Having needs makes you human, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. It’s great if the other person is willing to meet them. Also if he can’t meet them, it’s fine too, at least you will know and you can move on to the next person who can.
It’s like a cheat code when you know deep down that you cannot mess up anything that is meant for you.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I hate to say it, but if he wanted to, he would. I drive 30 minutes one way to pick up my girlfriend and bring her back to my place because she has no mode of transportation currently, ever since meeting her i have done this. Fall back and see how he reacts, if it dies out, let it be. If he ends up texting you and showing effort soon after, i say continue seeing if his efforts change. But for now, go do something fun with your friends. Hope this helps
I can tell you from a male perspective. If he was constantly texting you before sleeping together and now he’s showing less interest, that’s probably what he was after. If he starts again being interested like he was before then it means he was just focused on other things for a bit and now he’s back to himself. I never go after anyone just to sleep with them but I’ve been in positions to, where I wasn’t interested in a relationship but wanted them sexually, I scrapped that idea because I genuinely can’t hurt someone like that.
You planned several dates, you had sex several times and he still doesn’t reach out to plan anything so I don’t think it’s a good sign.
I would let him contact me and plan something, if not he’s going to waste your time. Of course he’ll say yes if you propose to meet and have sex but you want more so stop.
Just talk to him. Express your concerns to him and not Reddit.
Try being blunt and opening lines of communication. Maybe he is just a bit shy, or clueless when it comes to dating. If not, then his response in addition to his actions should reveal his intentions. Good luck!
>Did I ruin it by having sex too soon?
If someone is into you, they’re gonna be into you. The timeline for sex won’t matter. Stop thinking in terms of making the right move, and think more along questioning if this is the right person for you. Don’t overanalyze the small stuff, and zoom out
Some people, and maybe its more typically guys, are just not planning people. Maybe adding some humor and gentle prodding to take you out sometime for something fun together is the next move, rather than chalking it up to simply sex.
Don’t give a man more than he gives you. Let him lead of not, fall off.
It honestly seems like he’s just happy to text you and hang out whenever you want. He also might not want to be pushy. Either way you gotta just be upfront with him and tell him you want him to initiate more, nothing else will effect his behavior
If he’s constantly texting you then he’s into you. Just tell him how you feel. I would bet he’ll initiate things.
He may be nervous about being pushy or feels like he may come off to clingy.
Just going to add to the sea:
Just tell him you want him to plan a hangout since you feel like you’ve done it the past few times. If he doesn’t, he’s either not into you or like one of those people that get stressed out trying to plan something because they think they’re going to screwed up with the person.
That and some people honestly don’t want to plan things, or they think that things will just kind of happen because it does for them. And what I mean by that is on Friday he can decide what he’s going to do and not have to plan for anything rather than plan on Monday for the next weekend.
Meaning do you go into the grocery store with a list or do you just kind of go off your head? There’s tons of different people and tons of different in betweens
And additionally, you don’t know how busy anyone is, but in the dating scene it seems like if somebody’s not giving you all their time then they might be shopping around
Why is it so impossible for some people to just tell the other person what they want. Want him to show some initiative? Just let him know. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, move on. Simple.
From a guys perspective, he may just not be good at initiating plans.
I’ve been with my partner for almost a year, and I’m self-aware of how poor I am at arranging things. I’m not a good ‘planner’ pursay, and improvise instead. Take when me and my partner went shopping, and then I got the urge to do some mini-golf, as it was available at the shopping center we were at. My partner loved the idea and we had a great time, but I never would have planned that.
Additionally, early on, he may be nervous or stuck in his own head about how to ask you.
Ultimately, you may just wish to speak with him about it. We spoke about it early in the relationship, how she also felt she was making the plans, and I explained my side too. You guys should do the same, even if it’s early on.
Sounds like he likes you. Give him a little space to think about things, and don’t be clingy or needy.
Sometimes guys may just be allowing you to make the plans bc that’s what he may feel like is good and convenient for you. He also may be scared to make plans bc he’s nervous you may not have a good time with what he chooses.
He just wants you as someone to text and someone to hang out when he’s horny. Please realize your worth and not deal with this low effort man.
You could literally just ask for a date…it doesn’t have to be the man
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If you take sex out of the equation all together (by that I mean, don’t consider it a factor at all), someone people will flake on you regardless on when sex happens. It could be on the first date, it could be on the 10th date. People will flake when they want to flake, I don’t think people usually consider sunk cost or anything.
I personally have experienced the longest relationships when sex came early. When we ended up doing it had no factor on if I wanted to continue seeing the person or not. I wouldn’t think too much about it honestly.
I think waiting to have sex can help weed out the people who only want to use you. Sure there are people who have sex immediately and everything works out fine for them. But they are the exception, not the rule. Also if they are for you, waiting won’t be a problem. Remember that love is patient and lust is greedy.
No such thing. If he were actually into you, he’d initiate. But he doesn’t. It’s not that hard.
why navigate like a casual cool girl (coffee dates, home invites and sex early on, initiating most things) when you really want something serious? the makings of finding a relationship where you’re treated right and cherished starts when you maintain an abundance mindset and prioritize valuing effort and actions over words.
move on, honestly. I know you like him but there’s so many other options out there for you to be hung up on, confronting and essentially giving a second chance to just a couple weeks into dating. they never leave room for confusion when they’re truly interested.
Ugh this post reeks of desperation
Actions over words, he’s not that into you and probably just wants sex
Tbh, planning dates in the modern world has lots of pressure. I understand he needs sometimes to prepare
Glad to see the positive update! My insight was just gonna be that he was probably waiting until the weekend or just waiting to see if you’d initiate another date. Some guys do that now to make sure the relationship doesn’t potentially start off on the wrong foot where he’s the only one initiating dates going forward.