I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years. We have an almost 2 year old and I’m pregnant with our second. He is someone who is not open to therapy. I’ve tried for years to convince him, and he went with me once early on the relationship. I suffered terrible grief due to a loss of a loved one and our relationship struggled to weather the storm of that loss. He was not interested in continuing.
I’ve been in therapy for years to stay healthy but the cornerstone of my stress has been my marriage. My husband doesn’t know how to communicate, gets angry at me if I bring up concerns and I’m a rather emotional/sensitive person so if I react emotionally, he gets annoyed and walks away. I’ve been working on that with mindfulness and CBT.
My therapist tells me my husband has low emotional intelligence, and I can’t put a lot of value into what he says. It is not unheard of that he will tell me to shut up repeatedly. My husband lashed out to his sister in front of my child, nieces. Everyone was crying, and he threw a big tantrum and said he was not coming on a planned trip. I tried to talk to him how not appropriate the behavior was and he needs to apologize, but told me to shut up. He continued to scream at me in the car in front of our child. If it’s not clear, respect is another issue..
During this pregnancy, he finds it annoying when I tell him I’m tired or nauseous. I feel very alone in this journey. I manage the best I can. I work full time and try to be as present as I can for our daughter.
There’s no accountability or remorse for his actions. I want to be a good mother, teach my child good values and respect and kindness. My husband is making it hard.
I started writing my husband emails at the suggestion of my therapist in hopes he will better understand my perspective. However, he makes it clear he will not read them.
What do I do? How do I go from here? Is there any hope in salvaging marriage? I don’t want to divorce, but I am at a loss.
TL;Dr: my husband is making it impossible to work on our marriage, i am not sure how to proceed.
41 comments
Think of what you’re teaching your kid by staying with your abuser.
Why would you bring yet another child into this disaster of a household? Your husband is cold and abusive and refuses to change. Why would you do that to another child?
I think you need to end things. He is not going to change and you need a safe and loving home for your children.
You can’t salvage a marriage all on your own. If he’s not willing to do what he needs to do, then it can’t be fixed. It’s a tough decision, but you and your children deserve to be in an environment where you’re not going to be yelled at repeatedly.
If you want to be a good mother stop having kids with this asshat and take your children as far from him as you’re legally able to. Staying with him automatically means you’ve failed as a parent, which is impressive since you haven’t even given birth to one of them yet.
Don’t take this lightly.
Do you want this man to be the male role mode for your kids?
Why do you stay with a man you’re so not compatible with? The sunk cost fallacy is strong with you.
This is your life, OP. This is it. Married to an emotionally abusive and very out of touch man. And continuously breeding with him, no less.
Think of what YOU want. And go after THAT. I’m sorry but you married the wrong man for you. Millions are in your shoes. Don’t let the very short years of your life pass you by while you stay in such a horrid marriage for you. You live once. Your kids are small for only a few short years.
Time to realize you’ve made a mistake and start to take steps to be a happier version of you.
> Is there any hope in salvaging marriage?
No. Your husband is who he is and he’s clearly not interested in changing.
Sounds like he’s a piece of shit and a waste of time to consider working on anything involving him.
What’s worth saving here? What do you get compared to what you give? You need to know that before you try to save it for the sake of saving it.
You say you don’t want to divorce, but I’m wondering what it is you’re clinging to. What is it about your husband that makes you want to *stay* in this marriage? Things that can actually be attributed to him *as a person*, and not just to the circumstances of your lifestyle or the logistical difficulties of ending a marriage?
Because *wanting* to be married to someone is very different from *not* wanting to go through a divorce.
He sounds insufferable. Seriously, you’re already having to act as a single mother, but with the added stress of being verbally and emotionally abused. You will be so much better off without him.
Leaving is the most dangerous part of abusive relationships. Be careful, talk to your family and friends to make a clean exit plan, and then file for divorce.
You’re being abused. However, you also need to step up and realize this behavior is not going to change and you were incredibly foolish to keep bringing children into a broken family since you already knew he was like that.
Do your kids and yourself a favor and leave, try to minimize contact between them and their father as well. Perhaps by gathering evidence of his emotional abuse for potential court cases.
Why are you with this man? Low emotional intelligence on his part is an excuse for shitty behavior.
I think you are at the end of the changes and accommodations that you can make on your own. If he has no interest I saving the marriage, then I don’t think it can be saved. Have you told him that I so many words? Baldly told him that your marriage is coming to an end?
He has literally no interest in being a useful person. All he wants is for your life to revolve around him and to not be bothered with any problems. This is what you get it you try to stay with him.
Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly? You’re not too sensitive, he is emotionally/verbally abusive to you and will be to your children too!
He is not going to change. You going to therapy will not make him change, because he is the problem. You know he’s the problem. This is how he will always be, because he will not even consider trying to change.
Make a plan and leave. Also, before you go, document his treatment of you, so you can use it when you divorce him, because you want your children to spend as little time with him as possible, because he is abusive. The way he treats you, he will treat them.
He is a toxic individual that knows you won’t do anything about it.
I would surprise him with a set of divorce papers.
Why did you marry, procreate, and procreate AGAIN with this man?
This is who he is. Take it or leave it.
Was he like this when you met him? before you had a child? if so, why would you continue dating him?
if not, did he change while you were pregnant?
I think its important to understand if he was like this and you ignored it or if it was a change he made.
Therapy is not for everyone and I don’t believe it is that answer to everything. Even if commercials and PC deem it so lately. Some people just don’t need it. I have more and very clear reasons to be an absolutely broken person incapable of holding down a relationship, and yet I turned out pretty normal and more capable than most.
Your examples lack context so rather than judge them without the missing context I think its better to find out who he is to begin it.
Was he always like this?
If so, and if hes like me. In his situation I would find it a waste of time to drown myself in emotional weight that I don’t need.I might read and email a first time then refuse to waste my time if I felt it was just the same repetitive stuff.
Has your therapist met your husband?
Reddit often jumps to divorce quickly. But in this case you have tried therapy and he won’t engage with it. He demonstrates anger and a lack of empathy for you. This is not something that will provide a happy life for you and your children.
I think it’s ultimatum time: therapy or divorce. Take the kids to your family’s place for a weekend to underline the point.
If he can’t take responsibility for addressing his behaviour (and he is absolutely the problem here) then there’s no future between you.
A marriage should be a partnership, not an exhausting problem that adds to the complexity of raising children.
At some point the excuses have to end. Aren’t you tired of feeling drained and disrespected by the person who should have your back?
We hold onto the potential of someone so strongly that we can go through life completely disregarding whether or not they actually want to be the person you believe they can be. We tell ourselves they will be better, that we will make them better, but we never question why we have to be the ones to obligate ourselves to push them into doing something that comes so naturally to ourselves.
Stop questioning yourself while you know his actions are making you suffer. You know you deserve better and you have the rest of your life to explore that.
When someone doesn’t go to therapy when they need to, they almost always know they have a problem, they just believe they are hiding it well [they obviously are not – they never do], and are afraid people will think badly of them when they find out all their issues they believe are either embarrassing or they person will leave them if their secrets of failures are brought to the light, or they just plainly believe they are not or never the problem and therapy is for others. This kind of denial is the worst impediment for a partner who wants to make a positive change in a relationship.
When someone has a problem in their marriage and their partner will not participate in trying to help it, the best idea is to go to individual therapy [which you have done and I am proud of you], and have the therapist work with you to decide how best you can move forward. This may be by coming to the conclusion that you must leave your relationship because your partner will not work with you to try and improve the relationship, or come up with coping mechanisms that help you cope with the issues in your relationship that will make the behaviour of your partner acceptable to you. If you cannot see the later working, we must pick the former choice, to preserve our mental health.
Many times after a partner decides to leave a relationship because the other partner refuses to change, go to therapy, or what the fuck ever, the inflexible partner will suddenly say they will change and go to therapy. But they say it will either be in their own time or it is just another stalling tactic hoping you will stay without them doing anything. If it takes the threat of leaving for a person to say they will change, it is too late, and the probability that they will follow through is highly unlikely.
My personal option is that your relationship is over and you at this point are beating a dead horse expecting it to get up and walk. But I am not you and I do not know the nuances of what is going on.
Ok. Its time to realize the situation for what it is. Your husband is abusive and you continuing to be with him is showing your children that it’s ok to be treated like this. You need to leave. Like NOW.
Unfortunately if you have a bad marriage and your partner doesn’t want to work on it the chances of salvaging anything are super low. You can either stay in a bad situation or remove yourself from the situation.
I recommend removing yourself from the situation–there is a chance that will wake him up and make him realize how serious you are and what he stands to lose. If you just stay, there is close to zero chance that anything improves.
Having low emotional intelligence isn’t what’s causing your husbands behaviors. He lacks compassion, understanding, empathy and just basic love for you. He doesn’t seem interested or even acknowledging his anger issues and doesn’t seem bothered that it hurts you. He isn’t interested in you reaching out or working on the marriage. Whatever is going on with him is a him problem. Not a you problem and it’s not a marriage problem. until he wants to change and be better, it won’t happen, no matter how much you reach out or try. that being said, you need to tell him that you are considering divorce Bc of all the reasons you listed. Maybe that will be a wake up call for him to change. Try talking to him to see the cause of his behavior. Is it work stress, financial issues, being overwhelmed with the kids, etc. But if he doesn’t even care about divorce or talking about his issues, then it’s safe to assume he does not love you and does not want to be in the marriage.
A marriage is two people. You are in it, but he has made it clear that he is not since he isn’t willing to even try to work on the things that are breaking you apart. You cannot keep a marriage going by yourself. Do you really want your children growing up thinking that this is what relationships are supposed to be like?
divorce is not your choice, its his. theres nothing you can do as youve tried everything in the book and more.
abort, ask for divorce and move on, sorry.
If he’s screamed at you in front of your kids and refuses to work with you then that should absolutely be a deal breaker. If he can’t at least keep it together in front of your innocent children to avoid traumatizing them then the only way you can protect them is to separate from him. If the separation is a wake up call and he legitimately works on himself during your time apart then great, ease back into a relationship with the help of a therapist.
What is there to salvage here? You can’t *make* him be a better person. You admit he isn’t willing to work on himself…so how can he behave better? How can he gain empathy? He won’t even read your emails. He won’t even apologize for yelling and telling you to shut up. Again, you can’t wave a wand and magically make him better. He doesn’t even want to improve or be kind.
You don’t want a divorce…but what do you want? Do you want your kids to grow up in an environment where they think being yelled at is ok? Where it’s okay for a spouse to yell at their other spouse and to ignore when they’re in pain? Kids always pick up on this stuff. They model themselves from what they see.
Ffs you can’t even complain about being nauseous and he lashes out. That is extremely cruel behavior.
Do you really want to be the mom that was aware of her husband’s beastly behavior but did nothing to remove their children from it? Do you want them to think it’s fine for a woman to bend over backwards going to therapy and making adjustments to work around a man’s selfishness and unwarranted anger?
Come on…it’s kind of shocking that you haven’t realized you need to leave this guy after so many years of therapy. You keep trying to fix yourself thinking it will fix him when he doesn’t even try. You know what you must do you’re just in denial. Please think of your children and act accordingly.
Go to some subreddits about terrible parents like raised by narcissists and see how harmed some of these people are…how bitter they are that they had a parent like this and how it negatively affected them. Don’t subject your kids to that just because you “didn’t want to divorce.”
Is your embarrassment over a “failed” marriage worth your precious child being screamed at by this pathetic excuse for a father?
Yeah it’d be such a shame to divorce a totally worthless and abusive piece of shit, wouldn’t it. /s
What about when he starts yelling at your children? Telling them to shut up when they express emotions and concerns? Are you just going to stay silent and do nothing while he abuses your children as well? Putting up with his shit on your own is one thing, but allowing his actions to traumatize your children? That’s too far. If you care about your kids, you’ll do what’s best for them and leave this husk of a human. Your children deserve parents that love them and provide a healthy, safe environment; even if it’s only a single one.
There are no magic words you can say to fix this. Your husband is deeply uninterested in making this marriage successful. You cannot change that fact. There is not a different way to explain this to him. Go be happy, if not for your own sake, for your kids.
God, he sounds miserable. I know you don’t want a divorce but it takes two people to work on a relationship and he isn’t interested in working on it. Do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life? If not, I think you’d better get out. I know it’s tough to hear. It sucks that you’ll have to be a single mom. But unless you want to continuously let him treat you like crap, that’s what you’ll have to do.
edit: lots of other commenters have mentioned the importance of raising your kids in a positive environment. Your kids are literally going to be screwed up for life if you let them see your poor excuse for a husband treat you this way. It’s not just damaging to you but to them. Would you want them to grow up and marry someone like your husband? Feel the way you do every day? If not, LEAVE. Leave. Your husband is abusing you.
“he is someone who is not open to therapy” is the only sentence here.
I spent 3-5 years hoping he would change on that. I’m happier now, post divorce. Maybe you will be, too.
Can we call this what it is? He is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. You don’t have to stay in this relationship. This isn’t good for your babies either. Don’t normalize his behavior.
There is no hope of salvaging this marriage, and although you don’t want to divorce your husband, it would be the best thing you could do for both yourself and your children.
What you have described in this post is verbal abuse. If you stay with this man, your kids will grow up learning that this is OK in relationships, and they will either become perpetrators or victims of the same kind of abuse. Please, for their sakes, go see a lawyer and get started on divorce proceedings. Document with video or audio recordings every instance of his yelling and telling you to shut up from now on. It would probably be in the kids’ best interest for you to have primary custody so they aren’t as exposed to his abuse, and you’ll want to be able to make a good case for it. Take care.
Respect should never be an “issue” that needs work. If someone isn’t respecting you as a human they don’t deserve to share in your happiness.
You and your children do not deserve to be treated this way.
He’s abusing you and the rest of the family and clearly isn’t willing to change.
Sadly you cannot fix your marriage by yourself and continuing to try at this point is probably futile.
I can almost guarantee your lives will be better without him. I would recommend talking with your therapist about divorce and work on a plan together. There’s more to life than being with an abusive asshole. Sending you positive vibes and hoping things get better soon
Edit – it’s incredibly hard to leave an abusive spouse but you can do it, you are strong enough.
Your husband sounds awful. Awful to you and your child and awful in general. His lack of emotional intelligence is not something you can fix. Especially when he is clear that he’s not interested in it, not interested in your feelings, not interested in helping your marriage grow. What he doesn’t seem to realise is that he’s actively killing your marriage and your feelings for him instead.
It’s only a matter of time before this wears you down to the bone. It’s a common theme here in Reddit. Man is not actively respecting and growing a marriage/relationship. Woman is trying her best to fix the problem.
Omg girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! My ex is the exact same. They are unwilling to change… I wasted 7 years of my life. Don’t be like me. Be smarter and leave sooner please! If you stay he will continue to erode your sense of self, your confidence and your mental health. It will affect your children as well.
I’m here if you want to talk. I’m basically like an expert on this type of behavior now.
I’m an emotional and sensitive person as well. I have struggled with similar situations and thoughts like you have and one thing I want to say after reading several peoples two cents is that you should not blame yourself or feel guilty. It will hold you back. And while this is an emotional time it’s also the time to act not react. I learned from my own personal experiences that reacting on impulse of emotion always made the situation worse. I think you’re going in the right direction by trying to communicate and be mindful of your emotions and their reactions. I also think you need to do what feels right with you and no one else because no one else can walk through your shoes for you. Just be firm in whatever decision you decide to make. You can do this OP.