Idk what to do. I AM 21F AND A COLLEGE SENIOR WITH NO FRIENDS AND NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! SOCIAL ANXIETY IS RUINING MY LIFE! I don’t get it, I can talk to some people with ease but others I can’t talk to! IDK WHAT TO DO SOMEONE HELP! I NEED ADVICE! I’m in therapy for social anxiety but nothing helps. I CAN TALK TO SOME PEOPLE PERFECTLY BUT OTHERS I AM A MOUSE! ANY ADVICE???
34 comments
Why can’t you talk to the people you can’t talk to?
This may not make you feel better now but I was the same way and I am in my 40’s and I can say with 100% certainty it gets better. It is absolutely true the older you get the less you care about what other people think. Especially people you don’t know. I literally could care less what a random person thinks about me and if they judge me I could care less. This comes with age and I never thought I would feel this way but it gets easier
Get some medication, snri and ssri cocktail helped me. Get out every day and get some exercise and sunlight. Get some good headphones and run as fast as you can. It works
It’s going to be ok! You are not alone in this. Many people including myself have suffered from social anxiety and yes it does get better. I promise ❤️
When you feel that panicky dread and fearful feeling, observe it like it’s something separate from you. Just do that at first. Then, when you’re ready, be curious about it. Make friends with it, like it’s a frightened child. Ask why it’s afraid, ask what it needs. Ask if it’s safe and if not, why not?
Remember, our brains try to protect us from harm even when it leads to things like social anxiety. Be kind and compassionate to the parts of you that had been harmed and that is now scared.
I had bad social anxiety too, but it went away once I stopped putting people on a pedestal, thinking they were better than me. I noticed I couldn’t talk to certain people who I thought were better than me but once I stopped thinking that way I was able to talk to anyone. We are all human at the end of the day.
Really weird advice but a lot of my anxiety when I was young came from my insecurities so something that helped me was spotting minor imperfections in other people and thinking “they may feel the same anxiety about those imperfections as I feel about mine, but I don’t see it as a big deal on them, they’re people with fears and imperfections just like me.”
Anxiety is your mind sending false alerts of danger, it thinks something is wrong. You have to work to identify what could be setting off those alarms and tell yourself you’re in no danger, you are safe. These new people are normal people just like me, there’s no reason to fear them. They make mistakes just like me, it’s okay if you stutter or don’t say the “right” thing. We’re all out here trying to make it doing the best we can. They may be just as nervous trying to make conversation but they’re looking forward to friendship with you. You’re doing well with any and every attempt you make.
Same. I am a 19f and after my first semester last year I dropped out because my social anxiety got so bad it drove me into a deep depression. I made no friends I joined clubs it didn’t help went to parties I felt so uncomfortable and I really want to go back to in person (currently online) but I’m just scared I’ll be placed back into the same situation. It’s weird because in high school before covid I was such an extrovert.
I have social anxiety too. I moved back in with my parents right before the pandemic hit. I couldn’t order fast food through the drive through. My sister really eased me into it. She’d have me order one thing, like a drink or ask for extra napkins. And then we started walking into restaurants and she’d stand next to me and have me order. It was pretty scary, there were times I couldn’t get a word out at all. But it helped a lot over time.
I still have trouble making friends and dating but I can go out by myself and get groceries and order my own food.
Hope this helps.
I have a question: who can you talk to “with ease,” and what causes you to have a comfort level in that situation?
I’m the same way, I got a job in sales in a subject that I am confident in that really help break me out of my shell. It was stressful but I see it as an important stepping stone in my life. I’ve since started a new job that I have less experience in and I have reverted a bit. In the end it seems to stem from confidence.
Honestly if I could talk to my past 21 year old self, I’d tell her to talk to a psychiatrist STAT. I tried therapy for years, but really no amount of talking and self awareness is going to fix that feeling of cringing at yourself whenever you talk or after a night out. Medication changed my life for the better and I have no regrets.
Assuming you’re not doing it already, go to therapy. Reddit advice is fine but some things don’t get fixed with just advice. Wish you the best!
sertraline has really helped me, however, medication isn’t for everyone so keep that in mind. also, try setting yourself small challenges every day (eg, talking with a shopkeeper, saying hi to a stranger) until you start to feel more comfortable. good luck!!
Do social things and randomly chat with others, don’t do it to make friends, do it cause you want to live your best life. If you meet someone you’d like to be friends with, ask to exchange contact info. Easier to find girl friends to start out.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Do it. You’ll be able to practice talking with someone in session, therapist, who will also help you overcome these feelings. It is the most evidence based treatment for social anxiety. Likely you’ll be placed on an SSRI, and maybe a benzodiazepine like Ativan or Clonazepam. If they put you on a benzo, make sure to tell them you want only a short amount of therapy with the benzos until they work on your underlying issue. Trust me. 16 years of experience.
I have it bad as well.. But recently the symptoms has been alleviated a little bit due to my mindfulness.
I followed the mantra of “be comfortable with being uncomfortable”, and I think I’m starting to get the hang of it!
Hang in there, you’re not alone
There have been some good recommendations & I’m only going to address a point you made, that’s important, and that is you don’t know what to say. That’s not uncommon & the good news is everyone can learn skills to be a good conversationalist. That might be a good starting point. I’m in my late 50s & have always been able to have conversations with most people, that is, until I suffered a bout of depression a few yrs ago. Now, I too feel anxiety around others, so I use the following learned skills to help me assimilate back into verbal interactions & exchanges with others. Start small. A simple smile & hello as I pass others. Once you feel comfortable start noticing something about others you may have something in common with, maybe interested in, or curious about. Use those as your convo starters. Could be their shoes, jewelry, book, car, classes, job, something on their tshirt, etc.I find others enjoy talking about themselves. So I let them & I give a nod & provide verbal affirmation that lets them know I’m listening & interested. Asking them questions is also a great way to get to another level in a verbal conversation. It shows you’re interested & everyone wants others to be interested in them &/or what they’re saying. Just like many on this string have a desire to verbally communicate, yet feel there’s something holding them back & it causes them anxiety. For me it’s that with my depression I’ve lost interest in being around others, yet I realize I need to for good health. So I’m now selective & choose to be around nice ppl, have educated myself on traits & red flags for ppl with narcissist traits & stay clear of them at all costs. My family knows that’s non-negotiable for my mental health. Point being, if someone you’re attempting to try to have a conversation with is being a jerk, let your inside voice remind you that you’re the nice empath & they don’t deserve you & you move on until you find a nice person. They’re out there. It’s not a bad idea to practice conversations with a close family member or friends you’re comfortable with & trust. Role play or simply record yourself as if you had a college presentation. That way when you use the skill, you’ll, hopefully, feel more confident because you’ve already done it. This may all seem very disingenuous at first, but as you gain experience, confidence & start to hopefully enjoy having conversations with others, you’ll become more genuine & show your authentic self. You need you’re own material as well when others start a conversation with you. Kind of like the proverbial, “elevator speech”. But nothing controversial. Keep it light. Everyone is interesting when we get to know them & the more we talk with them we’ll usually find we have something in common. People who are good conversationalist work at it & as with everything the more you do it & are successful, the more you’ll like it & continue. I’m confident you can do this! Baby steps, as they say.
Read books! Find good videos to watch on YouTube maybe girls doing make up, look up social anxiety videos, find someone that you like. Don’t think about your self, do some self improvement, read books on speaking to people, find a good role model that you can look up to and read their books, maybe a celebrity
For me, it took time to stop my anxiety. I’m 26 and I don’t talk to people very much, but the feeling of needing to fill an empty room with words is mostly gone. I can talk to a girl without being weird, but now I’m working on making conversation. Idk, time has been my friend. I know encouraging through Reddit can sound vain, but I hope you achieve what you want and trudge onward.
Hey I can relate. I used to be pretty social at the start of college but as I got older, my perspective of looking at the world changed and I got more anti-social lol. But I notice that when I don’t take things so seriously, I relax. Maybe that can work for you. I believe we all have inherent social skills, it’s literally in our nature and DNA. We have whites around our pupils for the purpose of eye contact and all that. Just we make it a big deal by overcomplicating and overthinking it. Just stop taking yourself so seriously. Allow yourself to make mistakes cause you’re human. And just be.
Recently I came across this youtube channel called social animal. That channel is mostly about overcoming your social anxiety when trying to talk to just about anybody. Sometimes, there’s an episode for subscriber’s challenge where you get to see an awkward, socially anxious people try to get out of their comfort zone and just talk to anyone. What I like about it is that, they don’t censor where that subscriber get rejected or met with rude people. And vulnerable moments like that helped me ease a bit knowing that life sometimes, just suck like that. And it’s none of anybody’s fault. It’s just is. What’s important is that, you brave through those uncomfortable emotions instead of running away/shutting yourself down/tapped out.
Just like everyone has said it DOES get easier. It may be a while for this to happen but trust it does. Maybe it is that once you’re older you stop caring too much or maybe you grow a bit more confident but whichever way it does get better. I was an anxious wreck everyday in elementary, high school and for half of college. Now, I look back and get upset at myself because it really is that easy to just talk to people. You don’t even have to have these amazing conversations but just saying something here and there and giving your two cents is a big step. Especially genuinely being interested in what others have to say. People don’t care if you say something “embarrassing” they have more things too worry about. I had to really push myself to get talking to people and having jobs that are customer service centered really helped. Trust me I know that nauseous feeling where you think you may pass out from anxiety but it truly gets better. For me, my personal insecurities (body dysmorphia) and sheltered upbringing was (mostly) the root of my social anxiety. Try to figure out what the root of your anxiety is. Also, steer yourself to locations/events/people that have similar interests to you. And like someone pointed out, just keep being friendly for the sake of being friendly and a good person, not just with the intention to make friends or force a friendship. Btw, it is also totally OK to be quiet and to not have anything to contribute in a conversation. It’s unfortunate that it’s frowned upon to not always be talking or having something to say. Anyway, I truly wish you the best 🙂
Have you discussed with your therapist why nothing is working, or considered seeing another therapist if this one isn’t working out? I think most people are comfortable with some and anxious with others, although its worse for the socially anxious. Have you tried ranking social activities by level of anxiety and try working your way up with gradual exposure?
One advice that really helped me is that you should stop thinking that every conversation is like a police interrogation and that you can’t mess up. People around you generally know that you have social anxiety and are ready to help you up.
Breathe….. don’t be so hard on yourself and just be you
Why would you be anxious about talking to literal poop machines ? Think about it.
I don’t usually comment on posts and stuff but ig I’ll help you out love, my friend was also like this and still like this but luckily they’re becoming more confident in speaking with others. The main step, is initiating the friendship, find someone in school who looks cool and you think you could bond with and compliment them, people love being complimented. Ask them about their interest and find shared ground. Get their number or social media, and then ask them to hangout as friends. Eventually you will need to tell them that you have social anxiety so they don’t act oblivious. But yeah, I know I made it sound super easy but it’s always been easy for me. The main thing about it for me is that I always saw myself as better than others, don’t do that. Instead see others as just little baby’s trying to get by in life, that’s what we all are in the end. Once you establish to yourself that there are others just like you longing for connection, you will soon find the confidence to reach others. Once you have a friendship, btw, make sure you allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. When I was in 10rh grade in Highschool I met this girl, I always saw her and spoke to her a couple times but we never connected. In AP Art i sat next to her and we ended up hanging out a bit, and then one day I just told her about something that made me upset, and in that moment she did the same thing. We walked around our home town cried about our shared trauma and in the end, she’s the person I’m closest with now. I know it’s depressing but frankly, people always bond over pain in some way. I hope this helps you and good luck.
Read the Art of seduction and laws of human nature
Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/we54zy/big_tip_to_reduce_your_social_anxiety_and_why/
What are you doing to get better at socializing? Joining clubs at school or working in a job centered around socializing really helped me. I struggled with socializing and often avoided it. But it wasn’t until I started working at a college bar that I got better. So many people come in and out that it’s a really good way to get used to small talk and all sorts of people. Additionally make sure to appear approachable, don’t avoid peoples eyes when they walk into a room, or ignore them when they say hi. I honestly felt like an idiot sometimes going out of my way to say hi to everyone at work/school/etc but it’s better than having people view you as someone indifferent and cold.
Lastly don’t compare yourself to something you’re not! My therapist noted that I (an introvert) was comparing my social skills with an extroverts skills, and claimed that it would only leave me feeling less than. Embrace/accept who you are, and it’ll be a lot easier to make friends.
try figuring out WHY therapy isn’t working. address that with your therapist, even if its an uncomfortable conversation. heck, especially if.
it can be hard to keep hard to keep track of the deeper, underlying beliefs you operate with (wrt your own personability & and how you view people “other” than you) especially because social anxiety is so overwhelming.
what’s important to remember is that meaningful relationships dont manifest within a singular chance encounter, or a “spark” felt between strangers. friendship matures in spaces that make you feel energized, comfortable, and seen. it can be hard to find these kind of spaces/people/situations, but the key to starting out is trusting that you know yourself well enough to get there.
also: dialectic behavioural therapy maybe?
I was the same way when I was your age. Now in my late 20s(F) and my social anxiety has improved more than I could have ever dreamed. How to Be Yourself by Ellen Hendrickson was a helpful read for me. I never found counseling helpful (especially at university). I just had to take baby steps at my own pace. Realizing I’m autistic and learning how to manage my autism was a game changer. Feel free to dm me!
Don’t worry, you’re still finding yourself, you still have a lot of time. Focus on developing your self esteem and boundaries!
One practice that has helped in a lot of aspects of my life is learning how to laugh at myself when I make minor mistakes. You can easily recover from anything that doesn’t hurt someone by laughing it off. Tripped? Oops haha. Misspoke a word? Oops haha.
Oddly enough creepy old men are right. [Everyone] should smile more. It subconsciously convinces others you’re friendly and likeable, it also has the added benefit of convincing your brain to release the happy chemicals.
Something that really turned my college experience around was actually taking a drama class at a community college – it was very low stakes, everyone was very sweet and supportive, and my nerves actually felt like they turned into excitement. I may be bias but if that’s ever an option I suggest you take it.
Another practice was focusing on what was important to me, developing those passions and having something that I felt comfortable sharing with people. It helped flesh me out and made me feel more secure in my identity as a person, which led to me feeling more confident in presenting myself to others.
One thing to remember is that it’s just as impossible to be liked by everyone as it is to like everyone. There will be people you just don’t jive with and vice versa. In this case a judgement call isn’t always a negative thing, it’s just people knowing their limits/desires for a relationship.
***Avoid the alcohol trap. It has a way of convincing you it’s giving you confidence and lowering your inhibitions, but it can become a crutch really quick if you rely on it for “help.”
Definitely ask your doctor about anxiety medication, it can make a real difference in your comfort level.
Good luck!
Wake up in the morning and go talk to the mirror for about 5 minutes.