I (33M) always had the goal to meet someone and start a long relationship, share projects (buy a house, have a big garden, start a family…) but it isn’t that easy: first, the house price are crazy and I definitely miss a garden, second, it always was difficult with women: I was lucky to have a few girlfriends and a few shorter stories too but they didn’t work on the long term (partly because of distance).
So I am back to square 1: In the last 2 years, I was single, as I was most of my life, and I start to wonder how to handle it. My idea was to find love first and the house afterwards (that seems more logical: more flexibility and more money)
But years are passing and I don’t meet any women with whom anything happens. Now I could fulfill my dream and buy a small house with a nice garden, but it would be on the remote countryside, an hour from the closest city of 100k inhabitants.
The idea of having such a house is making me very happy, but I am afraid that it means as well I will never meet anyone: I am already having a hard time starting a relationship in a city with millions of people around, but I at least met a few women and had some dates a year and some tiny hope to start such a relationship. Whereas I never had any type of relationship with someone living less than 1.5h away during the years I lived on the countryside or in that 100k inhabitants city.
On the other hand, if I met someone and started a relationship, which is most probable to happen in a city, buying a house together some years later would become much easier, including in a more attractive place (and that even if that hypothetical women was winning half of my salary). But who knows if and when I will find that women.
Did someone face a similar issue? If yes, what did you do and how was life for you? If not, you are still welcome to share your thoughts
Edit: thanks a lot for your comments!
46 comments
The longer you wait to buy a house, the more expensive it will be. Rates are high right now and who knows how that will fluctuate in the near term. You can always sell it and get something else when you meet someone!
Buy the house! You could be waiting forever and be kicking yourself if didn’t.
You can always sell and move if you find the one! You’ll get equity and the partner you wanted. Win-win!
I bought my own place. It’s an investment in my future. Life is fantastic.
You can’t wait for someone else to make your dreams come true. If having your own house and garden makes you happy, and now would be an okay time for you to do this (financially, job wise etc), do it!
Imagine you hold off on buying a house, hoping to meet someone, and then in 20 years you’re still stuck in the city and on your own.
Do what works for you. I’m sure it would be great to do this with someone else, but you’re just not in that situation right now and it could be years before you are.
Maybe you meet the woman of your dreams in your new area the day you move into your house. You never know, life works in mysterious ways, do what makes you happy 🙂
Buy the house. I’m 35 and bought my house when I was 29 and have no regrets. Been able to build a ton of equity and help better my financial future. I wish i had someone to share it with but at the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you!
Also keep in mind you could buy a starter home and upgrade later on when you meet someone. My house is a starter home but I’ve built enough equity over the years so when I sell I can throw that money into a bigger and better house, hopefully with a partner!
Buy the house when you are ready (financially, mentally, etc etc) to buy a house. No reason to wait for a potential someone to come on board with what you want to do in life.
I (32F) was in a long term relationship (over 10 years) I bought a house two years ago for my ex and I to live in. Things didn’t work out and now I’m here alone. I’m so happy I bought the house myself though and I love living here alone or not.
I would say go with your gut. Could you buy the house and continue living in the city until the time is right?
I am currently saving up to buy a house. Don’t wait for a partner. Buy the house and don’t base your decision on whether you’ll find someone or not.
All the responses here miss the point that he will be far from the nearest city if he buys the house. Personally I wouldn’t do it. Being out the far on your own can be very isolating.
Don’t wait on it,
I lived your situation. Bought my own place 2 years ago but now found a guy I’m happy with. But we don’t want things to go too fast.
Together for four months now and only now are we looking to be whole weekends together (I have dogs, he doesn’t and we live an hour apart).
He bought his own home but it’s too small for two people (especially with my dogs) and I live too far out of the way.
He now wants to buy a new house by himself so we can move somewhere together without already having to buy something together.
If that works out we can sell the homes and get our dream one down the line.
Meaning even if you wait you’re looking usually at at least 2 years delay before the big buy something together.
First year get to know each other. Second year live together and then you could know enough to buy together though there are no certainties.
Get something small but decent and sell it afterwards when you meet the one for something that suits you both.
I’ve bought two houses and never once pondered how a potential partner would matter. It was a decision I wanted to make so I did. It’s not forever. You can figure things out later if need be. I’m no longer single. My boyfriend moved cities into my house. You figure it out.
Definitely buy the house! You need to do what makes you happy regardless of having a partner. If you do meet someone in the future and you need to move for them, you can always sell. House are not permanent.
I think there is actually a way to kill two birds with one stone depending on the amount of disposable income and savings. If money isn’t the issue i would buy a property and rent it out (hire a property manager) as a country side place for all those business people that need a getaway spot, and then rent a place in a location where it’s easy to date.
If your making a choice between doing something to make you happy now versus risking missing out on finding a partner i would definitely suggest the former.
I never wanted to buy a house and remodel it alone but I did because if I kept waiting for the right time it might never happen and buying made more sense financially. I’ve got to be honest… it sucked. There were issues with closing that I had to deal with and people trying to take advantage of me. Then there were all the decisions about remodeling and work that I did alone or with my parents’ help. It was kind of sad and lonely doing all that alone. It should have been exciting but it all just reminded me that I didn’t have someone to share the experience and the home with. That being said I don’t regret it. It was the right decision and if I want to move in with someone in the future it will be a great rental property. And in the meantime I have a home I’m proud of.
I don’t live in a city though so that wasn’t a factor for me. I live in a little tourist town next to a military base. An hour isn’t terribly far to drive for a date though, some people do a commute like that every day for work. If you think you will be happier in a home outside the city on a day to day basis then the inconvenience of driving for dates might be worth it.
Buy the house, live your happy life for you. When you meet someone, there’s no guarantee they’ll stay & would want to buy a house with you.
Also, if you meet someone after buying the house, you’ll be able to sell it if you want to & buy a new one in a better location.
I’ll invest in my house next year, for sure. Not waiting for anyone around. I’m a 34f, I lost hope to find anyone adequate, mentally heathy & not too disappointing plus I love the idea of having a garden, little greenhouse + my dog in MY own house. Would never trade such life pleasures for someone.
Buy the house if that’s what you want. Don’t put your life on hold when you don’t need to.
I did it and now I have my own little space to do with what I want.
Buy the house if you can afford it. I bought mine at 34 after waiting around for the partner that hasn’t materialized. And now my house is worth over $100k more than I bought it for. And I learned that my previous landlords sold my last apartment about a year after I moved out. It’s very nice not having my living situation dependent on someone else.
Fuck a house, buy a boat. Sail around the world.
I was a single bi-woman, left a relationship with a man, bought my own house, and have lived there for 3 years.
Started dating a wonderful woman who owns her own home as well.
You’re allowed to start your life as a single person. You don’t have to wait for a partner to do things.
Yeah, 35F here and have been struggling with this decision as well. I think the combination of isolation from the pandemic and the rising costs of rent has changed my thinking in ways I wouldn’t have imagined just a few years ago. At this point I’m just so sick of landlords! And having to move every few years. Even though I thought buying a house would be something I would do when I had a partner and family, I’m not going to wait. I’d rather be happy in the country, where I prefer to live, while making an effort to travel to visit friends in other cities. It’s a difficult choice. A big part for me is I need studio space in my house and the ability to play music loud without bothering any neighbors, so that is a huge factor in my decision.
real estate agent here – do not wait on someone to buy it with.
i bought at 31, single and 35, single, sold the first house for a profit and this house i rent out as a short term rental 5 days a month that legit pays my mortgage.
just saying you could even work that kind of scenario if you needed to but from a real estate perspective, i see a correction coming in 3ish years. so take that for what you will. other big time investors see nothing coming but i can’t imagine this lunacy continues on for another 5-10 years totally unchecked with prices going up 15-20% year over year. it just won’t continue i’m betting.
I just said “Buy the fucking house” out loud.
In this market, you would be crazy if you didn’t purchase a house that you saw and fell in love with. That will likely make you happier than a relationship. Go for that first.
I kept telling myself I would buy one of those cool Japanese Zojirushi rice cookers when I “settled down”. I figured it wasn’t worth it just for myself. I made it to 40 and the pandemic started and said “screw it” and bought a rice cooker anyway, although a cheaper one because I worked out you can get most of the fuzzy logic features for 100€ instead of over twice that. Sometimes life is you pushing it along, not you waiting for it to happen.
I’ve been a homeowner since i was 20.
Buy the house.
Don’t wait for anyone to be your happiness or to make your decisions. The house will be yours. Its an accomplishment. You don’t need a partner to do it.
Infact, owning a home is more attractive to many. As a woman, who has been smart with her money and investments, i want a man who brings the same to the table. I will pass over a renter for a home owner any day (not that there is anything wrong with renting ofc but long term I want a partner who is financially on the same page as me and isn’t hoping to ride my assets).
Buy it alone. It’s quite empowering.
I think it totally comes down to what your biggest priority is at the end of the day— Finding a partner or owning property. I have personally never really felt that owning a house is that important to me until much later in life. But that’s just my own personal values at play — I’d much prefer to be renting but close to friends and a bigger dating pool. What I care about most in my life is being around my people! Plus, once you have a property you’ll have a ton of your time and energy tied up in it, not to mention you can’t easily relocate. But I totally understand that for some, having a house feels hugely fulfilling and stabilizing. So just do whatever brings you joy!
Pursue your dreams of homeownership. Congratulations! There’s nothing sexier to a woman than a determined man that is dedicated to and achieving his goals, and creating new targets for his future.
The right match for you will be on a similar trajectory, reaching her goals and accomplishing them one by one.
When the time comes that you meet this special women, you two will be positioned to make changes together about your joint future.
Don’t worry about your personal goals interfering with your dating pool. That’s a silly notion, but I can understand the concern: setting goals and achieving them in and of itself speaks volumes about where your life is currently, and what your potential is for the future. Your right match will appreciate this quality about you, and will contribute value to your life
I bought a house alone 5 years ago. I’m up 100k+ in equity, and now when my boyfriend and I talk about buying our dream property in a few years, I can factor that into our downpayment. I can’t think of one single downside, honestly.
Buy the house, maybe a starter home, but buy the house.
I’m 42F and what you described has been my dream too, but I put finding a mate first. That hasn’t worked out so far. So now I’m prioritizing living my dream, and hopefully I will find someone great along the way.
Iv failed at life, 33F no closer to love or to being able to own my home 🙃
You may want to proceed carefully, OP.
I own a house in a smaller city that is 1.5 hours away from a major city. It’s lacking in diversity and other amenities that a bigger city offers. I live here because of a location-specific job that I was absolutely passionate about.
I think you will likely have a significantly harder time dating if you were to move and buy a house. A smaller pool, a lot of people move to a town like this to raise children, less diverse, etc. Having to commute to the bigger city to date would be a pain both for you and your potential dates. Even if you were to develop a relationship with someone from the neighboring city, one of you would have to relocate.
I found my partner long distance. He moved in with me but we are planning on buying a house together in a much bigger city within the next year or so. I have a couple friends who are attractive and accomplished who really want to settle down, and they are having such a difficult time finding partners mainly because of the logistics of being in a smaller, rural-ish town.
All that said, I truly enjoy owning a house and having my sanctuary so there’s that.
Whichever direction you go, I am sending you virtual hugs! Best wishes!
only chiming in bc the top comments are all saying buy the house:
my counterpoint would be, don’t.
There’s no rush here really but distance comes up as a dating issue a LOT in this sub. It seems very tough for people in rural environments. If you’re an hour away, regardless of how open you are to traveling, a lot of people will write you off (which IMO is fair – you’re essentially in another city, distance wise).
If you really value starting a relationship, I’d say give it a couple more years and keep saving. It sounds like you’ve had some dating success lately and just need a bit more.
I would recommend you really take some time to evaluate what will make you the most happy.
I live in a small city (<300k in the three of surrounding counties) and live a really great life (low cost of living, own a really nice house, access to nature, nice restaurants/breweries, ~1-hr trip to larger city for concerts/sports/etc.). My dating life is pretty much non-existent though (I consider myself lucky to go on a date once every couple of months).
The dating stuff didn’t really bother me in my early 30’s, but it has been really frustrating the last few years (especially since I always wanted to have children). I’m sort of in your inverse position and contemplate moving just to increase my chances of success. I am really hesitant because I know I would be miserable in a larger city.
So no really good advice since this isn’t really an either/or situation (you could stay in the city and not find anyone or move and find someone within a month). I would just try to figure out what you value more and go for it. After a few years, re-evaluate and make another change if you think that is better.
Best of luck!
A couple of thoughts from my own perspective and experience:
* All the individuals saying buy the house aren’t wrong. My thought is does it have to be “that” house? Could you buy something in the city and build equity to use towards your dream?
* An hour away from a city of 100K people SEVERELY dries up the dating pool, sure it only takes one but your odds of meeting that “one” are much better in a bigger population centre;
I bought a house at 27 years old and owned it for 10 years. I sold it in 2016 because I spent a lot of my weekends/free time maintaining yet. I didn’t have much time to socialize. I couldn’t afford to outsource the maintenance.
Not having a house pro: free time, monthly bills are predictable. I can move wherever I want.
Not having a house con: no equity and now I’m pretty much priced out of buying a new one where I live.
I think you pretty much have to pick which evil you want to live with. At a minimum, don’t hold off on what you want to do waiting for someone else. If you really want a house go for it.
I can’t decide if I’m happy I sold my house or not. At the time it was what I needed.
Buy the house. I had the same mindset and missed out on my own home for years because of that. I finally purchased and it was waaaay more expensive than I’d I purchased when I first was able to.
I bought a house in an area far from the city and ended up in a relationship with someone who lives an hour and a half away. Now I am in the position where I will likely have to sell the house and move.
If you buy the house this is the risk you run so I would not lightly brush it aside. I have other circumstances where I don’t necessarily regret buying however, it will undoubtedly play out as a terrible financial decision.
Hey I would definitely get the house. Being single sucks. It really does, but there are plenty of women that would love to live remotely. Yes your options are more limited, but you could appreciate that as a way to weed through your possibilities.
I would want nothing more than to live remotely. As I’m dating, the men that want to stay in the cities or live a very suburban lifestyle, I know they aren’t for me.
I bought my house when I was 22 in an area with very few single women. It pretty much made me undesirable to women – even though I have built up incredible equity.
I posted elsewhere in this thread, but most of the people chiming in have no idea what rural dating is really like.
If you are leaning towards moving I would strongly recommend that you spend 2-3 weekends in the area you are considering. Go to some of the bars, turn on some of the apps, talk to some of the locals, etc. When you run through all the available profiles or not see any singles out between the ages of 25-50 you may reconsider.
I just bought an apartment alone. I figure that at my age (38m) that as far as dating goes, that ship has sailed and sunk and there’s no point trying anymore.
Sometimes comfort is a drug that’s very hard to break free of. If you’re comfortable holed up in a cabin with a beautiful garden, it feels like the odds of meeting someone shrink down to whether or not the right girl is going to kick down your door and introduce herself.
I would say if finding someone is your priority, hold off on the house.
Or option C, could you do a solo road trip this summer? With the intention of travelling to potential future cities nearby, and meeting somebody by interacting with the locals? A lot of my best relationships and friendships started by traveling for cheap and living in hostels/campgrounds. Literally the easiest way to make friends is just to take the initiative and invite people places. Or if you’d like to keep working and saving during that, even getting a seasonal job at a hotel can help with meeting people so much.
But put yourself out there! See who’s around with the intention of meeting somebody by next cold season and looking into a house by then.
I’ve actually thought about your dilemma recently (I am 30f single) and bc of my job it’s best I rent close to work now- but here’s what I would do if I were you.
Buy a starter home or condo. Start out with something small that you could start a family in. Once you’re ready to purchase your “forever home” you can do that, and sell your starter home or rent it out (depending on where you live). You’re able to put money into something you own instead of renting, and still get the option of picking out a home with your partner when the time comes.
I bought a house rural with a big garden. I can’t just pick up and be in the city for a cup of coffee in twenty minutes but oh well. Relationships in my experience come with drama and there’s no drama in my garden.
Unpopular opinion – don’t buy the house. If finding a relationship is very important to you, then I still think it’s worth it to increase your odds of staying in a highly populated area. If finding a relationship isn’t that important, and you value a rural lifestyle and/or home ownership more then buy the house.
I understand the thought process of live your life! Don’t wait for a partner to make steps forward! I get all of that. But realistically, IMO you will decrease your probability of finding a relationship. Not saying you won’t, but it will be that much harder.
Keep in mind that even if you’re ok with a commute to the city for dates, many will have their location preferences set in a way that you’ll be out of their radius. So you quite literally won’t have the same pool of options
I would also keep in mind the current state of the market and the overall sentiment of comments which seems to be buy the house. Given that ppl who have bought homes in the last 5-8 years are now likely holding on to an amazing investment. So I would keep that in mind. Ppl are positive on their house buying because they have seen great returns! So I do think there may be a slight bias in some of these responses.
I won’t give you a dating advice, but a financial one. Inflation is real and strong, buy a house, invest in real estate.