My (25F) BF and I have a generally great relationship. He has said I understand him more than anyone, and that he loves me deeply, etc. he’s hardly an emotional guy so this is a big thing for him.
He enjoys a nice beer, which is great, but the problem is when he starts he can hardly stop, and when he’s drunk he gets aggressive — it’s almost like he has become a different person. He has often admitted to having verbally abused me when drunk, and then expressed remorse the next morning, before we patch up. (He says he never means it, and he knew what would hurt me, and deliberately would say them TO hurt me in the moment of anger.) He has even said that he is aware that once he starts he simply cannot stop drinking, and that the only solution is to stop drinking altogether.
Here is the issue: when he starts drinking now, I panic because I know what is to come, and I try to stop him (he buys a 4-pack at a time, says he will stop at 2, but never does. In fact he usually doesn’t stop at a 4-pack). He gets angry that I get upset at him starting to drink, and says that’s the reason he drinks more. It’s basically a vicious cycle.
Last week, when he was drinking and starting to provoke me, I tried to de escalate the situation by removing myself from his presence altogether. He was still angry, though, and kept drinking and he was very aggressive when he got home. He said that he wasn’t mad at me, though, just mad — but he didn’t know what at.
I suggested he start going to therapy — and said that I would call for him and sign him up if he kept drinking to excess and getting aggressive. But he thinks I’m the reason behind his alcoholism because he needs to escape from my annoyance. He has still been drunk despite me having nothing to do with the situation though. He says he wants to break up with me, I am a party pooper, and bring negativity into his life.
This week we tried to compromise on how much is a healthy amount to drink, but he couldn’t keep to it and tried to hide the fact that he had drunk — his smell and behaviour were giveaways.
Am I at fault or wrong for being concerned about his drinking habits?
Might be worth mentioning that despite having very little disposable income he spends all of it on booze.
Tl;dr — I think BF drinks an unhealthy amount of booze. I ask him to stop. He can’t. Vicious cycle ensues. He thinks I’m controlling and wants to break up with me
30 comments
r/alanon might be helpful
Dude break up with him, this isn’t about you he’s just abusive and he’s using alcohol as an excuse.
His priority is getting his substance. It’s not rational or logical. Anyone who tries to get between him and his substance is an enemy in his eyes. He will say or do anything to silence the enemy and keep his substance available, including lying and not excluding violence.
You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it.
As you can’t save him, I suggest you at least save yourself. Living with a raging alcoholic is not a good time.
So here’s a little story for ya….. My ex, who was younger than me, called me a controll freak and abusive and never let him do anything. Why did I get this label? Because he used to have a coke problem and I wouldn’t let him be a cokehead. Apparently it’s completely harmless to only spend time with people who actively did coke and meth. It’s totally normal to have random mood swings and withdrawal symptoms out of no where. He finally left me because I was “so controlling”. In the 2 years since he has had to leave 3 different family members houses and now his mom doesn’t even know where he is staying, if he has a job or car or if he is okay. And no one knows if he is clean. I believe this is the type of man your man is.
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Feel free to break up with him. Tell him you want no part of a relationship that includes a violent drunk.
Unless you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Get. Out. Now.
Seriously. You want him to stop drinking? Leaving him and saying ‘me or the booze’ is literally the only thing you can do. (Edited to add: And I don’t mean tell him to quit drinking OR leave. I mean leave AND tell him to quit drinking. You don’t need to be there and if you stay he will do literally anything he can to continue.) He has to figure this out on his own and you cannot be there for it. If he is truly dedicated to sobriety, I’d consider it… far, far later. No half measures. No deals. No ‘drinks only on the weekends’. Full stop.
My mom’s story started out just like yours. She’s 64 and he never stopped drinking since 20 years old. **Alcoholics will not stop until they decide to.** There’s nothing you can do about it. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can break the cycle.
Best of luck to you. Alcoholism is terrible. I wouldn’t give him a second chance at all, personally.
I would really reconsider this relationship, but I do also somewhat respect that you care for him, I just really don’t like how he’s being vicious towards you, that’s not appropriate and harmful. I’ve had an alcoholic ex and he was awful towards me and almost gotten me injured multiple times. But at the same time, this guy surely does need help and it’s horrible a lot of people these days don’t get the help they require…
I’m a bit of an alcoholic myself and currently cutting down, surprisingly doing pretty well and I can’t wait to be alcohol free. But I was never aggressive or abusive towards my partner, despite having ptsd and a lot of past trauma – drinking is a couping mechanism for me and it does make me relax, but it had gotten too far out of control. I was drinking far too much and feeling depressed in the mornings, not good.
I was indenial about my problem at first when my partner first addressed it, then one day I just suddenly burst into tears and told him some messed up stuff that had happened to me before we started dating – even childhood trauma, that I just ignored for 15 years. Like how your boyfriend feels about you, my partner is the first person I have ever met to fully understand me and he’s like my best friend. So, that’s motivating me to get better and to stop drinking.
Exercising is one the best things, eating healthy and replacing alcohol with herbal teas helps too. I currently don’t work at the moment so, the house is pretty damn spotless and cleaning is very therapeutic for me. Cooking and meal preps also helps. My partner plays board games with me in the evenings, like Chess, something challenging to keep the mind off alcohol. Reading books that you’re interested in helps, because I know how hard it is to read when your drunk, lol, that makes me want to drink far less, so I am able to concentrate.
If your man is more of a handy-man, manly man, get him into some woodwork and explore his creativity. I built a TV unit with my partner one weekend and it was one of the best achievements I’ve done. I can’t wait to build a coffee table next! There are soooo many things to do to distract yourself from alcohol and you need that full concentration to do it.
But overall, if you feel you are in any danger and there’s no hope left for this guy… its okay to walk away and break up, he’ll realize someday he needs help and will sort it out for himself. Take care of yourself.
He told you he drinks to escape your annoyance? This guy has a serious problem with alcohol and should be going to rehab or meetings if he gets this way when he drinks. That’s some serious underlying anger he only expresses when drunk
OP, please follow your gut on this because I had a bf that reacted the same and 18 years later I can’t be with anyone who drinks a beer and watches basketball! I panic because the last time I saw him he was watching a game with a beer (it was always more than one) he pinned me to the bed and was punching me in the face while his teenage daughter screamed at him to stop.
He is an alcoholic, He will shift blame, he will lie, and he will continue to hurt you. What you need to know is no matter how concerned you are or how much control you believe you have in this situation you have none. Addiction is far beyond the help of loved ones, and he will lose everything until he acknowledges and takes serious action against his addiction.
Speaking as a recovered alcoholic, all the abuse you describe here is NOT because of the addiction. He is using his drinking as an excuse to abuse you. Regardless if he is also an alcoholic that is none of your concern, he is an abuser.
I cannot stress this enough, you need to leave him immediately. Staying at this point is how women end up murdered by their domestic partners. Let him worry about himself, he’s forfeited your concern by abusing you. While addicts almost universally get selfish we do NOT abuse people bc of the addiction. There is more wrong here than the drinking and not only have you done nothing wrong at all you need to ruuuuuuun.
The situation you’re describing has and can turn deadly. Please please please protect yourself.
>(He says he never means it, and he knew what would hurt me, and deliberately would say them TO hurt me in the moment of anger.)
This is a bad, unsafe person.
Break up otherwise you’re inviting trouble.
This is just alcoholism. Alcohol + Negative consequences happens. But most people change their drinking or their behavior while drinking or both. Someone who just keeps at it is an alcoholic, and as long as he believes he can have booze and you, he has no reason to change
So he knows how he behaves when drunk but won’t quite or seek help? Get out. No amount of being in love with someone is worth putting up with his abuse when he’s drunk. There are millions of men out in the world, he isnt the only one that you can find love with and who won’t be an abusive drunk and alchoholic who will likely only get worse with time.
If he won’t quit dispite knowing he hurts you and feeling guilty, then he isn’t willing to take that extra step.
When I started drinking, and I mean heavily/ frequently. It was due to a traumatic breakup initially. At first it was no big deal. Fun and games. But as time went on I grew restless and angry. I would lash out over truly dumb shit, say and do things that hurt those I loved. And I would wake up with more demons on my plate than I had ever tried drinking away before. It wasn’t until I hated myself enough to want to kill that part of me. I wanted it dead, gone, over with. I called it the Mr Hyde to my Dr Jekyll. And kill mister Hyde I did. Dispite the possible dangers of quitting cold turkey, one day I just never touched another bottle. I buried that part of me and began resolving issues. it turns out I did have some childhood trauma left to cope with but I am. And when I release by poetry I hope the church can suck a fat one for what they did.
He’s an abusive alcoholic. This will NEVER change until he gets help because HE wants to and recognizes his addiction. You can’t change this situation or him in any way. It’s HIS problem. All you can do is leave. Period. Signed, a daughter and sister of alcoholics.
Only read the header and I’ve watched enough intervention to know your boyfriends an alcoholic
your boyfriend is an abusive alcoholic. i’ve been there, in my case it only got worse, until i was just scared to be around him. gave him an ultimatum and he chose alcohol. maybe your situation is different but it doesn’t seem that far off. he sounds like the real party pooper, ruining your everyday with his abuse.
You are not controlling, you are a wise woman!
Everyone else have such awesome advice for you. I just have one more point to add:
He says he can’t stop once he starts. But what about before that? He chose to start it. He knows he becomes a terror once he starts drinking… so why did he make the choice to drink in the first place?
Think about it. And understand that everything is within his control. He made this choice himself.
I am an alcoholic (26f) and actually recently got out of rehab after many failed attempts at stopping by myself . I also get aggressive when I drink, have little to no control over how much I drink when I do, and often blamed my partner for being an obstacle to my happiness when he would get in the way of my drinking. The scale of damage that I caused in our lives is immeasurable but I was blessed with a caring and understanding partner that recognizes that I have a problem, but I am not the problem. He might not be an alcoholic, I still question if i am because I only drank once a week but it was the reason I was drinking and what happened when I did that made it a problem. He can be helped, but the downside is that he has to admit he has a problem and actually want help in order for it to work. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up the day after and apologized for the things I said and did while I was drunk. I’d like to say it’s been all good and well since I got back from rehab but the reality is that I hurt my partner, over and over again, and the truth is the alcohol was more important to me than him at the time. What you have to decide is if you want to go on this journey with him or not. Again, it all boils down to whether he wants help or not.
I have an alcoholic mom. When she‘s drunk, she‘s annoying as hell and picks fights. from time to time she would cry in front of me saying she‘s sorry and she‘d stop, but they never stop. Ik it‘s easier said than done, but save urself and leave. Alcohol will always be the alcoholic’s top choice – and in ur case, ur bf is even choosing it over your well-being. Honestly hope you’ll choose yourself n your health 🙂
Girl, RUN.
Thats it, nothing else
sorry but please leave before you get a kid involved in these horrible experiences
Here you go OP I’ve summarised your post. Enjoy!
– * Great Relationship
– * Drinking problem
– * Aggressive when drunk
– * Verbally Abusive
– * Vicious Cycle of abusive behaviour
– * You feel anxiety drinking behaviour.
– * Alcoholic partner resents other partner.
– * Blaming them for their behaviour.
– * Victim blaming
– * Stealth drinking. Alcohol dependence?
– * Blaming yourself for his problems.
– * Financial issues.
Do you hear yourself?
You’re delusional, get out of this relationship now.
– * Great Relationship.
He loves you deeply yet he tells you’re the problem for his drinking and he wants to break up with you? That don’t add up. You’re living with an alcoholic, and you can’t stop an alcoholic from drinking unless they want to themselves—really, really want to. I suggest leaving, because no one deserves verbally abuse. Before you know it, he starts psychically abusing you. There is no excuse for that and you don’t have to put up with it.
I highly recommend recording his behavior and showing him when he is sober.
He is an alcoholic. He is a grown man responsible for his own behavior.
As the mother of a daughter, it makes me sick to think of you willingly tolerating abuse from a drunk. You deserve better, and you deserve a man who would feel wretched about treating you badly.
Leave him. I was married to someone like that. Unless he goes to therapy on his own will, stop drinking completely and make it up for you for all the pain he caused- there is no future. Maybe give him a week to decide whether you or booze is important and then act accordingly.
However, I really think you should just leave. My husband gave up drinking several times for months but always circled back to it. Once alcoholic is always alcoholic(at least with you). That’s my belief. P.S. mine got himself in a huge debt because of his drinking habits.