I always feel kind of excluded at school. Like I’ll be in a group talking with ppl but im always like the outsider of the group cuz i don’t have any close friends so im always kinda the outsider to groups but i still am there and they are fine with me existing in there space for the most part but i don’t end up becoming closer with anyone and when in a group i try to talk but it’s like im invisible. u know when u keep starting the same sentence cuz they didn’t hear you the first time and then u hv to just give up. and when in a group talking, standing or walking im always behind ppl or just outside the circle so it makes it even harder to contribute and so im just kinda there. No one’s really close friends with me. I’ve tried really hard for years but y just always on the outside. I feel like a worthless disposable speck floating through the space and time of the high school social realm.
2 comments
Sorry you’re in this situation! Your school days sound a lot like mine, so from that perspective I can assure you that it’s definitely possible to turn things around.
Couple things to work on. Sounds like you’re trying to bust into “a group,” and that’s always tough because they already have their dynamic going on, and, as you’ve observed, you’re Socially Invisible to them.
I think you need to start having one-on-one conversations with people. Okay let me back up. Before you even do that, I want you to start hearing the sound of your own voice in a school setting in an ultra-friendly manner. So, NOT with this group, or any group.
Start with individuals. In the morning how about a big hello to whoever has a locker next to yours? Or, if in this post-Covid era there’s no locker interaction, then whoever is near you in homeroom. Start with easy stuff:
“HEY, how ARE you?” or “HI, how’s it GOING?” or “G’MORNING! Are you READY for today?” etc. (have an answer to those questions yourself in case anyone tossed a similar question back at you.) Make eye contact and light up a BIG smile as you say this. They may just smile, or grunt, or make eye contact and look away. Or maybe even ask you a question in return. The point is, the response doesn’t truly matter. What MATTERS is you getting out of your comfort zone, and practice being The Outgoing Person Who Is Friendly to Everyone. With ENERGY. Note by emphasizing certain words it all sounds FRIENDLIER. It doesn’t really matter which words you emphasize, just that you do it.
Every time you go into a new class, say something to the teacher. “HI Mr. Smith, got some great STUFF for us today?” or “Thanks for the great lesson Ms. Rodriguez!” Say these things with ENTHUSIASM and a smile on your face. (An authentic smile includes your eyes) Change it up a little each day, but keep doing it daily.
Say hi to the janitor, the lunch monitors. Make it a point to say hello to the quiet kids who don’t get much interaction. Be the bright part of their day. When you get a comfort level with speaking enthusiastically to someone at least once an hour, then you can boost it up to having a brief conversation with someone. Again, the quiet people are much better for this because the popular crowd doesn’t have time for this. Practice your conversations, and do it with some passion, some energy.
A lot of what keeps you from connecting currently is a lack of confidence, a lack of energy, a lack of the sense that you’re bringing anything positive to people. So YOU have to start practicing that in safe spaces (teachers, quiet kids, etc.) and get used to the sound of your own voice being excited about something!
Once you realize you can do this and you have something to give, keep at it until it’s a superpower. THEN, get out there and start making friends one at a time, through one-on-one conversations. Eventually the group stuff will come, but you need to start small.
And you know what, this will help you IMMENSELY when you hit college or the working world, so start now and you’ll be glad you did.
Good luck!
Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite/connect with you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite/connect with you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing or are passionate for and keep doing it overtime. Find groups in your area who are also pursuing the same thing. Chase excellence, not people.