I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression. Opened up to the wrong friends and now I feel so shut off to everyone that tries to be my friend. I’m
27F and going on year 4 with my boyfriend.
since we started dating I didn’t have any friends.
He’s always had so many and I have always loved that for him. His friends and their partners have always been so nice and welcoming to me. But even after almost 4 years I feel like I can’t put my walls down. I can’t open up. When we all are hanging out I am the most quiet. I struggle smiling. I feel like I’m
looked at as mean or with an attitude. I know I’m a kind and soft person. I just want to know what I should be doing to stop this.
clearly it’s my anxiety getting in the way. I tell myself to fix it so it doesn’t happen next time but then we go out again and it’s back. I feel like I take ages and ages to get comfortable around
people for them to become my friend. I would have thought I’d be closer by now.
Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this? I want to be a good friend to the people around me.
1 comment
There’s nothing wrong with being the Quiet Person. The world needs variety, so if you’re comfortable with that then that’s fine. Where it becomes a problem is if YOU want something different for yourself. (It sounds as though you do.) So don’t make a change for others, make it for yourself!
Usually when we can’t put walls down, it’s because we’re hyperfocused on ourselves, and not on others. The reason for this is NOT because you’re selfish! The reason is fear: fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown. So the solution to it is learning to overcome this fear.
There are several ways to do it, one is to begin making changes in a place where you feel safe. That would be right in your own home. You’re soft-spoken and you don’t smile much. So that tells us where you need to start. Begin at home. Don’t just keep a neutral look on your face. Tilt it up into something I like to call a Hint of a Smile. (not a huge smile or an endless grin. Just a Hint of a Smile.) Practice in the mirror to make sure it looks like you’re smiling a bit. You should FEEL the difference immediately! (An authentic smile MUST involve your eyes a bit also) It will improve your mood, give you extra energy and boost your confidence. All with one little smile that takes less than a calorie of effort to make!
Remind yourself about this once an hour so it becomes a habit. This one thing alone will make you MUCH more approachable socially speaking.
Second is to pump up your volume. So, become the captain of your very own cheerleading squad at home. When you’re alone (or if you live with the BF if he’s around maybe explain to him what you’re doing) you can NARRATE your actions as if you’re a TV announcer.
“Looks like it’s gonna be another great DAY for MFRI9521! What OUTFIT will she choose for work TODAY? Oh, THAT one looks GREAT! Wonder what SHOES she’ll pick…” etc. This can be done for any mundane activity, it works great for driving to work too. It’s supposed to be a little bit silly and make you laugh, but the purpose is to get you used to the sound of your own voice being EXCITED about something.
People connect more on emotions/enthusiasm than they do on the actual words. So HOW you say them is important! Important enough to practice at home until you get a very high comfort level being more passionate in your tone and enthusiastic in your expression.
That’s where I’d begin to start growing your confidence.
Good luck!