Lemme start this off by saying this is going to be a selfish post, this is going to be about me and how I feel about this situation. Now saying this, I have comforted her for hours over it and I’m being extra nice to her, so no matter how conceited I may seem in this post just know this is not the vibe I’m presenting her IRL.
So before my girlfriend and me met, she was part of a group of ten or so guy friends. I’m not exactly sure if they were mean to her in the peak of the friendships, but I know near the end they bullied her and treated her like shit almost daily. I’ve seen the end text messages they sent that she showed me, where two different guys were calling her a wh**e who begged for attention and flirted with everyone in the group. She has been sad about them again recently and I thought “Oh, she must be feeling shitty thinking of all the vile messages she got.” But she’s been posting on her rant Instagram that she actually feels hollow and depressed without them. This is striking red flags to me, because in my mind it seems very weird that she’s seems more to MISS this group of guys that treated her like shit, rather than just feel shitty from what they said. Now I’ll be the first to say I’m probably too toxic with my jealousy, even though I hide it well. I just can’t help but feel weird about the fact that she’s saying she’s “Hollow” without a group of guys that treated her like garbage, that she apparently flirted with.
So how should I go about this? Is this actually a red flag or am I reading too much into this? She now has a healthy friend group that’s a mix of guys and girls so it isn’t like she’s isolated
TLDR; girlfriend misses group of past bullies that she apparently “flirted” with and I’m not sure how to feel
9 comments
Have you asked her WHY she misses them?
it’s red flag
and you seem to value different things. looks like you are incompatible
what in the actual fuck
Has she been to therapy to talk about her relationship with this group of friends? Sounds like she needs to examine why she was friends with them, what their dynamic was like, and what is missing from her life now that she is away from that toxic group.
People who post personal rants on social media like that, as opposed to having conversations with the people it’s about, are attention seeking red flags.
Tell her that if she tries to pursue a relationship with the group, that you will ne be around to comfort her when they start abusing her again.
She had a group of guys who treated her like crap but also probably validated her in a number of ways.
Maybe it gave her a sense of place in the world, maybe she felt included, maybe they made her feel special in some way.. Maybe they put her down and raised her up giving her a sense of drama and up and down emotions. Maybe it was exciting.
Who knows.
I dont think anyone on the internet can divine what you should do.. But Id say talk to her and try to understand what it is that shes craving here.. Maybe its something you can live with maybe it isn’t
Id say this is linked to a low self worth, if someone wants to go back to a time where they were bullied. Also could be the belongingness of a group, my guess is she doesn’t have one such now? Being part of a friend group at a young age can become sort of a necessity if that’s what they have been a part of all their life
Toxic relationships are complicated. I know it is easy as an outside observer to say ‘well why don’t they just walk away, why would they want to go back to that’ and what have you. But obviously if it was that simple then abusive and toxic dynamics wouldn’t be a thing, right?
They were her friends. Likely she longed for their validation to a degree and by leaving on bad notes she loses the opportunity to get closure. Maybe they were also just people that despite being toxic were also there for her proximally since I assume they were highschool friends or the people she met in college while she was lonely. Even if toxic them being gone from her life still leaves a huge social gap, one filled by people she had a lot of interactions with, and even if ‘replaced’ the dynamic is not likely the same. Maybe they are just effective at abuse without noticing it, love bombing her and resulting in a trauma bonding dynamic. Etc.
So in a sense I don’t think you’re reading too much into it. It is certainly a problem. I just think you lack insight, which makes sense given you are both young. It isn’t as simple as her ‘choosing’ toxic people, and as you note you yourself are becoming increasingly toxic as well so it is clear that on some level she seems drawn to that. While you might not like the choices she is making you are actually going to be forced to make a choice yourself soon: whatever her motivations for missing them are you happy with the kind of person this is making you become?