Throwaway with some details changed for privacy
**TL;DR:** We ran into my fiance’s ex-wife and her new family at an event, they broke up over him being infertile, now he is shutting me out and drinking heavily
Context: My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. He and I both want children and have fertility issues, so we started IVF two years ago.
He finalized his divorce from his ex-wife/college sweetheart about 5 years ago. The reason for their divorce was him finding out that he would need to do IVF to have biological children. She was not willing to do IVF, so they split. He went no-contact with her after that. She ended up moving away from our area shortly after their divorce.
He was very up-front with me about all of this early in our relationship and didn’t seem to have any lingering feelings or baggage; his tone was very matter-of-fact. He never really brings her up or mentions her, and his friends do the same.
About a month ago we went to a wedding for one of his college friends, and his ex was there. She was very pregnant, and we learned from conversation/mutual friends that this is actually her third child. My fiance seemed kind of off all night at the event, but every time I tried to check up on him he brushed me off.
Ever since then he has become a different person. He has been drinking heavily and shutting himself in his home office for hours at a time. He will barely talk to me and has lost all interest in wedding planning or our IVF process. I have to admit I snooped a bit and saw he was looking her up on Facebook, but she doesn’t use the site anymore so her profile is basically empty. He also tried to message her there but it was unread.
I know the first recommendation from everyone is going to be couple’s therapy or individual therapy for him – we have been before and I don’t see being able to get him to go back anytime soon. I tried to give him space, but it’s been weeks now. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum when he is in this vulnerable state. If anyone could give me insight into his mental state and ideas for how to connect or help I would really appreciate this.
23 comments
He really needs to see someone. Can you ask him to attend a couples counseling session with you? Maybe that can encourage him to unpack this shit in a healthy way.
I don’t know him, and am not thinking I do, but I imagine it was hard for him to face the reality that she was able to find exactly what she wanted in life without him.
Honestly as someone with fertility issues myself, that is the pettiest and harshest reason to divorce someone. I can’t imagine the level of pain that causes, that he literally couldn’t give her what she wanted at no fault of his own.
You have to remember this isn’t about you. That being said, you should sit down and talk to him about the fact that it’s hurtful to you that he’s not interested in working towards your lives together.
As for you, I’d be questioning if he’s mentally healed enough for the pressure of a family and marriage. Based on how shaken he is just from seeing her, it doesn’t seem like he is. As much as he may not want to do it, therapy is a way for him to show he’s willing to work past this for the sake of your relationship. If he’s not willing to do that, do you want to build a life and family with him?
Actually I think the best approach here is some firm aggression. Playing nicely when he is spiraling is often ineffective because he thinks he “deserves” to be miserable.
In your shoes (and admittedly I prefer to be a little more rough when it comes to stopping a spiral) I would say “I don’t appreciate that you proposed to me, we are working on kids, but you seem so obsessed with your ex that I don’t have a place here anymore”.
You should be offended and angry. What he is doing implies that he still agonizing over something he should have gotten over a long time ago and his laziness around addressing it now impacts you and your family.
I won’t speak to therapy because it sounds like you already understand that’s the solution. I’m only saying how you start that conversation. It needs to start with getting him to stop the pity party.
Forget him going to therapy. He’ll go if he wants to and he won’t if he doesn’t. You can’t force him. But YOU go to therapy, definitely. He’s obviously hurting, probably some kind delayed mourning, but you’re getting hurt too. You need support for that and you need taking care of.
I know it’s hard to hit the brakes when you were all excited about a future with him, but the whole marriage/kids thing needs to go on the back burner. It’s not happening with this guy. I am so sorry.
ETA: And for gods sakes, stop the IVF. This drunk, angry man wallowing in self pity and trying to get into contact with his ex is not father material. Not right now. He’s treating you horribly, almost unforgivably so, and you’re worried about pressuring him when HE is vulnerable?! Good lord, aren’t you the one being injected with hormones to get pregnant with his child?! Aren’t YOU the “vulnerable” one here?!
The shock of seeing her pregnant with her third child was probably very painful for him.
To leave someone because of infertility issues is very mean.
I’m sure it reminded him of all of the issues in his life where he feels lacking. And reminds him of what could have been.
I can’t see any way for him to get over this __without therapy.__
You could __encourage him__ to:
■ keep a journal and write down his thoughts – no matter what they are;
■ maybe go for a walk everyday;
■ do self-care everyday;
■ read books on the subject matter (Google is your friend);
■ start an exercise routine;
■ pick up a hobby.
But other than that?
Therapy and talking to a professional is the way forward for him. There are many layers to these issues that need to be ironed out and discussed.
He will heal but it will take time.
Its been weeks. Idk if this vulnerable state is going anywhere anytime soon. If he absolutely will not talk to you, youll need to find a solution to this that doesnt involve him. Clearly he wasnt as over his ex as you thought. But he has a life with you now and dipping out of that for multiple weeks while youre completely in the dark and worried is unacceptable.
Some lyrics from a country song called “Old Flame”:
“You said it ended when she left you
You say your love for me is strong
But those old memories still upset you
Well, I might be a memory before too long.”
Here lies the problem op, he loved her, wanted to have children with her, planned a life together with her, and she destroyed him, and easily moved on and got pregnant by some other guy that was not him.
So, I agree with some of the other comments. You have to take a hard stance, and say the following:
I get it, she was what you thought was the love of your life. But she wasn’t, she left you because of what we are going through. I am here, I am the love of your life because I am wanting and willing to do this with you. So, i expect you to get you head out of your ass right now, and be fully committed to me, or I will go, and you will not have lost one, but two loves in your lifetime. Or you get your head out of your ass, and we continue on this journey I love and cherish everyday with you and I want to have our children. I want to grow old with you, but I will not come second to the thought of that trash you were married to. Ok?
I don’t know if it’s really about his ex. A part of me wonders that this may have more to do with his fertility (or lack there of). I mean, he struggled with his ex to get pregnant and is now struggling with you. He sees her and finds out she’s on her third kid. Maybe he’s worried he’s infertile and won’t be able to have biological kids? Maybe this fear is at a level he’s not ready to acknowledge?
You can’t force people to accept help. You’re already doing what you can. You can only control you. You can only understand what you are and are not willing to do to help and create your boundaries. Know yourself. Know *your* deal breakers. Know when to walk away because it may come to that and you should be prepared for it.
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Just for those who are curious:
Male fertility is more than just sperm count or the physical mechanism of sperm delivery. Life style, age, and genetics play a large role in the sperm quality. There’s also immune infertility genes. Male infertility is really unexplored and lumped into “Idiopathic male infertility”.
Not all abnormal sperm make it difficult to conceive, some make pregnancy risker or even fairly impossible to carry to term. One example that comes to mind is men who have the Big K antigen can usually get their partner pregnant pretty easily but the pregnancy will usually result in a miscarriage.
You need to sit him and and give him tough love as it’s been weeks. Tell him of course it was hard to see her pregnant with her 3rd child, but he’s lost all interest in your life together and he needs to tell you how he’s feeling. Blowing you off is no longer acceptable, time to communicate like the adult he is.
You are still 2nd choice to him if he is still upset about his ex and reaching out when he had closure. Counseling is not going to help with how he feels about her.
He’s angry and hurt. That was suppose to be them, not her pregnant without him. He loves her and is angry about what happened.
As an infertile guy, myself, I think your fiancé is being really stupid. If I had married a woman who left me because it turned out that all she wanted in a partner was a sperm factory and a financial provider for future kids, I would consider myself lucky to have dodged that bullet.
My wife and I wanted children (the old-fashioned way) when we got married, but once we found out I was infertile, we decided to adopt. Our oldest is now 19, and we have an extremely fulfilling family life. We also saved a lot of money by not going down the route of fertility treatments. You don’t need genetically related offspring to have a great family.
The situation your husband is going through feels like a drawn out funhouse mirror of my own experience with post-divorce revelations. A significant part of why my ex and me parted ways was because I wanted to start a family while she wanted to focus on breaking into her field and building up her career. For her children were going to be a distant future thing if they even happened at all. Fast-forward a few years and during a rare moment of interaction between the two of us while were sorting out some business I found out that she was pregnant. Given the role having children played in our divorce you bet it triggered some complicated feelings. That was about ten years ago and it is starting to look like I’m going to be the childfree one even though I wanted to start a family of my own for the longest time. Funny how that ended up working out.
The thing that really helped me find my peace with it was choosing to be happy for my ex. Even though we had our differences and our relationship did not work out in the end, there is a kid out there with a rad mom that loves them to bits. This isn’t necessarily the kind of thing someone would want to hear up front, it’s more like the kind of thing were you have to go through the tunnel to get to the other side. Having someone to talk to would be a big help on that front because dwelling on the feelings and questions that come from this isn’t going to do anyone any good.
What was he trying to message her? I’m sorry, if they have been broken up for five years and you guys are already preparing to start a family, that is not okay behavior.. I agree with other commenters stating you need to be firmer. Not cool to leave you hanging like that.
Updateme!
Very hard position. I often wonder if my SO has unresolved feelings for his ex as well. Often when we find ourselves in these positions, we complicate them. It’s fairly simple honestly. Communicate directly. No soft stuff. If you are satisfied (as much as you can be) then move forward with the life you guys have planned. If he can’t seem to gather himself and have open dialogue then you may have some uncertain times ahead. I’m not here to say his feelings are valid or not, thats a matter of opinion but shutting down and shutting you out is unacceptable. I’m sorry you find yourself here. Best wishes dear
He’s grieving the fact that the women he wanted to have children with now has children without him. I’m sure even though it ended he feels hurt cause this was something he wanted with her. You can help him grieve the process. I know this is not a nice feeling and you should express how it makes you feel and obviously your not trying to hurt him, you are just as human as him and have emotions about this rightfully so. It’s obvious it will take some time and work for both of you. I sorry your in this position but your handling it well. Stay strong🙂✌🏼
You need to tell him straight up you know he’s f****d up over seeing his ex and knowing it’s her third child. If you married a man with common sense, he’ll know being upset over your ex not only five years after being divorced, but while being re-married (?!) is a huge indicator that he has unresolved feelings. You need to make it extremely clear that you understand it may be overwhelming and you want to support him how you can, but if he doesn’t at least acknowledge what’s going it will affect your trust in him for the rest of your relationship. Because trust me, it will
Is there any close friend of his you can reach out so they call him or visit him? Maybe talking to someone else would be easier for him?
He loves her.
Why can’t you just see it????
Why can’t people just admit to themselves that their partner LOVES SOMEONE ELSE
Wtf is counselling supposed to do. Convince him he loves you???
>If anyone could give me insight into his mental state and ideas for how to connect or help I would really appreciate this.
Men are conditioned to be providers from an early age. We are taught that we’re “better” men if we spoil our wives and/or children and our salary often defines us. Some are able to break free of that mentality, but many are not.
He was not able to provide his ex-wife with children (at least not naturally). She left him and gave birth to two with a third on the way. All of his insecurity and shortcomings that he thought he had packed away were unboxed and are haunting him now.
You reference a message he sent his ex-wife, but don’t go into detail as to what it was. Was he asking if she was happy? Was he asking why he wasn’t enough for her? His message is probably very telling about where his head is at and what he is focused on right now.
I don’t know whether a successful IVF procedure will restore his image of himself, but right now he’s only being reminded of what he cannot do and where he falls short. I don’t know how you remind him of the many other great qualities he brings that convinced you to marry him.
Sounds like he was doing fine and then bam she his life shows up at this event and he discovers that she has three kids and all that pain and hurt came rushing back. He definitely needs to talk to a therapist or even a friend as a starting point.