I am starting to feel like I overreacted and irreparably damaged my relationship with my mother.
A few months ago, I overheard a comment my mother’s boyfriend said about me to my mother. It was in response to her asking her boyfriend whether I could help them carry something heavy. He said that he wouldn’t want me to “chip a nail.”
For info, I am male, not the most masculine, and am not straight and I feel like I have the “gay accent”. It felt like it was demeaning in regard to what I mentioned above.
I never told her that I overheard it. But recently she asked if I was coming over for Easter. I saw her in person today and told her no. I don’t want to spend Easter if her live-in boyfriend was going to be there. I told her what I overheard and that it felt hurtful.
I’m in my mid 20s and I said while I don’t mind if they have a relationship, I don’t want to have any relationship with this guy. I would love to see her for Easter, but don’t need/want to forge anything with him.
She got on the defensive and said she doesn’t remember that comment at all. And that her boyfriend is just sarcastic, and sorry if I felt that way. She also asked/commented that when will she ever see me again if I won’t visit because her boyfriend is there.
It made me feel really guilty. Maybe I took it wrong and that it wasn’t malicious. But I had to clear the air and tell her how I felt. I just don’t know. She seemed really offended or hurt by me saying I don’t want to visit her if her boyfriend is around.
Did I overreact? What should I even do from here?
5 comments
No you did not overreact. What the boyfriend said was a put down towards you. It was homophobic and treated you less than a human.
You should call your mom and tell her that even now you will be more than happy to see her without her boyfriend around. Explain to her that him being sarcastic does not make what her boyfriend said was right. Also explain to her that she should be sorry for him putting you down, not you being hurt by the mean-spirited comment. Make sure she knows you are not mad at her.
Tell her that if her boyfriend changes and makes an apology you will be open to having a relationship with him. You should be he is human and if he becomes a better person you should want to have him in your life for he is important to your mom.
Good luck and stand strong. You are in the right and you do not need to take that kind of abuse from anyone, let alone someone who should be supporting you like your mom’s boyfriend.
The subconscious you has a lot going on here. You’re a bit upset that you haven’t got your mom all to yourself. You’re self aware and defensive (which is fine), it just makes your senses slightly heightened. He was joking, however only for his own amusement, which is common in men of his age who are intimidated by things they don’t understand. Don’t cut your mom out to spite him. Spend time with them, you may or may not get on with him. You’re a grown up, you can handle him I reckon.
You didn’t overreact. His comment *was* malicious.
Hopefully your mum will reflect on your conversation and speak to him.
Of course you don’t want to be around someone who will demean you.
You did not overreact, but you should be talking to your mom’s boyfriend directly. If he doesn’t apologize and genuinely change the way he speaks about you, then you have every right to not associate with him. As for your mother, it is not a child’s responsibility to maintain a relationship with their parents. She can come see you without him anytime, or send him away when you come visit. You shouldn’t be the one trying to find a solution for this.
Be the bigger person. He’s clearly not, so that leaves plenty of room for you to be. You’ve articulated that you won’t stand for belittling comments. The ball is in their court, but she IS your mother.