Okay I’m not oblivious. I am a straight white male from an upper middle class background and am fortunate enough to have my parents be paying for my college with money they’ve saved up since I was born, along with my grandpa who worked very hard in his day. I am incredibly lucky to have been born in the circumstances I was and am in no way ignorant of that fact.
Arriving to college last fall, I can confidently say I met the first woman I ever fell in love with. When I met her, she had just gotten out of a long relationship back home so we took it pretty slow over the course of the year. Nonetheless, getting to know her and getting close has been so much fun and I wouldn’t have changed a thing we did over the two semesters to date.
This summer, however, while both living back at home in our respective hometowns, she‘s been jumping at any opportunity she can to remind me of how different my background is than her’s. A few instances to mention:
In June, when I was on a vacation with my family in Hawaii, I sent her some pictures I took while on an ATV tour (Even telling her I wish she was here with me along with). Her immediate reply is to never “flaunt my privilege” at her like that again. I told her I didn’t feel like that’s what I was doing at all, and she tells me I need to be more aware of who my audience is when sending pictures like that.
In July, I joined her and her family at a vacation home they rented for a week. The final night of our trip she tells me how much my privilege has been showing, and if it were her, she’d be “always so so conscious” of how generous an invitation this was. Sure, I didn’t shower her family with immeasurable gratitude the entire week, but I don’t believe I was rude guest at any point. I made sure they knew I was happy to have been invited and hope to do it again. I had a very fun time and enjoyed myself, and made sure they knew that.
And today, she texts with an article naming her city she was born in a top 5 place to live in the US. I reply saying the city where we go to college in isn’t half bad either (literally just me being excited to see her again in a couple weeks), to which she replies “well sure with all of daddy’s money I bet it is the best city for you”. To receive a message like that is annoying, especially when I’ve spent this entire past summer working to have my own spending $$ for groceries, gas, late nights out, and even treating her (my parents generously offered to pay my apt rent last yr, albeit within a certain budget).
Is this a conversation I have with her? I’ve told her I understand my privilege and how not everyone has access to the same opportunities I may have, but there’s nothing I can do about it. The one time I called her out in it, she played the victim saying she never got trips to Hawaii or generous gifts from her parents. If she keeps this up I feel like I’m just going to have to let go, but am also afraid this is a problem I’m going to frequently face in dating at college over the next 3 years.
Sorry if I’m venting here. After today’s message I’ve kinda just reached a tipping point with her haha
21 comments
So her family is well off enough to rent a vacation home for a week with an additional guest, and the city she lives in/was born in is one of the best cities to live in in the US? Sounds to me like she has just about as much privilege as you. Maybe she isn’t getting her college paid for, but you seem like u have a good head on your shoulders and in no way are taking that financial assistance for granted.
You’re both pretty young and it seems like she might not have alot of life experience outside of how she was raised, and what she reads on the internet. Yes it’s good to be aware of privilege, but she doesn’t need to constantly be pointing out how you aren’t up to her incredibly high self aware standards (imo).
Try discussing with her how it makes you feel, that you are aware of your “privilege” in life, but her constantly harping on them is detracting from you sharing your life experiences with her as your gf. Maybe point out some of the privilege she has in her life as well, assuming she’s at the point where she can even register that. If she can’t have that discussion, then she might not be the right person/mature enough for this relationship.
I’m not going to say anyone is wrong or right here, just share my own story because my husband and I have a similar situation, are in our 30s and have made it 6 years going on 7 now, so this is not impossible to overcome.
I grew up in a lower income family. I never thought I was poor by any means but we grew up eating ramen when money was tight, our family vacations were tent camping somewhere within driving distance, we relied a lot on my grandparents to help pay for our housing, etc.
My husband grew up with a dad who worked his ass off, 80+ hours a week, to provide for his family. He was very successful, upper middle class. They own a large house, a boat, paid for his college, and go on cruises and international vacations at least once a year.
I would be lying to say there weren’t times my jealousy reared its ugly head. My husband has told me a few times that he never realized his family was well off until he met mine, especially after I drove him by the house I grew up in. But for some reason, every time his parents send us lavish gifts or brag about their new winter home, it makes me unjustly bitter toward my husband. He’s so kind about my feelings and I have worked hard over the years to not get so jealous, but sometimes it’s just hard.
For us, it just took time. And we had a session of marriage counseling to talk about it. I think it’s important to have an open conversation about it, but please be careful how you have this conversation because these feelings run so deep. Make sure you also don’t bring it up in the heat of the moment. Maybe start with something like “how can I help share my life with you in a way that also demonstrates the respect I have for you and your background?”
It’s not the money that’s the problem. It’s her bitterness and jealousy towards you that is the problem.
What is strange is that her family rented a vacation home for a week, so they do go on vacations.
I think if she is utterly stubborn to change her opinion, and even plays the victim, she is the problem. Her money, family, and vacations aren’t the issue. You should break up with her. Having a jealous partner isn’t a good thing.
If her and her family are privileged enough to rent a vacation home for a week, she’s not doing so bad. It sounds more like jealousy that your family thought of and considered your future, which is a her problem. She really needs to check herself and understand that lashing out at an ally is usually a bad idea, especially if you want a future together. Conversely, she wants you to break up with her to get the sympathy going because the “rich kid” dumped her.
Hey OP. I get you’re young together and trying to figure out life.
This is a great time to talk about communication & boundaries.
You can recognize that she is very sensitive about this topic and while she should be able to have the awareness that your intentions are good, she doesn’t. Therefore you should be more thoughtful in how you communicate and show some of your experiences. EG poor people don’t want someone rich showing them what they’re missing out on (Hawaii trip)
Your girlfriend is really shitty about this. This is not a supportive person. It doesn’t matter if she never received nice vacations or anything, that has nothing to do with you.
The conversation (in my opinion) should be along the context of. “I am really sorry that the differences in our backgrounds hurts your feelings. I really enjoy our relationship and love you as a person. I can try to keep in mind that is a sensitive topic and be more thoughtful in how I talk about my experiences. I do need you to stop bringing it up as an attack on me. It is not my fault that I was born in the family I was in, and I will not let you make me feel bad about it. “
This sounds like a her problem, and I guarantee this will not be the situation with every girl you meet in college. Some people are really touchy with money and love to play the victim. I suggest you set some boundaries with her, tell her that her comments are not okay and that you having money isn’t a slight on her and that you are showing her pictures of your vacation because you want to share your life with you. If she dates you she is dating the whole you money and all and she needs to either embrace that or gtfo. She should be happy for you that your parents are giving you a good life not angry.
This needs to be nipped in the bud, your privilege is not your fault. You aren’t to blame for your parents and family planning ahead, or working hard to get ahead in life, your privilege exists because your family built it on the back of hard work, it didn’t magically appear out of nowhere. Now you can sit her down and have a chat to her about that, or you can say to her that it’s clear her attitude toward you is one of snobbery. She esteems herself to be higher than you by looking down upon your family’s wealth. SMH 🤦🏽♀️ she sounds exhausting.
Listen, I assume your family are likely generous, that you are likely generous. I don’t care what kind of wealth people have as long as they are kind to others and decent human beings. That’s the golden rule. Be kind to others, be a decent person. If you’re those things, she should be proud of you, not attacking your material status.
She’s jealous honey. Leave it. It’ll never change. There are people who complain about those more well off and there are people who do what they have to do in order to reach the status they envy so badly.
She’s the former not the latter. And no you won’t run into the same thing dating this next 3 years of college. Just seek girls who show gratitude for the things in their life instead of mourning shit they never had.
Sounds like an insane liberal woman, best thing to do would be move along and find another
Girl. This one clearly doesn’t respect you and will use this as a vector to attack you when ever she does something wrong. “Oh I deepthroated a guy’s dick and he shot a load down my throat! You’re just privileged and don’t understand I need to fuck many men, deal with it!”
It’s not a money problem
It’s a problem inside of her own heart.
Nothing you do can fix her.
The only thing that can make her better is if a helicopter dumped her in a third world country then picked her up after a week.
Some bitches aren’t ever happy.
Move on OP.
She goes on vacation with her family to a vacation home and she talks about your privilege????? WTF
It’d be different if she had never go on vacation, but already having paid vacation (her parents) and going somewhere is pretty privileged. The median household income is 67,000 and I doubt that’s enough to go on a family vacation, take a kid’s BF, and putting a kid through college. She also lives in one of the top cities “to live” and those are never cheap.
So she is already privilege by being in AT LEAST the top 50%. She is privileged. So she should shut the F up talking for the less privileged.
She’s jealous and bitter and instead of owning that, she’s making this not only your fault but also your responsibility to deal with. Nothing you can do will make her feel less bitter and jealous. She has to do that on her own.
This is who your GF is, and attempting to fix her is a fool’s errand. Wear the mantle of shame, as she demands, or leave. And no, not every college girl thinks this way.
Yeah no she sounds jealous and bitter. I had a friend like this and it never changes. You’ll never be able to hide your privilege enough or prop their ego up enough, because the problem is insecurity within themselves. They cant be happy for other people, they want others to hide their light so they wont feel as bad. They want you to feel bad instead of soul searching why they keep putting you down for things that make you happy. Its insecure and controlling. This is one of the few times I dont empathize with the others shoes because being jealous and bitter IS wrong and a bad way to live life. It makes you miserable. It makes people around you miserable. Do you really want to hide everything you do for fear that itll trigger her shame? My toxic friend was at the point where I couldnt even confide in her that I was at the ER when I was very very sick because she’d still put me down for being privileged enough to be able to go to the ER. People who get that insecure, bitter or jealous have no room in their heart for a relationship. And I used to be like that too, part of why I used to relate to her and other friends like that. But it’s an awful way to live.
Her family rents a vacation home and they live in a too 5 city in the country? What is she going on about privilege for? She seems pretty privileged herself.
She sounds like an incredibly bitter person to be around. You’re young, just move on. People like her will only keep bringing you down and making you feel bad about yourself. It’s the whole “misery loves company” thing. Get out and go enjoy your youth
My husband grew up with a lot of privilege, whereas I had a single (mentally unwell) mother and a dad in prison. There have been a few times I’ve felt the need to remind him that his experiences (travel, never having to worry about money, etc) are not universal, as he seemed confused at people having not had an experience he thought was standard. But I’ve never done it like this. I feel that my husband was lucky to have his childhood, but I certainly don’t resent him for it. I’m sorry someone you love is treating you so poorly.
Self flagellate until you both delete your reddit accounts.
It’s honestly a good thing every once in a while to have your beliefs and convictions tested or looked at from other angles every once in a while. It’s how we grow as human beings.
But this is not one of of those growth or teachable moments. There is nuance and being diplomatic with your issues, and then there’s dumping on a loved one because taking it out on them is easier than admitting you’re just bitter at the world.
Honestly, I’d just suggest taking a break knowing full well she might leave you permanently. Setting aside the racial issues for a moment, you two are obviously not happy in the relationship so something is broken and both of you have likely differing opinions on what that is.
she is toxic walk with caution
You don’t choose where you are born. She is a thunder**** that has no clue what she is talking about. Never feel guilty about your families success. This whole “privilege” thing is just propaganda by those that don’t have and want it for nothing.