Tl;dr : My [21 F] boyfriend [22 M] thinks it’d be smart to separate after graduation because we’ll be in different cities. Neither of us want to split, but we don’t know our other options. We also require different needs in the relationship that may conflict with each other’s needs in the future. Not sure what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and I care about him so much and really see a future with him. He’s the first guy I’ve also met where I wasn’t scared he’d cheat on me because I’ve had past trauma with that and my bf is incredibly understanding and kind.
Here’s a little background, we both go to university together and after graduation he wants to move to one city, but I want to move back to my home city. Both are in the same state, but it’s a 7 hour car ride distance, so we would be long distance. I already know I am the type who is able to persevere through LD relationships but he is not emotionally able to (and that’s not his fault. LD isn’t for everyone and it kinda sucks, but I understand that.) I transferred to the university we go to now partially for him and he feels guilty I haven’t had the best time there – also he didn’t want me to transfer for him and I told him I wouldn’t… That is the reason he doesn’t want me to move with him after graduation to a new city just for him.
We’ve had difficulty saying “I love you” because we’re both scared to say it and his reasoning when I asked him was because of what might happen next year when we graduate. This made me spiral and we talk for a while about everything and he said he doesn’t know if he sees us working long term just because we have different goals in life and may not have the most compatible needs in a relationship. He sees himself struggling to move in with a partner in the future, doesn’t know if he wants kids at all (i do), and doesn’t really care for marriage besides for the financial benefit and if his partner wants to get married. I am also an affectionate person and need words of affirmation and attention and he says he doesn’t know if he can provide that the way I would like. He is very independent and requires personal space, which I totally understand bc that applies to most people, but the fact he doesn’t see us moving in together or lasting long term gets me.
I also don’t want to break up because we’re studying abroad together in the Fall and I just don’t want to be miserable when I should be having an amazing new experience. Right now we are staying together and are just going to enjoy time with each other until we graduate and nothing is set in stone, but I feel like im grieving a break up right now.
I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. I want to detach but I also don’t want to. He also doesn’t want us to break up but doesn’t want either of us to be unhappy in the future. We really do care about each other a lot, just are in different places mentally I guess.
4 comments
You have two options. One, go with his plan of staying together until you both graduate or breaking up with him now. Do not think for one moment that you can change his mind about going to that other city. He does not want a serious relationship. Do not think for one moment that it is worth you changing your mind and moving to that other city back instead of back to your hometown. You should only move for someone because it is the right time in the relationship not just so you can keep the relationship going.
You both have difficulties saying I love you to each other because of the future. That should not be an issue with how you feel about each other. That should be a huge sign to you that there is a great chance he is not the one for you long term. Nothing wrong with being with him until you paths part ways, just be prepare to know that this relationship has an expiration date,
I see how much you love each other, but you are really different people. As hard as it can be to accept it, you’re not compatible in many ways and it could be a point of arguments or disagreements in the future that could lead to an unhappy relationship, And, as you said, your boyfriend is not emotional capable of having a LD relationship. In my opinion, the best you can do for both of you is breaking up. It sucks but you can try it in a future if you see y’all have changed and agree in more things/live near.
He’s trying to let you down easy
I think you should talk to and try to understand more about why he’s scared to move in, or move in with you, why he doesn’t believe in marriage etc. Human nature is to avoid topics that can cause disagreements, but if you show understanding and attentiveness, he just might change his mind. Or you might help him see a different perspective. But don’t go in expecting to change his mind, go in trying to understand truly where he’s coming from. You might find out his reasons have merit and maybe you’ll reconsider it too. Or he will find you an excellent and attentive partner and make an exception for you.
For example I didn’t want a relationship or marriage at first because I thought I’d have to pay for a lot of things or do a lot of housework. When I communicated this it turns out the other person was eager to pay for things and that they didn’t mind if I was messy. If this was not communicated, they would have thought I just didn’t like them or something. I’m also a very independent person who needs lots of space, but I can see myself moving in with someone if we are able to afford a big place where I can have my own office and stuff. I would not move in with someone if it was to another tiny apartment. Well, I guess that’s why they say relationships are about compromise. Sometimes you can both get what you want. Like I know a friend who didn’t want to get married. But for many people they mean “not right now” or “not under these circumstances” and not “never”. Also when a person starts showing how much better your life would be with them in it than without you start thinking “hmm okay I could maybe change my views on that.”