A hopeless breakup I can’t get over

I (21F) just got out of my first real long term relationship (2 years). This person (22 M) was in my life so deeply that everywhere I look I get reminded of them. I don’t want to live where I do because that’s all I can think about. We were long distance, they studied abroad and so did I so we would visit each other every couple months during our breaks and spend a couple months stuck to each other before having to leave again. This person was my rock and my everything. I gave them everything. I cannot deny we didn’t have problems, we both messed things up for each other. We had traumas which shaped the way we acted and we expected the other to selflessly change to fit our own narrative. We both made mistakes and I pushed them away with my actions, thinking that I was actually supporting them and being there for them. But in reality I was pressuring them and cornering them. All I want right now is to have them back but I know it cannot happen. I didn’t know about attachment styles until this relationship because I never had a problem before this relationship. My person had an avoidant attachment style and I had a secure one, until the hard times came and I totally lost all logic I had and deeply crashed into a strong anxious style. It was the first time I ever had anything this strong in my life and the thought of loosing it killed any sanity I might’ve had before that moment. I know if I ever had a hope to get them back I need to first get over them, but the problem is I don’t want to. I don’t want to let go of my feelings for them. I’m scared that my motive to get over them just so that I can get them back will just make my pain worse in the future, but I don’t know how to solve it because the only motivation I have right now to heal and get better is the though that once I heal I might be able to reach out to them again. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I can’t go on right now. If I got back together with them it would at least be a couple months to a year. Actually in reality many years. I relied on this person for so long I can’t imagine my life without them. I wish I could talk to them right now but I can’t because I need to respect their boundary for space that I never did in the past. I’m also scared that if I move on and get better this person still wouldn’t want to be in my life. What if I do all of this work and they move on too? I feel like I’ll never find someone better, and that my whole life will be comparing the people in my life to this relationship. Why am I holding on so deeply to a relationship that hurt me so much? Every good moment we had out shadowed any bad thing that could’ve happened in my eyes. They probably don’t even care right now and feel actually relieved that this is over. I feel so pathetic. I wish I could just go back in time, if I didn’t do one small thing we probably would’ve been together right now, and maybe I would’ve been able to heal with them together. That’s all I wanted, was to be able to work through our problems together. How could they give up everything we went through before this and give up after such a small thing? I mean I actually know exactly the reason but I don’t want to admit to it. I don’t know how to heal for myself and I feel like I’m going to loose myself because of it. I have amazing friends who have been there for me since the breakup and I’m pretending to them I’m getting better, but every night when I go back home I am still holding on to my ex’s things and I can’t delete the photos or the memories. I’m just stuck. I know people would say that I’m young and I have a lot more people to meet, but why does that feel like a harder journey? A whole lifetime knowing what I lost and never getting it back.

TLDR; long term relationship ended and I don’t know how to heal for myself and not them