This will be long so I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. But I need to know if I am acting crazy, or if my feelings are valid.
Some background:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 10+ years. During year 3, we had a bad break up which involved him emotionally cheating on me and liking one of our mutual friends (not my best friend) who he was talking to every day and who he was very close friends with. I became pretty insecure and started saying who he could/couldn’t talk to and had trust issues. He resented me for controlling who he could be friends with. We broke up, got back together, worked through our problems, and have been smooth sailing since. We’ve bought a house together, and basically know we’re going to marry each other. We communicate well with each other and have an extremely healthy relationship despite everything that happened in the past.
Me and my boyfriend have a close-knit group of friends including my best friend and her boyfriend who have also been dating long term (11+ years). We hang out with these friends very often, average about once to twice a week. Let’s call my best friend Z to make it easier. My boyfriend and Z are very close. They talk pretty often and I’ve always known they talked a lot, and never had any issues with it.
That is, until a couple of months ago. We went on a trip with friends including Z. During the trip, Z mentioned to the group that she is open for a 3some (not inviting us to it… just responding to a question about her sex life). Then either that same day or the day after, me and my boyfriend were getting intimate. During the middle of it, he randomly asks me if I want to have a 3some, to which I say no. I thought it was weird but basically brushed it off.
Then recently, he and Z have been hanging out together on their days off. They’ve hung out twice together just them two. One of the days, another friend was invited but did not come. The other day, he dragged her to the gym even tho she doesn’t normally gym. And another evening I had plans, so they had dinner together. He made her dinner because she requested it and said she was lazy to cook that day. And because of these outings, it has just been sort of bugging me how often they talk to each other. They talk almost every day through text. He said sometimes they will go up to a few days without talking and they don’t text all throughout the day. But they still text almost every day. I don’t talk to her through text often, but I don’t often text any friends typically so not a great comparison. Normally, he will always be the one to instigate the conversation with her. He’ll talk about random things or ask what she’s up to or what her plans are for that day or the upcoming week. And he doesn’t ask in order to coordinate a hang out. He asks because he wants to know what she’s doing. Once she told me he texted her at 130am out of nowhere (he stays up late). Sometimes they will talk about me and things going on in my life, because when I will go to hang out with her, she will ask me about something that I hadn’t told her about yet. And that has happened multiple times so I know they talk pretty often. And then I thought about the 3some thing more and how it was weird that he brought up the 3some pretty much right after she had brought it up, and it made me think that he wanted to have a 3some with her.
I already had a talk with my boyfriend about everything I’ve been feeling, but it honestly didn’t reassure me much. He says that the 3some wasn’t specifically about her, and he just wanted to get my opinion on it in general since he was open to it. But I think it’s weird that it wasn’t “specifically about her” because if I had said yes, wouldn’t Z be the first person in mind to have a 3some with since she literally just brought up the topic? He also says he just talks to her often because she’s a close friend. Which I totally understand that he can have female friends and talk to them. He has other female friends that he talks to and I am fine with it. But the amount they talk seems excessive to me. He said he’s just a social guy, but he doesn’t talk like that with anyone else. Heck, before we moved in together, I don’t even think me and him texted each other that often. We always had to have calls at the end of the night to update each other on our day/week.
I feel like nothing was really resolved in our talk. He offered to talk to Z less if I wanted to (I never asked him to). I don’t want him to do that because 1) I don’t want to ruin their relationship if I am just acting crazy, and 2) I don’t want him to resent me again for being “controlling” even tho I’m not controlling his relationship with her. I know they’re not cheating. It just feels weird with the timing of everything and the excessiveness of everything. I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve been hurt before in a similar situation with him that I am acting crazy. Or are my feelings in this valid and he needs to set some boundaries with Z?
TLDR: my boyfriend and my best friend are very close friends and it makes me uncomfortable due to similar issues in the past. am i acting crazy or are my feelings valid?
2 comments
Totally understandable to be uncomfortable here, though I don’t know that you should necessarily do anything about it. I’m a guy in my mid 30s so not too much older than him, and I had quite a few female friends growing up that I tended to be closer with in many ways than my male friends. Given that you said he also has other female friends I’m guessing there may be some similarities between us. Girls are just easier to talk to, guys don’t really text each other, or call, or really anything. Communication between guys is very utilitarian, as in make plans to see each other and not much else.
But obviously it’s not just that he has female friends that you’re worried about, there is specific things about this friendship that make you nervous, and I can see why. Texting each other that often isn’t bad, I actually wish I had someone I was comfortable texting that much to, it would be awesome, but I get that it would definitely feel uncomfortable from your position. The texting at 130am is similarly understandably concerning, but if they’re that close then yea, I could see somebody texting their best friend at weird hours of the night if they’re normally up.
A potential red flag is when you say it’s always him instigating the conversation. That doesn’t really sound like the two of them are on the same page here. You’d want a little more balance if their friendship was as close as he seems to think it is. What’s her perspective on that? Is he coming across as annoying to her, what’s up with him always instigating conversations?
The 3some thing is probably the least concerning of the whole lot. 3some is a pretty common fantasy, and yea I agree she would be the obvious third here, because she said she’s open to it. He probably just saw a potential opportunity for a 3some and took a shot, he likely would have done that if almost literally any other girl had said they’d be open to a 3some too, she just happened to be the one to say it.
I’m going to be honest, I’m kind of a crazy suspicious person but this seems mad weird. I’d be on high alert but idk if that means anything