Hi!
Been talking to a girl. She is a bit « chubby », but I think she is really cute. I think she is beautiful and even if it’s not my type usually, I like her body.
However, I know it’s not the type of my friends. And of course they don’t have a saying in who I date and I don’t date to impress them. But I know that they might have this kind of judgment if I date a girl they don’t really physically find attractive.
They aren’t judgmental and I don’t care who they date, but I just have that in my mind. I don’t want this to stop me from being attracted to someone I like.
How do I change my mindset? I feel like an asshole even thinking about that.
33 comments
Stop caring about what your friends think and do what makes you happy you dingbat. If you’re ashamed of your lover you shouldn’t be with them
chubby/overweight — trivial if that’s merely the situation, and if she’s active she could as healthy as pretty much anyone, but:
Is she, obese (unhealthy)? Grossly obese (very unhealthy)? As those are *serious* concerns imo.
And this is where you separate the men from the boys.
Be happy for yourself, makes others opinion less relevant
Remind yourself that it’s about you, not others. If you two are genuinely happy just giv’r
uhhh if you’re worried about that then you don’t really like her
There are a lot of men that want to impress their friends more than they want to be happy. What is your priority: having a woman that your friends will disrespectfully objectify or being with someone that makes you happy? You can be a douchebag or you can be happy.
It’s normal to feel peer pressure (no matter how old you are) and you’re to fighting its’ influence. Kudos.
Be proud of her and your relationship and they’ll respect you for going after what you want. Act insecure about the number on the scale and you’ll feel more real, or imagined, pressure.
Lol you have shitty friends if you’re too afraid to bring your girl around them because they will judge her. My friends and I openly discuss our different tastes in women. I tend to like thicker women, one friend likes taller women, one friend likes smaller / younger women, but we all respect each other’s preferences.
Are you dating the girl or are you dating your friends? Why do you care what others think of her if you like her?
I have a couple of questions for you, first off why does your friends opinions on who you’re seeing matter? It’s not for them to find attractive but for you. My final question is if they were being judgemental and shitty over something like that are they truly friends you want around? I think I know the answer to that.
Your friends sound like assholes
You’re dating someone to make yourself happy, not to impress a group of people. Don’t live the life they want you to have but the one that makes you happy
If they ever do disrespect her, you should set a good example for them by standing up for her.
Just dump her so she can find someone who isn’t embarrassed of her.
You just said your friends arent judgemental.
I think you’re projecting your thoughts onto your friends. Basically, it sounds like you genuinely arent attracted to this girl and you’re trying to convince yourself that you arent a shallow person by making it sound like you think your friends might not like her appearance.
Man up. If you dont find her attractive, then have the decency to break up with her now and stop stringing her along.
Im getting the sense that you are settling for someone out of desperation. Imagine if you were dating a really hot girl and your friends talked shit. You wouldn’t even care and would just assume they were jealous. I think you care in this case because deep down you are ashamed of yourself and they are just poking at that insecurity.
She deserves better
Think about your goal in talking to/being with someone. Is it to impress your friends, or to have a relationship with someone you like? As long as you like her, that’s what matters. Don’t change who you are or who you like just because you think someone else might feel a way about it. How do you feel about it?
It’s a difficult situation because a lot of the replies say don’t care what they think etc…. But I take it as you know for sure your friends will talk shit and you will have to repeatedly defend yourself and it will be daunting and unrelenting… because you know for a fact that you will get it this puts pressure on you mentally. I think it’s important to recognize that it’s hard to stay strong but you have to be able to be honest and lay down the fact that you won’t put up with their shit if they start in on you. If you can muster up the balls I think you will be ok.
Important question for yourself: what matters more and what do you think of this person you’re dating?
What matters more to you; How you feel and what you want? Or what your friends and others think and their opinions? If you answered your friends and their opinions, you need to do some soul searching on yourself or something. What matters most in YOUR life, is what makes YOU happy, so why should what others say or think change what you want for yourself if it’s what makes you happy. If you genuinely enjoy being with this person and think they’re beautiful, that’s what would it matter what others say, even if it’s the entire world telling you the person you’re with is the ugliest person in the world, if you both love each other and there’s no genuine reason you can’t be together, be with them, enjoy your time with them.
Second important question; What do you think of the person you’re with? This is an important question, cause what matters is how you feel about this person, if you’re having doubts or second thoughts, then question why your having these, question on why they’re happening. Is it because you don’t know got you feel about them? Is it because of what others say? Is it because you’re thinking/worrying over what others are saying/might say?
How you feel and think about the person you’re with is important, and it’s important not to let others pollute those thoughts. Just think of how YOU feel, THAT’S what matters.
If you love this person or are genuinely interested in a relationship, go for it and continue, why let other thoughts stop you from being happy with someone you want to be with.
Sorry it’s so long
TLDR: don’t worry about what others say or might say, what matters is how you feel, and if you want to be with them, be with them.
hey OP. i know what you’re saying. it is hard when we’ve been culturally programmed to think like this. i think the best way is to really own how you feel and if you ever talk with friends or family, just proudly and genuinely tell the world just how cute she is to you. they’ll be so stoked for you and their reaction will begin to help rewire some of the thoughts you have going on. and if anyone reacts in any way besides “so happy for you bro!” then you need to reevaluate whether that’s someone you want to be hanging around as much because that’s not really what a friend would do. you know what i mean?
definitely keep talking to her! it sounds like the beginning of a good thing. best of luck!
Are you dating her or everyone else?
Or simply think they are jealous because none of them have girlfriend(or boyfriend) like you do.And if one of them really wanted your gal…sir,you have yourself a rival to compete with.
Your friends aren’t dating her 💀
I was in that exact same position not too long ago. I’m dating a girl who is also a bit chubby. And like you, she’s usually not my type but I like her anyway. The only advice I can give you is to talk about her a bit less (to your friends) and keep telling yourself that it’s not about them, it’s about you and her. And if they are friends they shouldn’t judge you but support you in that you found a girl you like.
Who will make you happier long term?
Well, it’s important what the people who are close to you think about your choices. Because you want to feel accepted and you want to know your partner is accepted.
For my group of friends, slightly chubby but still within normal weight BMI would be okay, overweight BMI would be a hard no.
How old are you? This is incredibly childish. If you’re that worried about what others think you shouldn’t be dating her. It’s really not fair on her.
I’d honestly hate to think the person I was dating was worried about her friends thoughts on my appearance.
Youre saying your friends aren’t judgemental, if that’s true, then clearly it’s you who is judgemental.
How do I change my mindset? I feel like an asshole even thinking about that.
I feel that, when I reject girls because they are too chubby for me, like I dont wanna be the asshole, but everybody has preferences
First off, are you together with this person just to feel being in control of her? Also just being together with someone to ease up your loneniness is already a bad sign right there. You dont need to share common sport interests as long as you feel fine about your relationship overall and in turn that same feeling should be there when you are together with your friends bringing your girlfriend around them.
Are you bringing up this question based on how your friends partners have reacted to your friends gatherings which you have occationally attended? Are you scared that your partner might connect far better than you do with your friends community to that point your will feel that you will be left out?
Other’s opinion of someone your inlove with shouldn’t count! I’m a girl and that’s a red flag for me! You should care more about your bae and not what other’s think
Hello! First of all, I get what other posters are saying about not worrying about what your friends think and all that. And I also want to kind of reassure you that you are not inherently an asshole for even worrying about this.
I am a fat woman. I’ve always been fat (or chubby, or curvy, or whatnot – but fat is an okay word). The reason many woman don’t say that they are fat is for the same reason that you are worried about what your friends will think. Fat, in our western culture, doesn’t just mean “someone with a lot of adipose tissue” – society has given it lots of other shitty and inaccurate meanings. It becomes an insult. A shorthand for lazy, sloppy, ugly, pathetic, stupid, desperate and other stuff.
So people don’t want to identify as fat, and people don’t want to be judged by others as “lowering their standards” or whatever by dating fat people. But the things is, fat isn’t unattractive. Plenty of men – including yourself? – find fat people attractive. I’ve never had a problem finding someone to be physically intimate with. But here is where the damage happens…
Growing up, all I’ve heard is how thinner is better. That I’m defective or less than because I am heavy. That I am not worth much because of it. That I’d be treated better if I was thin, be able to ask for better treatment. I’d be more desirable and human if I was thin and pretty. We fat girls are already well versed in hating ourselves and apologising for ourselves.But it’s not the cultural environment alone that does the damage. Among the worst experiences I’ve had was dating men who obviously found me attractive, were sexually very interested, but who kept me a secret. As in, they didn’t want to go out with me in public or have me meet their friends or add me on Facebook, but were happy to basically use me and waste my time. And all I took away from it was that I was something to be ashamed of, embarrassed of. Okay for sex, but not as a girlfriend.
What I’m trying to say here is that it’s not unusual to worry about what your friends might think. Its the culture we live in. BUT. BUT…
If you like this girl and want to date her, date her. Do it wholeheartedly the way you would with a girl who was thin. Don’t keep her a secret, don’t use her. If you can’t do that, or if you need to “work up to it”, do the girl a favour and leave her be. Don’t tank her self esteem. She deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her in every sense, and who is not embarrassed to be seen with her.
As folk said, you’re not dating your friends. Would you judge them for dating a fat chick? If you would, then maybe work on the attitudes that society has led you to develop. Would you want your pals to be happy, even if they were with someone you or society deemed unattractive? Of course you would. And if your friends wouldn’t do that for you then they’re not really your friends.
TLDR; your worries about being judged are most likely borne of the society we live in. You can educate yourself about that. If you decide to date this girl, then do it wholeheartedly. Only do it if you can treat her the same way you’d treat anyone else you dated. Don’t mess with her head and ruin her self esteem by getting involved with her but finding excuses to keep her a secret. We are not silly – we will know if you are ashamed or embarrassed by us, and it will cut deep. Fat women are attractive – so is a man secure in his attractions.