Me (25m) and my wife (26f) have a very happy marriage. We’ve been practicing our communication skills now that we’ve finished couples counseling, and are very happy with the life we’ve made with eachother. (Together for almost 5 years)
While we do have the occasional fights, we always make up in the end and go back to being happy. However, I’ve noticed that after we resolve an argument, I’ll think back to the thing I apologized for, and realize that we’ve been in a similar situation, just with reversed roles, yet she wasn’t in the wrong that time.
When I bring these up to her she usually tells me that “it’s different”, and usually it makes sense, but I’m not sure. Would it be okay if I posted a few of these double standards and you guys can let me know if I’m being dramatic?
– She got mad at me for not being available to go on vacations with her during summer because I had a big 7-month project I was working on, even though the last 4 years we haven’t been able to spend time together at all because she’s in a really difficult art school
– She gets mad at me because I haven’t been eating healthy, and she told me “I know you won’t do it unless I tell you to”. But when I brought up the fact that I always initiate intimacy, and she’ll never initiate unless I bring it up, she said that was different as well.
– I’ve cut contact with my dad because of the way he treats my wife, but when I tell my wife I don’t like the way her parents treat me she always says “it’s because they’re old, they don’t mean it”
I just want to make sure I’m not crazy, and these actually are double standards
TL;DR: Wife gets mad at me for things that she’s also done to me, but says it’s different when I call out double standards.
5 comments
The second one is absolutely not a double standard.
The parents really depends on what they are doing. Not all bad behavior is the same.
The first one sounds like a one time annoyance
Have you found yourself being angry at perceived hypocrisy in the other person in previous relationships?
I think it’s good you have validated your perception of a double standard, and are willing to stand up for yourself.
But beware…look at yourself and make sure that you are not in a triggered state of resentment, and that this resentment is not impacting your current space with her. To help, bring it up with the intent of resolution, not continuation of that story, and notice if your imagination is twisting it and taking it further. Keep checking in with yourself to see if there’s evidence for your theories of what’s going on.
it’s different when she does it because her goal here is that she gets what she wants. Her making excuses benefits her, you making excuses does not. In short, yes, there is a double standard.
The first sounds like an unfortunate situation on both ends that is neithers fault and doesn’t deserve anger from either of you. I guess it’s a bit of a double standard but a little empathy from both of you would go a long way for that one.
The second is not a double standard, it’s not even really the same planet.
The third really depends on what specifically is being said and done. However, I do think that it needs to be strictly a choice and neither of you should ask or pressure the other to do that.
That second point is ridiculous & a complete false equivalency.