My (23m) girlfriend (3 months together, very recently started having intercourse) zones out during sex and doesn’t have much of an explanation about why she reacts that way.
We have have not been having penetrative sex for long (about 3 weeks), but she reacts very differently to it than other forms of sex. When I penetrate her, she kinda slowly zones out and disengages from the act after a few minutes. The first few times she seemed normal (or I guess what seemed normal to me, we were both virgins), she would grab me, kiss me, etc. She still grabs me and kisses me back but doesn’t do much on her own.
Last time, during missionary, she turned her head to the side and kinda went full-body limp. I stopped and asked whether she was feeling OK, if she was enjoying and her initial response was a “huh?” like wasn’t even paying attention, then she replied she was enjoying it and wanted to continue, then I said she didn’t *look* like she was enjoying it and instead looked bored as hell.
Then she was “babe, don’t say that, come on, let’s keep going” but for me the mood was dead. Then we had a discussion about how she zones out and her body goes limp, and the first thing she did was deny she does it, even though she clearly does. After asking her why she reacts like this and her initially denying she does, she finally said she doesn’t know why.
So I asked how she feels when she does that and she said she didn’t know how, but later said she sometimes has a hard time staying focused and feeling the sensations. I asked if she knew why this happened and she got angry and said “I don’t know, jesus, can you stop now?”.
So, discussion didn’t go any further after that. I apologized for maybe being too pushy about the questions and she accepted it, but I still don’t know why she’s acting like this or what to do about it.
How to start figuring this out?
6 comments
Has she ever mentioned being the victim of sexual assault (SA) before? If she was a victim of SA before then disengaging could be her way of coping with what’s happening, you having sex with her, at the time.
Maybe she’s having seizures? She could get that checked out
I do this. Focus is hard to maintain due to my adhd and trauma (causes dissociation from the body). Gender dysphoria causes dissociation too. I get really withdrawn, go limp, can’t work up strength to lift my arms.
Does she have a history of sexual trauma? This sounds like the dissociation that can sometimes occur as a trauma response for SA victims.
It’s also possible that the penetrative parts of sex just aren’t as pleasurable for her (which is extremely common – most women get off from clitoral stimulation primarily or exclusively) and that could be manifesting as her zoning out/seeming disengaged. Adding clitoral stimulation might help.
Has she ever been abused sexually that could be why ?
That sounds like dissociation. It’s a defensive mechanism for prolonged and/ or childhood trauma. There’s a large spectrum of disorders tied to it. If it is this, don’t push for answers too hard. She may not even remember anything.