Just gonna preface it with: I am in therapy and I am doing much better, posting this just so I can get some additional info and/or inspiring stories.
My problem is, the moment I get closer to somebody I start paying way too much attention to the tone of their texts and often read too much into innocent statements, both online and in person.
I also start worrying about what I say, so this goes both ways unfortunately š I sometimes overexplain just to avoid miscommunication and then get anxious about overexplaining.
I no longer act on these anxious feelings, or at least it happens very rarely, but the uncomfortable emotions are there. And I’m pretty sure they affect my relationships, albeit less intensely than they did when I thought they were real.
Do they ever go away? If so, how and when did that happen for you? If not, how do you deal with them?
41 comments
Read into spirituality.
Eckharte tolle
Michael a singer have some good books and advice on it.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
With unfiltered confidence about every situation Iām in! Really itās the best way to live carefree lol.
Thoughts and feelings are two different things.
Feelings are not facts, Donāt feel every thought.
There is no harm in thinking of every possibility under Murphyās law, so long as one is aware that every imagination is only a narrative of your mind.
I honestly just realized Iām not that important and that generally most things work out the same whether I over think or not.
This realization came over time. Then I reflected on all the things I thought I majorly over thought/stressed about and realized that I pretty much over reacted or read into things that were not there.
I would suggest reflecting on past instances when you know you over thought. Itās easier to look at things more clearly when they are in the past/resolved one way or another.
Nothing helps like writing down everything that comes to mind. It’s a temporary solution but it works for me the best
Edit: also helps me process things more logically
The truth is you don’t ever really stop overthinking. It’s all about learning to handle these thoughts.
In my experience, practicing mindfulness helped a lot. In short, it’s all about acknowledging that thoughts come and go and that you have no control over them. What you do have control over is how you react to them. Don’t let them become your reality!
Mindfulness really helped me get better and identifying which thoughts were baseless fears and anxieties. I really think its worth a try as there are lots of free resources such as apps, websites, books, and youtube videos all about this topic!!!
A while ago there was a reddit post i saw which basically said: Thoughts are just thoughts. Feel that shit, understand that shit, but don’t lose your shit.
You got this šŖšŖ its all about taking one step at a time and remembering that life isn’t a race! It’s a journey and there’s nothing wrong with going at your own pace.
I overthink so much. Usually happens when I have don’t have much else going on to keep me occupied. I’ve sabotaged more than a few relationships because I am creative. So these days, when I start to over think things or start dwelling on every word, action, or gesture I will throw myself into hobbies, projects, tasks, or even volunteering. We’re talking about doing more than one at a time, as many as it takes until I stop focusing or have the time to focus on the little details that drive me crazy.
Just age and experience for me.
When you realize you hardly remember the people you used to obsess over, itās hard to get as invested in the happenings of today.
This too shall pass.
For context, I am 40. Ask me why I was so hurt by / infatuated with / etc for any person I had strong thoughts about in my teens. No idea. Try again for my 20s, I vaguely remember some things, but not enough to cause emotions today. By my 30s, I was already starting to realize that today neednāt be so emotional or invested, because it would seem like a whole lifetime away soon.
Friends, jobs, boyfriendsā¦it all changes and life is long (and short). Breathe. In with anger, out with calm.
Thereās a line in one of my favorite books where the main character has been going full throttle her whole life. She crashes a plane and wakes up in a strange place to a beautiful man full of calm. Her first words are, āwe never had to take any of it seriously, did we?ā
The answer is ānoā, not really. Take your growth seriously, everything else is just moments in time.
you use mindfulness, which to summarize, is “observing” your own thinking, and notice that you might be overthink or think one way that you would rather not.
Fill your life up with other things and practice the discipline of meditation. You can just let what comes go and watch thoughts from a distance and merely notice a just another thought, that distance allows you spaceā¦ You can choose to respond to it or just notice itās a thought and will pass like all other thoughts do.
Exposure.
Used to spend hours over analysing minutes of a conversation.
When have hours of conversations for weeks it’s too much to analyse and so you brain just decides to let go.
That and practise, you realise nobody cares when you make a mistake so there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.
The overthinking has never stopped, and honestly at this point I donāt want it to. I think having an analytical mind is a useful tool. Iāve gotten better at reacting to it, but sometimes I still fall victim to the anxiety, although itās less frequent these days. Meditation has helped tremendously. There are a few guided meditations that I do regularly, specifically [this one](https://youtu.be/EpVFSti0Ydg). Iāve done this meditation so many times that now, when Iām in a overthinking situation, I can recall the thought process from this meditation and put it into practice real time by being aware of the thoughts in my head, and consciously letting them pass by without reacting to them.
Started jerking off and falling right asleepr afterwards.Helps everytime
Get on steam, look up the game playne, use it daily. Through meditation you’ll come to realize that your anxiety is external to you, you aren’t your anxiety, you are exposed to elements that make you react that way. The same way a metal gets hot when exposed to heat. The metal isn’t inherently hot. Being aware of this will allow you to not get lost and overwhelmed in anxiety. It’s like realizing you don’t need to be lost in the forest to see the trees, you can look at them from outside
Also work out, follow a daily a routine and make checklists
I went through the exact same thing – the way I dealt with it was truly listening to what other people have to say. Trust me as humans we can tell when someone’s energy is focused on other things. Just try and be in the present with what they are saying, and your response will naturally arise
I’m personally still working on this, but I like to Uno reverse myself. If I’m worried about something with another person, I ask how I would feel if we swapped places. Would I have the same fears, doubts, or expectations?
Example: I’m scheduling something with a friend, but we never discussed a time to meet up. The conversation has been wrapped up, and I’m self conscious about asking, because maybe they already stated or even implied when we will meet and will see me as a fool for not following properly. Uno reverse. If the other person asked me what specific time we were going to meet, I wouldn’t be upset at all. If anything, I’d be appreciative that they want to get the details right.
Also, I’ve had to learn that it’s not my job to manage other peoples’ thoughts, emotions, and responses to what I say and do. I used to think there was a way to be convenient enough for others that I would never hurt them, and I could avoid confrontation for myself. This is unrealistic. If they get to exist and take up emotional/physical space, then so do I. I don’t want to go out of my way to hurt anybody, of course, it’s not a reckless reversal of the switch, but it is trusting those around me to be communicative and understanding, so long as I’m also open to that communication and understanding towards them. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it for those relationships you cherish.
It all takes practice. Your being in therapy and learning to sit in the discomfort caused by over thinking is very admirable, and it sounds like you’re on a great path! I wish you lots of luck and happiness on your journey š¤
A weird thing from Lacan where he described anxiety (well angoisse) as the “lack of lack”, that basically you can’t accept lack in your life and so you start making things up to fill up the lack and this activity is what makes you anxious.
Before that, I always thought a fundamentally anxious person, and if I started overthinking I thought it was “anxiety” that caused it and the overthinking was a result. Now if I start overthinking, I manage to stop by telling myself that overthinking is the cause of anxiety, not the other way around, and that if I keep doing it it’ll only get worst.
Let me think about that, Iāll get back to you.
Effexor
For me therapy didn’t work much I went on about a year and a half a few years ago…now I’m not saying it didn’t help me at all,just not much I also think the person I went to wasnt the right one and after that I just went about my ways trying to understand myself better all by myself,that being said…..I just started ignoring others the way they ignored me,talking to them the way they talked to me ,be interested when I felt I was interested and stop when I felt like stopping whatever it was ,now i just live like ” you know what dude? You’re a wholesome and interesting person on your own take your time and let things happen good and bad you’ll get the fuck through “…I still have days when I overthink and feel like I’m dying and that everything is too much but from those feelings going on EVERY SINGLE DAY it went to be once in a while which is acceptable and it’s ok!
Try to recognize when you are overthinking. There are probably smarter people who will give advice on how to. Then, take a deep breath and try to move on, either by talking through it with someone, or doing something distracting.
If I’m stuck on a decision, I flip a coin, and either follow the coin or I can see which decision I was actually hoping for. It helps resolve stalemates for me.
I try to accept that I might make a bad decision and that’s totally fine too. Thinking about it right now won’t help it, so I just hope for the best. Sometimes it works, sometimes it flops. I mean, it was the same way before, just with more anxiety.
This doesn’t sound really useful, but I think that anything actually helpful is probably going to be a professional medical advice.
IMO it’s about the complex techniques of handling anxiety and that’s a whole story, as I’m sure you know.
I think for me, Iāve been so used to loneliness for so many years (Iām 22), that I just inherently overthink things or the way people feel about me because the experience of loneliness and negativity carries over.
The expectation in my subconscious is probably the fear that things will go back to my personal mean: feeling and being lonely in a whirlwind of negative thoughts and emotions.
On a very practical level : **you can try to communicate more transparently.**
I often donāt get sarcasm, donāt know if Iām interrupting, worry that what I said was clumsy and hurtful, or wonder if Iām having a flirty conversation vs a friendly one.
So I just ask.
Honestly, it works everytime. I donāt care anymore if it sounds naive. At least I know precisely whatās going on.
And Iāve been thanked for asking Ā« **Is it an appropriate time to talk about this ?**Ā» or Ā« **Did I hurt you when I said that ?**Ā».
Regarding flirting, some might say that asking explicitly can *kill the vibe*. But I did start relationships by saying Ā« **I like you, and I feel like you might tooā¦**Ā Ā», and Ā«Ā **Can I kiss you ?**Ā». Maybe it wouldnāt have happened if I stayed in my head, trying to analyze the situation.
If you find yourself overthinking and stressing over something (that doesnāt involve something you have to do like pay a bill or something important that must get done) that you really have no control over, like a past conversation with someone, it helps a lot to distract your thoughts with something else. You have to train your mind to change the direction of your thoughts by starting out with physical, deliberate changes. For instance, like listening to a podcast while you do housework or other activities. You could go on a walk/jog and use bluetooth and earbuds or a headphone to listen to the podcast or an interesting talk radio program, or at home turn on the radio and listen to a talk station, itāll bring your thoughts onto another subject. Watch an interesting, educational YouTube video if you realize youāre obsessing too much, or you could call someone up and chat, discuss the thing that worries youā¦itās good to vent with a close friend or family member at timesā¦or donāt discuss it and talk about other things. You could get involved with other activities with other people too, like hobbies or volunteering to help with something like an animal rescue group or a humanitarian service of some sortā¦.when youāre productive and helping others (outside of your more serious job for income) in a more casual atmosphere, your thoughts can flow in more positive directions. Additionally, reading daily devotionals each and every morning is probably the best thing you can do for your own peace of mind! The point is to change the anxiety-inducing thought pattern with other constructive stimulus, especially peace of mind-promoting ones. Itāll help!
“Thinking” in essence is a conditioned pattern for making parts from a whole, judging those parts, and imagining ways to manipulate them. The patterns of thought aren’t yours (meaning they aren’t the deliberate utterances of your personal will). Rather, they were put there by parents, teachers, media, culture, government, movies, advertising, and by the inertia of desire and experience. In this way, they are like birds flying by, or roadsigns passing on a highway as you drive. They arise spontaneously.
Please feel free to PM me if you have questions. I do one-on-one coaching by text messaging and zoom/facetime. So if you want help breaking free, you are welcome to hit me up here and discuss a plan.ere by others) that say “this is bad!” “Resist!” “Run!” “Death” “Sickness.” “Distract!” “Drugs!” “Alcohol!” “Masturbate!” (Anything to repress the energy!))ress the energy!) but it’s merely a habitual thought that labels them as “uncomfortable.” Who says these are uncomfortable emotions? A thought! Guess what, when you were much younger, energy arose in you and you spontaneously acted out as the energy discharged, and your parents (their thoughts) didn’t know what to do with that energy in you, so they taught you to reject it! Fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, emptiness — these are all names for energies that others taught us to reject.
So, the first step to breaking free from thought is recognizing that the thoughts are not you. They were put there by a process of conditioning — of training — and if we want different thoughts, we will need to re-condition or re-train these habitual processes.
Retraining is possible, but it is not necessary for being free from the bondage of thought.
In fact, you (and all of us) have developed such a longstanding habit of automatically rejecting certain “uncomfortable” emotions that when these come up you immediately get entranced by the thoughts (the movie pu there by others) that say “this is bad!” “Resist!” “Run!” “Death” “Sickness.” “Distract!” “Drugs!” “Alcohol!” “Masturbate!” (Anything to repress the energy!) but it’s merely a habitual thought that labels them as “uncomfortable.” Who says these are uncomfortable emotions? A thought! Guess what, when you were much younger, energy arose in you and you spontaneously acted out as the energy discharged, and your parents (their thoughts) didn’t know what to do with that energy in you, so they taught you to reject it! Fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, emptiness — these are all names for energies that others taught us to reject.
In fact you have developed such a longstanding habit of automatically rejecting certain “uncomfortable” emotions, that when these come up you immediately get entranced by the thoughts (the movie pu there by others) that say “this is bad!” “Resist!” “Run!” “Death” “Sickness.” “Distract!” “Drugs!” “Alcohol!” “Masturbate!” (Anything to repress the energy!)
By this mechanism, the thoughts will compel repression of the energy (back into the body and the deep mind) and will compel action (typically based on repeating patterns) and this will serve to temporarily resist the energy, but it will guarantee that the whole pattern repeats itself.
So… if you want to escape the tyranny of thought, you simply have to be willing to *feel* the emotion. Ignore the thought, relax the body, and let the energy be there. Breathe. See what vibes you have been running from. You may find, as I have found, that fear is your friend. That anger is a source of power. That sadness is an opportunity for self-love and compassion and to connect with one’s heart. s the basis of the metaphorical philosophy known as alchemy.
So… if you want to escape the tyranny of thought, you simply have to be willing to *feel* the emotion. Ignore the thought, relax the body, and let the energy be there. Breathe. See what vibes you have been running from. You may find, as I have found, that fear is your friend. That anger is a source of power. That sadness is opportunity for self-love and compassion and to connect with one’s heart.
Please feel free to PM me if you have questions. I do one-on-one coaching by text messaging and zoom/facetime. So if you want help breaking free, you are welcome to hit me up to discuss a plan.
Know that you are not your thoughts. Learn how to meditate.
Humming something when you notice you are doing it works for me.
Read crucial conversations or take their course. It is all about asking yourself, what story am I telling myself? An example of a story you tell yourself that they give in the book is You are leaving a movie theater via a side door that is not well lit. You see a shadow of a large man standing against the wall. What story do you tell yourself about the man? Is he there to rob you? Or could it be that he’s a security guard making sure that people leave safely? Is that story true, do I have evidence or facts to back up the story I have made up in my head.
Then think of a bunch of other possible stories or scenarios that could be possible- Even if they are ridiculous or unlikely. It teaches you to say to yourself, “am I telling myself a story? Not based on a fact that I know for sure? Why would I bother telling myself that story when it could be numerous other stories. (Realities)” and then hopefully you get to a point where you tell yourself I’m not going to tell myself the story, I am going to wait until I know the true story. It’s pretty liberating.
Iāve learned that unless I said it out loud to someone they canāt read my mind and what is going on in my head is most likely my fears and overthinking so I I am very intentional with my words and I am satisfied with myself when I do. How they take it is not on me. And also the thought that most people actually donāt think about you nearly as much as they think about themselves or as much as you think of yourself is a helpful thought when I feel myself trying to get caught up in the anxiousness.
Antidepressants
Drlchol and arugs
let’s think about this
We are ‘blessed’ to have a body that does not want to move and a mind that cannot stop moving. (There’s a Sanskrit word for this but i can’t seem to remember lol)
So the solution given by the great ones and have delivered exceptional results over the centuries no matter who uses it is called Yoga.
Yoga brings about the reversal in which the mind stops moving and the body can be moved at will.
At least you talk to people lmao, with strangers overthinking hold me off of talking to people. I used to have knots in stomach but i have less, but my heart still racing like a motorbike before speaking to people
Meditation leads you to be able to control your mind. Not saying itās easy. It is taking me years but I am getting better at it.
I kept thinking of this specific quote. That helps me pause everytime i overthink and it helps me to calm myself.
A couple of the things that have helped me are meditation and zooming out. Meditation helps because you learn you are not your thoughts and slowly you stop identifying with them. You learn that thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky. They have no substance, no form, no existence outside of your mind.
Worry is nothing more than your mind making up stories about what the future will be without the future being alive yet. Regret is wanting to change the past without being able to even touch it or manipulate it. If you have worry remember that the future doesn’t exist yet and there’s still time to change your path. If you have regret, apologize and forgive, wish peace and happiness to those involved. If you’re having trouble forgiving someone for their actions try to see their actions from their point of view and understand if they were troubled by addiction or other illnesses. This holds true for yourself also.
Zooming out involves understanding your problems in the whole picture. Quite often we see problems as overwhelming but if we zoom out we see in time it’s not really that big of a problem. Also it helps us from the issue of “not seeing the forest for the trees” effect. If problems seem overwhelming take them a little at a time do one thing, do it well, and move on. You will see you can overcome any problem if you break it up into more manageable pieces.
Meditation allows you to search for the root of your thoughts without blame and identification. It’s really hard at first and it’s really boring often but the mind and these skills are no different than any other muscle, they take exercise and training.
Your ego will fight you every step of the way because it wants to be the captain of your ship. It wants you to be hurt because that’s how it lives. It goes on by saying I’m me and you are you and we are separate. Anything you do I don’t like feeds me so I will find ways to be offended so I can reinforce this separation.
I wish the best for you and you can do this with time, patience, and forgiveness (especially for yourself).
So weird to read that someone is in the same boots as me. I don’t know the solution but im also in therapy (not only) because of it. I just hope that we can somehow escape from this state because it ruins my interaction with people… Especially with women :/ Itās really tough.
I agree to other people commenting that overthinking never really goes away. For me distraction is the key and cooking works the best. I am not a great chef so I need to refer videos only which helps in distracting plus passing away the time. Making the meal makes me happy and serving that to others in return gives us appreciation. This way I pass the hard time, distract myself, tire my body to a good sleep and eat good
Yeah they never go away. The little ‘voices’ often just get quiet enough once you’re in a better headspace, so you can eventually tune them out or just feel them, but they don’t stop you as much. I found that addressing the overthinking itself is often only addressing the symptom, and dealing with whatever root cause helped me tremendously to get into that better headspace.