Kind of a dumb question maybe, but I am a very private person, and I don’t really like to just devolge information out there to people I don’t know.
Is it okay to intentionally lie to these type of people who approach you because I don’t want them to know my business? For example people who approach you at the gym, Starbucks, in the mall, etc.
For example:
**Stranger: What do you do for work?**
**Me: I work in construction ( when I clearly don’t)**
or
**Stranger: Nice hat, did you go to XYZ university?**
**Me: Yeah, I am originally from there (even though I am not)**
I really don’t like lying but I don’t want to give my personal details to strangers who try and start a conversation with me.
Is this wrong? Any suggestions on a better way to handle these situations?
27 comments
If you’re never going to see them again and you’re talking about subjects that don’t matter, absolutely.
If you don’t have an established relationship with someone, you don’t have an obligation to tell them the truth in small talk, especially if they’re making you uncomfortable.
But be careful. I don’t recommend making it a habit to lie or mislead, because you don’t want to be the person who does that with people who you’re going to be interacting with or who does that about important topics.
So, a few words to someone on the street that you’re never going to see again? It’s probably fine. But a coworker or a neighbor? I probably wouldn’t.
Lying to protect yourself is appropriate but in this case there isn’t much or a clear threat to you. You can just refuse to answer.
Who cares? They are strangers. Also where the fuck do you live that people are that chummy?
lol this is pretty funny. I don’t know, what if one of these strangers become your friend then later on you have to explain that what you told them was a lie lol. I think you can disclose the truth without saying too much. Just be vague about everything
Don’t lie , stop giving a fuck
I wouldn’t do it because:
I don’t like lying
I don’t wanna get used to lying
Lying will inevitably draw negative consequences at some point
There’s usually no good reason to lie
I would rather tell someone to fuck off than lie
It can sometimes be hard to carry on a conversation that way, especially if you end up running into them again later down the line. Habitual lying can be a hard streak to break.
If possible, I recommend being as vague as possible or a slightly-adjacent lie, so that you can be more specific or shift the truth a little bit if you ever run into them again or if they ask you follow-up questions that you’ll need to have a realistic answer for.
For example, let’s say your job is hauling bags of meat at a factory.
Stranger: What do you do for work?
You: I do general labour. What about you?
​
Not sure if it’s possible to wear a hat from a university and lie about it though, haha. That might come down to choice of hats in that circumstance.
I think lying in this way is a bad habit. It makes it easier to lie to people in your life about things that matter.(and has the possibility of jeopardizing your relationships.
Instead, just be more vague. “I work in the financial field.” or “I’m in consumer goods.” or “Customer service related.” etc.
If they pry for more details just say, “I make it a rule to not talk about my work — too boring!” and then ask THEM a question.
If they comment on your hat — why would you give a specific detail that’s false? Just “no, I like the team” would’ve sufficed.
Be VAGUE, not DECEPTIVE.
Change the subject and “refuse to go” anywhere you don’t wish to go, conversationally speaking. It would be rude of them to keep pushing the issue.
I don’t see a pertinent reason to lie. Reddid, Google, Facebook, etc. have so much information about us. Someone you’ll likely never see again won’t be a problem. When i don’t like to share some details about my life, I just say “I’m not comfortable answering that”, but this is about some specific events in my life, not about some basic information about me, like my work and uni
Yeah I dunno, learning to become a habitual liar may not be the best course of action lol.
As has been mentioned in at least one other comment, you don’t really owe it to anyone to small talk or tell them anything if you don’t want to. If someone is prying for information out of the blue that you don’t feel comfortable telling them, you can always just say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like chatting” and leave it at that.
I’d assume that would mostly be the case for people that you’re actively not wanting to make small talk with though. If you’re genuinely interested in talking with someone, or open to it at least, disclosing some basic information isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Like I might not want to disclose where I work or live or the like, but my occupation (unless maybe it was something ultra specific) or where I went to school are things that I, at least, would be open to telling almost anyone, and are common conversation starters.
That said, you ultimately get to make the final decision and shouldn’t feel pressured to tell anything that you don’t want to 🙂 Even if you don’t want to cut the conversation all the way off, you can always reply “I’d prefer not to say” and move on from anything that’s prodding too much. If you have to do too many of those, maybe that person isn’t a good conversational match for you.
It’s ok to tell people you don’t feel like talking
These days it does seem like people feel entitled to know everything about you and if you evade questions or don’t disclose everything then you are a liar.
You can keep things private – whatever makes you comfortable – but I would just be upfront about not wanting to answer vs lying. You could say, “I’d rather not answer that” or “it’s complicated” or “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my boring xyz” and redirect the conversation.
Whether or not it’s okay is really up to you, but FWIW be aware that it may cause issues with dissociation.
This level of lying comes off very strange. I don’t really understand how it’s necessary.
>Stranger: Nice hat, did you go to XYZ university?
>Me: Yeah, I am originally from there (even though I am not)
This is super off putting.
Why not just say no instead of making up a lie about where you went to school and where you’re from? Do you realize you could say that lie to someone who actually has lived the life you’re talking about? Someone who would know you’re a liar within a few minutes of talking probably?
I think you can be private without lying and being disingenuous on a regular basis.
I understand the concern about not wanting to be deceitful, but I would say that in this context, the consequences aren’t likely to be significant enough for it to matter.
As other users have stated, you don’t really owe a random stranger anything, and if it makes you uncomfortable to interact with them, then your preferences would take priority in my opinion because you would be suffering more by engaging fully with the unknown person than that person would be from receiving somewhat dishonest responses on trivial matters.
Simply walking away would also be fully acceptable, as you have no existing relationship and therefore no obligation to the person. For me though, I would probably be more comfortable just giving evasive answers – especially if the person had already gotten within talking range, let alone attempted to start a conversation.
Your security takes priority, so I would try not to let social pressure convince you that you should be made uncomfortable, whether by choice or by those around you.
Tbh lying is never ok. If you’re not comfortable with talking about certain things use these situations as a way to learn how to set boundaries. People come up to you and try to start a conversation that you’re not comfortable with having- politely decline and let them know you’re not comfortable with having a conversation and walk away. If they keep going you don’t have to respond. Conversations are meant to be fun.
Don’t lie. Refuse to answer or be vague. I don’t understand why you bother lying when you can state no.
I didn’t think I would find the examples that off putting but jeez, just tell them you don’t want to disclose that information or just be vague as others have said. They’re not asking for your social security number. I’d stop doing that if I were you but it might be too late and the damage to your psych may already be done.
People underestimate how cool lying is. Go for it.
Absolutely, yes.
Maybe strangers are the friends we met along the way. In that case YES
Its okay, i also do that to mantain my privacy, just keep it to strangers tho. You dont want your friends to say that u are a liar
You can just say you don’t want to share or disclose limited information.
Do strangers try to start conversations and ask you random questions regularly? Maybe it’s common where you live but I find it bizarre.
That aside, if a stranger asks you a personal question and you don’t want to answer, there’s nothing wrong with something along the lines of “I’d rather not discuss that”
Only when you feel uncomfortable with the other person but why the hell would you do it all the time😂 what if you guys end up being good friends and you have to come clean? I don’t think anyone cares where you work they’re just asking to get to know you also school if you go to college there’s thousands of students there you don’t have to lie about that. I get you’re a private person but if you want to actually be social you gotta open up to people to make friends, don’t be scared to open up. The only way it would be fine to lie is like I said earlier if it’s some weirdo asking you questions. If you keep on lying you’re create a fake person within yourself and you’d just have to keep lying
Also: if any of us in this subreddit talked to you and you lied to us about the things you said then none of us would trust you therefore we wouldn’t want to be your friend etc. so be careful
It is weird and paranoid that you blatantly lie about your profession or where are you from. It’s normal to not want to discuss personal
matters with strangers but your origin is not so intimate information unless you are Edward Snowden.
Regarding your question if it’s right or wrong… depends if you aspire to live as a hikkikomori. In that case, everything is right.
I’m guessing you don’t have a lot of friends because your examples seem like it’s somebody trying to get to know you better