We met through a mutual work colleague four years ago. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs especially due to covid and him having to move back to his home state for a year in 2020, but we visited each other and have been regularly meeting again since a year ago. No problems with anything like infidelity before this, just things that we talked and worked out such as being more affectionate with words.
During the early stages of our relationship, we asked each other many questions on boundaries and he and I were very much on the same page about flirting, getting too friendly… that it was considered cheating! We shared so many values and limits on the relationship that I quickly 100% trusted him.
Fast forward to now. Call it a woman’s intuition or not, I had a gut feeling that something was off with my BF. Less engaged in conversation, more time on the phone, reading things on his phone then suddenly putting it away when I enter the room (only happened twice) (but he fully trusts me to go on his phone, we regularly watch videos and play games on each others’ phones), telling me less of what goes on in his day or life than before, little things like that. I initially put it down to stress of a new job as he had begun a new job. But the feeling never went away and about a month ago I accidentally saw what I shouldn’t on his phone.
My BF has one of those apps on his phone that tell him if he’s low on storage and a notification popped up while I was playing a game on his phone. My finger accidentally clicked it as I was playing the game and I saw many screenshots of him texting one of his new coworkers. My BF was excitedly asking questions about being with a guy and openly flirting with him saying things like that’s so hot or we can explore later. This hit me like a truck as it never ever crossed my mind that he would do this, and second that he was bi. He made it clear that he was straight when we first met so I assumed he was.
I couldn’t stop after seeing this so I went through his texts (yes this is a clear invasion of privacy and I am in the wrong). It turns out that he had been texting his best friend (platonic, male not sure if this is relevant) about his new coworker, saying things like I have never been so excited about anyone before, or things like I get so hard when I think of doing this or that to the coworker. The best friend just replied to him simply by saying things like if your GF (me) is going to be out of the picture soon then you should explore. This sounded like they had talked about this before and that things were said in person that I don’t even want to think about.
After this incident I checked his texts a few more times (again it’s wrong of me but I felt powerless not to) and found that there was less flirting and texting between the coworker and my BF. They would still text but about more trivial things like sports. They have met once or twice outside of work for coffee, but these were very brief as my BF was on his way to meet me and was filling maybe 20-30 minutes. And more recently, my BF has been talking about our future, potential children, getting a joint place, adopting cats, things of that nature.
How should I process the situation? In which direction can I take the next steps? I am so lost and would really like some help. He doesn’t know that I know any of this, and he still has everything on his phone so he probably thinks I won’t go through his phone.
TLDR: found out my boyfriend who said he was straight is now bi, found out that he flirted with a coworker who is still in contact but no more flirting. A mess and don’t know what to do.
5 comments
Do you want to live the rest of your life with the thought of “he could cheat on me at any moment” buried in your brain?
You boyfriend learning more about his sexuality does not give him an excuse to cross your boundaries or cheat. If he wants to be with a man, he needs to end his relationship with you first.
You could possibly just reestablish your boundaries without discussing what you saw on his phone. Just bring up what you have both decided on in terms of not flirting or hitting on others and see what he says.
If you believe he would continue to pursue outside relationships, then you need to break up.
I think by the time one person feels the need to check the other’s phone, the relationship is already over. Add to that what you found while you were snooping and this is a no brainer break up for me
Well, he has been misleading you and cheating. You two agreed no flirting, and he has been deliberately flirting. He knew he had an issue relevant to your relationship (at least one, sounds like at least two from his messages) and he did not bring it up to discuss in your relationship, which is another betrayal. Relationships thrive on honest communication. If he had a crush on a new co-worker, he could either have totally ignored it or he could have told you how he was struggling with this crush. Either option would have been acceptable. Instead, he flirted with the co-worker, not even trying to fix the problem or work with you on helping to make your relationship with him work. So, he’s proven himself to be quite untrustworthy. When he gets tempted, he hides it and toys with temptation. So, you can talk to him about that, but you know he’s not trustworthy, and it is very hard to restore trust in such situations. What reason do you have to think he has changed substantially? After all, he’s no good right now, so he needs a real change to be someone who can be in a good relationship.
My bf is also bi and has never been with a guy and has not cheated. Being curious doesn’t make it okay for him to betray you. If he finds this important then he needs to discuss it with you and decide if he wants to even continue the relationship in a monogamous manner.
Oh and don’t agree to an open relationship if he suggests that. Anyone who is okay with betraying their partner like this does not truly want an open relationship, they want to be sneaky and go behind their partner’s back because it’s more exciting/thrilling. He will most likely find ways to cheat even in an open relationship.