My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about 2.5 years. She broke up with me about a year ago because according to her their was something missing in our relationship. I envisioned myself getting married and having a family with her so the break up hit me really hard. It also didn’t help that she moved on to her next relationship with her current boyfriend only a month after our break up. It was a very hard time for me but I was able to get over it by working on myself and I’m now doing better than ever.
A few days ago, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend. It was her basically crying to me and saying that her boyfriend physically abuses her and has hit her on multiple occasions. I was surprised because this was pretty much the first time she has contacted me since our break up so I didn’t really know what to say. She then asked me if I could help her by letting her stay with me because they live together. I then asked if she had called the police on her boyfriend and she answered that she doesn’t want to get the authorities involved. I told her that she should call the cops because they are the only once that can solve her situation. She kept repeating that she did’t want to get the cops involved.
She also kept asking if she could stay with me. I told her that I’m in no way going to interfere in this situation of her’s. I straight up told her that I under no circumstances will let her stay with me but that I’m willing to help her contact the authorities to solve the situation. She still kept asking to stay with me and I kept refusing until I hung up the call.
There are a few reasons that I didn’t want to help her. First off, she is my ex, so truth be told I don’t owe her anything. Second of all, I know for a fact she has other options for housing because her parents and friends live nearby. Also, I do not want to involve myself in a situation with a violent person that could possible backfire on me, who knows what that guy is capable of. Lastly, I didn’t want to help her because she hasn’t reported him to the police. I’m am willing to help her contact the authorities to solve the situation, but other than that I’m not getting myself involved.
Despite having my reasons not to help her, I still feel guilty in a way. I don’t really know how I can help her otherwise in this situation and I feel like if she hasn’t even called the police on him, there is really nothign else to do.
How do you guys suggest I deal with this situation?
40 comments
This sounds shady.
If you’re concerned, reach out to one of her family members instead, then wash your hands of it.
Dude – don’t feel guilt – you did the right thing! She is 34 – a grown ass woman. She can easily call the cops or go live with family.
Move on – she is not your problem anymore and you directed to the proper channels.
No reason to feel guilty especially if she won’t report him. Violent people need to face the consequences of their actions.
The situation she’s in sucks, but it’s not your job to protect her.
Can you contact her parents and the police? Don’t take her in but at least do that.
No I don’t think you need to feel guilty for not wanting to house her, but I would have just called her parents or best friend with or without her permission. I think that would have been a reasonable thing to do
Reddit is a fucking disaster when it comes to things like this. A lot of the comments on both sides are disgusting.
Yes, you don’t need to involve yourself if you do not want to. Wether or not that makes you a good person or not is debatable. Which is also where the guilt comes from. Real life is not dictated by dumb reddit standards just saying you owe her nothing. It’s more complicated than that although if you want to boil it down its true however you and her are both humans.
You did not mentioned once about you asking her or telling her why she couldn’t go with family or friends. I’m not going to guess or pretend I know her thoughts of why it wasn’t on the table and that’s not the point.
Contacting the authorities may or may not solve the situation. You kept pressing her to do this and that is debatablely wrong move too. The focus should be on getting her out and safely. Again you made no mention of asking her why she couldn’t go to her parents or friends.
You are unwilling to help her because she’s your ex. Youre unwilling to help her because she hasn’t called the cops. She came to you for support. The reason you feel guilty is because she is in danger and you are not supporting her. Even though you do not need to.
There is a lot more to do. You are just unwilling to do it. Which is fine but that is the actions you are choosing. If you truly believe you don’t need to do anything or don’t owe her anything block and move on as you may not be the support she needs anyways.
Fuck redditors. Fuck the people telling you to man up. Fuck the people saying its not your place and you owe her nothing.
Whatever you do you need to feel okay with your actions.
If you dont want to be involved fine. But no one should be saying you did what’s best. You’d be doing what’s best for you. Period. End of story.
I don’t know why you keep saying the police will solve the situation. It will depend massively on where you are, but even then without evidence or the police getting called for a disturbance they can’t just immediately “solve” the situation. Domestic violence cases are never that easy or simple. Involving the police can escalate it.
As for her friends and family – it could be that he knows where they live so she doesn’t want to go there, or he isolated her from them like a lot of abusers do and they won’t help her, another option is that most abusers are charming and her friends/family could still be under his spelling thinking she’s overreacting or not telling the truth.
None of this is to say you have to help your ex. But your other solutions aren’t necessarily as simple or as easy as you seem to think they are. And the police don’t just “solve” it.
Leaving an abusive relationship is complex and hard and often the person needs help to do so. It would be great if you could find it in you to actually help her in some way (telling her to go to the police is NOT help and the police aren’t going to “solve” the abuse) to help a human let alone someone you used to care about, but I get that helping an ex could be fraught. If you want to know some actually helpful options I would call an abuse hotline and talk to them to see what they suggest.
At the end of the day, you don’t owe her a place to stay. You guys had (in your mind) a good relationship and then she ended it, so, I understand if you don’t want to live with her until she finds permanent housing because you feel like the chapter of her in your life is over-no matter what. (And you listed some points really worth taking into account) I will say, if something really bad should happen-only you will know how you will feel knowing you didn’t shelter her after she came to you. I’m not in any way trying to guilt trip you, I just don’t see anyone else having stated that. Best of luck to you and her
You listed very valid reasons why you shouldn’t get involved and she should be reaching out to her family if anyone.
Suggest that she asks her family for help or shoot her the contact info for local Women’s Shelter and block her if she keeps bothering you.
I’m just going to point out, like you said we don’t know what this guy is capable of, so we don’t know how he would actually react or what he would do to her if she did get the authorities involved. It isn’t always that easy when you’re in an abusive relationship. If I were in her shoes, I’d already be nervous about him finding out about any communication with you. He could kill her potentially. Are you able to reach out to her parents? Have you suggested to her domestic violence hotlines or shelters she could contact? You definitely have no obligation to her and she doesn’t need to move in with you, but if it’s as serious as it seems, you need to talk to her about at least reaching out to her family or a women’s shelter. I do find it suspicious she reached out to you before family. That makes me think she’s just looking for an excuse to get back together with you, but she may also just be embarrassed to tell her family in the first place. It can be embarrassing to admit you were wrong about someone to family.
The police/authorities won’t help. They often do nothing, give victims the run around, misunderstand reactive abuse as abuse, and aren’t trauma informed.
She’s probably isolated from her family and doesn’t have any friends left: that’s what abusers do. That’s probably why she’s even contacting you.
What is he capable of: murder. Murder. He might murder her or you or anyone that gets in his way.
Is this your responsibility? No.
Why do you feel guilty? Bc you’re telling yourself you should help, or bc you feel responsible, or bc you’re worried something will happen and you’ll feel awful. The truth is, you are the only person who has to live with the consequences of your actions, so make the choice you want to make.
What do you think the cops are going to do to help her? They won’t find her a place to stay and will probably just make it worse. If you do want to help without actually having to get too involved you could find information on a domestic violence shelter or hotline for her. They are the ones who can actually help her get out.
I have a close friend who is a police officer, and I’m a survivor of an abuser. And my abuse, compared to your ex’s, is probably mild.
The police can’t and won’t do anything. They get a ton of calls every day, and without evidence there is little in what they are allowed to do. In fact, most of the time, it ends up being a he said she said that makes the abuser angry and makes the abuse worse.
I know it’s easy to say “not my problem, not my place” and yeah maybe you don’t “owe” her anything–but being a good person isn’t about making a choice based on transaction. Being a good person means sometimes helping those in need.
I can understand not wanting to host her for a *long* time. But even if you were willing to help her for a night or two and look up women’s shelters or other ways to get away, that would be enough. Hell, even providing resources to those things might help. She might just need a place where she can look that stuff up without worrying that it will result in someone hurting her.
I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. But I don’t agree with the people saying you don’t owe her anything (as a justification to not help her), or that age makes it any easier to deal with these people. The one thing you should be concerned about is your safety, and after that, you should endeavor to be a good person. If you have the means to help her and would be reasonably safe in doing so, you should.
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And do not push her to contact the authorities. It will not help.
Edit: the one thing I will ask though, is why won’t she get help from her family if they are nearby? Have you asked her?
You don’t have to house her, but perhaps lead her to a women’s shelter, social services. She may be isolated from family friends, and lacking funds. Do _not_ call the police. It is likely this action will lead to her death.
I understand that you are upset she dumped you; but I ask you… should she lose her life, how would you feel if she was seriously/fatally injured? Do you feel justified in turning her away because she hurt you? And should she end up murdered, will you still have no remorse?
You may not be able to call the cops on him, but if you know her friends and family, perhaps let them know that she’s in trouble and for them to open their doors for her.
Also, tell her to cal 211 if she doesn’t want to go to her friends’ and family’s and being abused by her current partner. They can lead her to local resources.
If an ex of mine did that, I’d probably react like you. I would feel bad for declining his request but I would definitely try to help in other way, i.e. give numbers/location of local resources.
I’m not going to pull any punches here. You feel guilty because the *humane* thing to do in this situation is give her a place to crash.
That being said, you are under no obligation to help her. You’re right, you could very easily make yourself a target too. You have to look out for yourself too.
What I cannot stand about this post however, is the belief you seem to hold that she is *refusing* help because she’s not letting you “”help”” her call the authorities.
Calling the authorities is a great way for her to get herself killed if she doesn’t have a safe place to go.
Period.
Any abuse survivor can tell you there is an exceedingly high chance that he will explain it all away. Paint her as the aggressor. Get off Scott free. She’ll get told to get a restraining order and then she’s going to be stuck in the same house with someone unstable who is now very very angry.
Getting the authorities involved is something you do after you’re safe, or when you’re actively on deaths door. There is likely no other safe alternative for her.
Could you at least contact her parents and let them know what’s going on?
There’s a good chance she’s been isolated from friends and family if her bf is abusing her. She might’ve called you as a last ditch desperate effort to get away.
The reason she wouldn’t want to get authorities involved is because they will most likely show up, find it “hard to determine what happened”, gives some advice about couples counseling, and then leave her there with him. To where he might retaliate for her calling the authorities. He might even kill her.
I understand how you don’t want anything to do with her, but please at least tell her parents what’s going on so they can at least try to help. She’s in serious danger right now and it’s bigger than “she’s my ex so I don’t feel like dealing with it”. **You’re not obligated to house her, but please at minimum contact her parents.**
This is clearly a bait post
It’s meant to trigger people into discussing about how abused women “deserve it” and “always come back crawling”.
There is no advice asked, OP doesn’t answer key questions about information that’s missing, or is responding to anything said, besides one comment about how “it’s not my responsibility”.
You guys should know better by now.
A third option: offer to help her book a hotel for a few nights while she contacts women’s shelters and plans her next steps. If her finances don’t allow this (eg partner is controlling all her finances), offering to pay this for her would provide enormous help to her without bringing her under your roof.
If you do this I would suggest viewing the money as a gift, not a loan. Don’t give her money you can’t afford to give.
If she calls again have the contacts for domestic violence shelters on hand. They are better than the police as they provide emergency housing, job assistance and a support group of people who have gone through similar situations. The domestic violence shelter will also be able to help her contact authorities and file a restraining order.
You know what? I’m going against the grain here.
As a victim of an abusive relationship, it is **highly** likely that he has isolated her from all friends and family. That is what abusers do. Secondly, the police are **very** unwilling to deal with domestic violence cases and usually end up making things worse.
Let me tell you where her head is at right now. She is feeling alone and she is clearly feeling **very** desperate because she is **risking her very life right now by contacting you, an ex, to escape her situation because she most likely has no one else to turn to.** Did you know leaving is the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship? It’s the period where a victim is most likely to end up dead.
Now, are you obligated to do anything about this? No, not really. **However**, might I advise you think of this in a perspective where she *isn’t* your ex-girlfriend who hurt you? And, hell, even if you do, is her situation meant to be some kind of karma for how she hurt you? Is that really fair? You feel guilty because you know she is in danger and even though you’re fully capable of helping a desperate woman avoid becoming yet another statistic, you’re choosing to sit by.
Let me be clear that in no way am I laying potential blame on you should something to happen to her, because that blame fully rests on the abuser, 100%. But, you are in a position to help her. You don’t necessarily have to let her stay with you, but you can take her to a women’s shelter for her protection. They’ll be able to advise her on next steps.
But if you’re looking at this as “you hurt me so I’m not obligated to help you” then, I hope you’re okay with that and her potential fate resting on your conscience.
Please have her call the national domestic violence hotline asap, they can help her and they won’t involve police if she doesn’t want. They can guide her, shelter her etc. 18007997233.
No, do not let your ex with the crazy and probably dangerous boyfriend live with you.
I thought this was an AITA at first
Did you try to come across as bad as possible or can you just not resist sounding like an ass. You refused to help a DV on the majority basis of being petty. Yes I agree with you that you should feel guilty, except I think you should feel worse. You really thought “I dont owe her anything” was a good argument for why you didn’t help her out of a violent situation. And your insistence she call authorities despite her not wanted to shows you know nothing. But good for you, I guess. I wonder why this woman thought something was missing in your relationship
I probably wouldn’t call the police either if I were her. It’s done nothing in the past to help, and unfortunately this is very common. In fact, it once made my situation worse.
You don’t have to let her stay with you. I understand that you don’t wanna risk your own safety either.
Don’t call the police. Call her parents to inform them if possible and then be done with it and her. You don’t owe her anything, least of all access back into your home and life; but “im not obligated to” never soothes any decent persons conscience, especially if/when things take a turn for the worse. Ultimately you just need to make the decision you’ll be at peace with.
You are okay. What you will do when you will find this guy on your doorstep? Let him hit you too? Fight with him? Exactly what?
Reddit really isn’t the place to ask, lol. Contact the nearest women’s shelter and fill them in on the details of the call.
Follow their advice on whether to contact their friends / family about the situation from there. I say that because often a victim will lie to friends, family, and the police if confronted — and an abuser can turn particularly violent once they’ve been challenged and know their victim has been talking about them.
Beyond that, it’s your choice to make on whether the risks involved with further action are worth exposing yourself to. I would consider meeting her on neutral ground to get a better overview of the situation if you do decide to help further. Again, though, she might not be able to do that depending on how controlling her partner is.
Seems kinda messed up that you don’t want to help her at all. I get not letting her stay with you, but if someone says they’re being abused and they need help, then they probably seriously need help. Especially to reach out to an ex instead of family. There could be plenty of reasons she doesn’t want to involve her family or that she trusts you more in this situation. You should at least reach out to some friends of hers and make sure there’s someone else willing to house her or something.
1) cops do not help in these situations and involving authorities tends to make things worse
2) the reason she “moved on so quick” was because he manipulated her into a relationship
3) she called you because the last time she remembers feeling safe and loved was with you
4) they typically do things to put a wedge between you and your family
The way abusive relationships work is by the abuser making it as difficult as possible to leave. She is confused, stuck, and every way out has been blocked by him and she can probably hardly even understand why. Thats why some people never leave. Abuse is complicated.
No you dont owe her anything. But you would sure as hell be a good person if you helped her. She called you because she has nowhere else to turn. Trust and believe that.
It’s entirely possible that her claims of abuse are legitimate, and that like most abuse victims, she really doesn’t want the cops involved. There are other solutions. Many cities have temporary housing through agencies for abuse victims. Search locally for “women’s shelter”.
She’s not wrong to reach out for help. But you’re not wrong to set boundaries to protect yourself, particularly given your willingness to help her get help in other ways.
This is a hard one. Having gone through a hard divorce, I’ve gone scorched earth with the ex but on the other hand….my second wife was brutally beaten and raped by an ex and I’ve seen the damage it does.
For me…empathy is more important than the past, pride, optics, or lingering scars from the relationship.
This girl….regardless of the past is in danger….this human being is in danger….so I would choose to help,……………..with clear boundaries set.
Damn this is a messy one, like you said you don’t know what this guy is capable of, so why risk your own safety for your ex. She already put you at risk by calling you! At the same time I understand your ex, calling the cops isn’t a full proof solution, the cops will probably show up and look around, maybe talk to the bf and ask some questions and if the bf is a good liar he’ll convince them that everything is fine . Then they leave and the second the cops drive off there’s a massive chance your ex will get an even worse beating.
Damn…what your ex has to do is get proof of the abuse and go see a lawyer that specialize in abuse cases, from there the lawyer will advise her of what she’s gotta do and where to go…at least I think they do, I’m not fully aware on how a abuse lawyer handles the case.
Could you possibly contact her parents for her, so they could help formulate a escape plan? Maybe look up some DV shelters for women and they can give you numbers for her/locations to go too. I don’t think cling the police for her is a very good idea, unless she specifically calls and asks for it. What a scary situation for her and her family/loved ones. I understand why you are hesitant, I would be nervous of the guy as well.
I honestly think you made the best decision possible. The whole not wanting to get the cops involved and then came to you out of the blue instead of going to her family or close friends is a huge red flag for me. I think there’s more going on than she’s telling you and it’s not good and it’s not going to end well. Stick to your guns and she has plenty of other people who can help her. Be careful of her just showing up at your place or work. If you have cameras I would definitely make sure everything is working.
You only feel guilty because as a man you have this weird built in subroutine that wants to help or save Especially when it comes to women and children. Lots of women know this so it’s possible she’s trying to play up the abuse angle a little bit to get in the door.
You’ve thought out the situation and used your logic to override that subroutine, but it’ll still be there slightly nagging at you.
Stand with what you already decided. I think it’s the best option.
Good luck.
It was wise of you to tell her no. The abusive boyfriend could began to come to your home to attack her or you. Maybe give her resources to battered women shelters.
Good choice could be a scam to weasel her way back in and if it’s not she can call a FRIEND to stay at