*Apologies in advance for the long post* My fiancé and I were together for 4 years and he was the most amazing and loving partner. He loved my child from a previous relationship as his own. Our friends would talk about us as an example for their ideal relationships. Our only real issue was that we weren’t always on the same page when it came to our priorities and finances. My focus was to save money so that we could move into our own home by the end of the year and he wanted that, too but most of his time and money was spent with friends and his musical aspirations. I have always been supportive but just needed him to put more of his focus on that goal. This year, we found out he had a mass in his brain that ended up being cancer and he suffered from seizures. He moved in with me in July and it was fine for the most part other than the small disagreements we had over the shared living space and his lack of responsibility. I tried to give him the time and space he needed especially due to his diagnosis. Two weeks ago, we had a slight argument over spending money on an Uber. It was stupid and I went to work and felt terrible so I apologized over how I handled the situation and he didn’t respond. Hours passed and I still wasn’t getting a response and got a message that he had turned off his location which we both shared with each other. After some time, I received a tearful voice message from him saying that he loved me but he was unhappy and had to leave. I called him because he taking care of my child at the time and I needed to know what was happening. He told me he had packed all his things and moved out leaving my daughter behind. He gave me no more information and said he’d call me later that day. By the time I got home, he had blocked me on all social media platforms and I never heard from him again. Mutual friends told me that he had erased all traces of me and was communicating with women that were trying to be involved with him throughout our relationship the same day he left. Needless to say, it’s been very hard on my family and I. I just can’t fathom how the same person that loved me unconditionally one day could live his life as if I never existed the next. We could have ended things if that’s what he wanted but to completely erase us out of his life during this difficult time with his health just makes no sense. I haven’t reached out since he blocked me and I want to respect that he doesn’t want to hear from me but I’m truly hurt. Friends and family have advised me to call him to gain some clarity and closure but I don’t know if that’s for the best. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist but in the meantime I needed to get this off my chest. Any input or advice will be greatly appreciated.
**I want to add that the doctors actually gave him a great prognosis and said he would live 30+ years. He had the tumor removed and then it was discovered that he had cancer after the removal. The only reason I was thinking of our future together is because he was on board and his prognosis was positive. I would never put that kind of pressure on him. He said he wanted the same things and hated being treated differently just because of his diagnosis.
44 comments
This situation is a shitty one for sure. I’ve known of another couple like you guyd and a similar thing happened to them. In the end, the fiancé (with the tumor) left because he didn’t want to put his partner or their child through the heartache of losing him in such a debilitating and slow way. Then, it sounds as though (according to the others you mentioned) that the girls he may or may not be attempting to see now are his way of having a last ‘hoohaa’ before he’s no longer able. Like I said it’s a shitty one but attempt to reach out through mutual friends by writing him a letter and asking them to give it to him if/when they see him next.
How old is you’re child, did he really just leave them alone?
Wow, what an incredibly tough situation! How I feel about him really depends on whether he’s off chasing women (straight up AH, cancer or not), or if he’s trying to relieve you from the burden of his condition (misguided, but with a good heart). To me it would be important to determine which is the case, before deciding on anything.
He really does owe you an explanation, at the very least for closure. I admire that you respect his need for space, but he horribly disrespected you and your relationship by leaving in this manner. Aren’t there also practical reasons you’d need to be in touch with him, such as any joined ownership or finances?
This must be so painful… I’m so sorry 🙁
I’m sorry that you’re going through that. This sounds terrible. I don’t have any advice for you but I just want to point out that brain tumors can radically change a person’s behaviour. Not that it will make your process any easier but just something to consider. Stay strong
>I just can’t fathom how the same person that loved me unconditionally one day could live his life as if I never existed the next.
More than likely, this is an unpopular sentiment, probably, but all love is conditional.
Unconditional love is a fairy-tale for children who don’t know any better.
The closest, practical expression of unconditional love is parent-to-child, and even that has limits.
Romantic, intimate love between consenting adults is *highly* conditional.
Might be related to the tumor, things like that can change ones personality drastically.
Don’t reach out to him. Be happy he blocked you because he’s not a good person. If he ever reaches out, just read and ignore.
So – in regards to talking to him – what would this conversation accomplish for you?
Are you willling to accept his answers no matter what they are if even the answers were “Felt like it ” or “wanted to screw other people” or “I felt like I was drowning”.
That is the thing about those sorts of conversations – only in the movies do they always tie everything into a nice neat bundle. In real life they are frequently messy, leave things unresolved, and occasionally everyone involved feeling worse than they were before they had the conversation.
You have to decide for you, but you should go into one of those with two things -1) knowing what you want to say and express and 2) accepting that you may not only not hear what you want to hear but hear things you never wanted to hear.
Going to meet with a therapist is the right thing for you to do. No matter what happens meeting or not with your ex, the hard work of moving on is always internal, and the therapist should help give you tools to help you process.
You may want to get therapy for your child as well, they have lost someone too.
Dude’s close to dying and just wanted to have fun on his last days. He wasn’t happy or even in love but just comfortable with the routine you two had. His choice was to fool around on his last days rather than being with people who love him so that’s definitely the best for you. It’s traumatic AF but you’re better off without someone who doesn’t love you the same way
My friend had a brain tumor (terminal in the end) but when the initial one was removed they were a whole new person. Depending on the part of the brain it is pressing on it can completely change a person.
As someone else pointed out they may be distancing themselves from having you watch them suffer and die
It may be as simple as he doesn’t feel he has much time left and he doesn’t want to spend his final days arguing about saving money for a house he will never need. In his mind, if there was a time to be selfish this is it. It’s a terrible situation all around. Don’t beat yourself up. Everyone reacts differently in these situations.
Wonder if the location of the tumor had anything to do with this change. Or maybe he got worse news on the cancer.
Also how did you react to the Uber thing? Was there yelling and whatnot?
I’m also wondering if maybe this cancer diagnosis got him really considering how he wants to spend the rest of his life, and if he decided that it just wasn’t with you.
Either way, none of that matters. Hopefully therapy and a close support system can help you get through this.
My dad developed cancer and it was literally everywhere, including his brain. He became hostile and unfair towards my mom and kicked her out while we stayed behind and watched our dad rot away. It was tough, but not as tough as losing him. It’s hard but I would try not to take it 100% personally, it is most likely the health issues that are causing his behavior to change. Unfortunately, 9/10 times that won’t change. It will be that way until he passes. It’s been about a decade (come September) that’s he’s passed. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’ll take hard work and being strong emotionally to get through it. Sorry I don’t really have advice to fix it
I’m sorry to hear that things ended the way they did. I know it’s difficult, but sometimes things in life happen for a reason, even if it can be a punch to the gut when it comes, especially out of nowhere. If you don’t want to contact him, don’t. Honestly, any fiancé of mine, sick or not, who would ghost me is now a ghost, like they never existed in my life. I wish you all the love and happiness that this life has to offer and hope you can find closure within yourself with the help of therapy. Prioritize yourself and your child for a while and know that things will get better even if the hurt and confusion is overwhelming right now.
Brain tumors can cause drastic personality changes depending on location. Some people continue with changes post treatment (which I am not sure he has had from the details here ) given you have described many out of character decisions and actions it may be something that’s relevant . regardless sounds like a challenging situation
For whatever reason, this last fight seems like maybe “the last straw” for him. Of course I’m sure you would like answers, but after four years it sounds like he is breaking up with you over the arguments about money and responsibility.
As others have pointed out, perhaps there are health implications to what happened…but I wouldn’t *assume* that.
I am not a doctor, but its possible a brain tumor could affect his personality. Did he have a doctors appointment? He may have gotten a really bad diagnosis and he is running away. Brain tumors are very serious.
I suspect some of this behavior is due to the mass in his brain. It really does effect the way people behave and their actual personality when people go through this. I had an aunt with a brain tumor and part of how it got diagnosed is because she was acting really strange. In general she was always a cranky and negative person, and then when the tumor was removed she was like the nicest and most reasonable person ever 🤷🤷
I’m so you are going through this. Sometimes tumors on the brain start affecting the person. They have been known to alter a person’s personality depending on what part of the brain the tumor is on. This could be a medical issue, or he is making calculated moves. With him blocking you on everything- this seems to be calculated. No matter what, he is making active choices to erase you from his life. Focus on you and your child right now. Whatever he is up to, he has made it a point that you aren’t involved. Sometimes we have to be okay with not having closure (because rarely closure comes).
I’m sorry this happened but take your differences seriously. You have a daughter to protect and that means saving for her future.
I think all you can do is accept it
If my fiancé got mad at me for taking a fucking Uber I would be hoping out of the relationship too.
It is likely the mass in his brain is affecting his behavior. A friend’s son in law had a glioblastoma and it radically changed his personality. Night and day difference in a matter of a few weeks. Also, he could feel that he only has a short time left and doesn’t want to argue about money and responsibilities.
At this point, I would try to move forward. Love your daughter. Lean on family and friends. Many people (experts) believe closure is a lie. Knowing the reason doesn’t really change the pain and hurt. In this case, I think he is suffering a major health crisis that is causing him to reconsider his life choices. He also may not want to burden you with his diagnosis.
It is a great idea to talk to a therapist and deal with all of this. I wish you the very best.
That’s the problem sadly with anything to do with the brain, especially when it comes to cancer. The person that you knew has disappeared and new person has appeared in their place.
Hate to say it but this reaction of his is not surprising and you are right, it’s like a switch got flicked and he went from being who you knew, to someone who would just pack and run.
Look after yourself OP and please understand that this is nothing to do with anything you have done, nothing to do with any disagreements on finances, etc. His switch got flicked and that’s sadly the end of it.
Oh man OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. I also can’t imagine finding out I had a brain mass. That kind of news probably rocked his whole world. He may not be thinking in terms of long-term ‘anything’. What is the prognosis? You mentioned you don’t have any real issues other than priorities and finances however those two things are big issues and can cause a lot of problems if you aren’t on the same page. That, along with his brain mass, most likely has him rethinking the relationship. But it’s still a horrible way for him to handle this. I’m sorry OP, I hope you two can talk and figure things out or at least get closure. Good luck.
Either he doesn’t want you to see him suffering. Or perhaps wants to enjoy what time he has left drinking or banging hoes. He knew you wanted long-term n he may not be here much longer…or the tumor does change a personality could be that…in any case what will talking fix? Just try n move on maybe thru mutual friend get him the message you would like to know why or if he wants to talk he can but leave it at that.
Either he doesn’t want you to see him suffering. Or perhaps wants to enjoy what time he has left drinking or banging hoes. He knew you wanted long-term n he may not be here much longer…or the tumor does change a personality could be that…in any case what will talking fix? Just try n move on maybe thru mutual friend get him the message you would like to know why or if he wants to talk he can but leave it at that.
Either he doesn’t want you to see him suffering. Or perhaps wants to enjoy what time he has left drinking or banging hoes. He knew you wanted long-term n he may not be here much longer…or the tumor does change a personality could be that…in any case what will talking fix? Just try n move on maybe thru mutual friend get him the message you would like to know why or if he wants to talk he can but leave it at that.
Either he doesn’t want you to see him suffering. Or perhaps wants to enjoy what time he has left drinking or banging woman. He knew you wanted long-term n he may not be here much longer…or the tumor does change a personality could be that…in any case what will talking fix? Just try n move on maybe thru mutual friend get him the message you would like to know why or if he wants to talk he can but leave it at that.
It’s probably best to start trying to give yourself closure of some sort instead of hoping he will give it to you. If you can even reach him, there’s no guarantee he’ll tell you anything that will help you understand why he left. I’m glad you’re going to see a therapist. Good luck moving forward.
I suspect that this was far from the perfect relationship and that money was a serious cause of tension between you. Financial strain and different goals and priorities will eventually break up a relationship . It seems as though his serious illness was both a source of additional strain and a catalyst for the existing problems
So where was your kid when you got home? Alone? With someone else?
My dad had issues with his brain and his personality totally changed. I was crushed when certain things happen. I was told by the doctors the things happened because of the brain issues
He’s dying slowly. And you’re giving him a hard time about saving for the future (won’t be one) and a stupid Uber. Shame on you lady. Do you not think what he might be going through. I would leave you too!! Especially if my days were numbered. Forget about you and your “closure” if you love this person like you say you do you’ll leave him the heck alone. You already screwed up big time
Well if he is dying from this, then it’s like, why save money for the future, know what I mean? It’s sad, I’m thinking of my loved ones in this situation. He shouldn’t have ghosted you, but if he is dying, then there is a lot going on in his mind that you may not know.
First, just let yourself be upset. Do what you need to do to get through each day- do you have friends that can stay with you? Can your daughter stay with a friend for a slumber party or a relative? Just take a few days and grieve and be mad. Don’t try and tell yourself to get over it or try and appear okay, just be pissed off.
Second, what he did isn’t okay, for almost any reason, and it is unlikely you will ever get some sort of clarity as to why he did it, and even if you did, there isn’t a reason that would make what he did okay.
Third, he is clearly going through a lot, and he may be having behavior changes from the tumor or just despair and sadness from his diagnosis. He has, at this moment, decided to push you away, and you shouldn’t chase him. You have to put your mental health and that of your daughter’s first.
So what do you DO now. First, you can tell mutual friends that you want to make sure he is okay, and hope they will pass along that message or just check on him, given his medical diagnosis. Then you keep that therapy appointment, make sure your daughter is okay, and surround yourself with people who love you. Remind yourself that you did nothing to deserve this- a minor fight over an uber is not worthy of ghosting, especially ghosting that left your daughter literally alone- and that you cannot focus on what you could have done differently or how you can fix this. Be mad, be sad, grieve, allow yourself that time and don’t think you are weak for it, but do not sit in the “what if” space.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
In one scenario it could be that he makes his own money and doesn’t like how you think its ok to tell him how to spend it. In another scenario he could have just been overwhelmed by the prospect of marriage and coming to terms with his mortality. Seizures are devastatingly traumatic events I hear. That could give him a lot of anger in general then to have no real control over his own money could have been a deal breaker. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry you have to for though that.
But check your credit cards, that nothing is opened in your name without your knowledge.
I’m surprised more people aren’t pointing out that it’s a piece of shit move to throw a tantrum and abandon a minor you are watching.
I don’t mean to imply or bash OP, but every time I read “oh it was a small argument” or it was “minor,” or “slight,” it makes me feel like they’re downplaying how it actually played out.
There’s more to this story, I think.
Your closure is he was a piece of shit and you’re better off without him. The best thing you can do for you and your child is move on and never give him the time of day again. Easier said than done, I know, but that’s what you have to do if you want peace. Fuck him, he’s dead to you.
So after 4 years together, you only just moved in together when he got a tumour LAST MONTH? You had only been living together for WEEKS?! I would guess the living situation was what he couldn’t handle here and the Uber argument was just the last straw.
He went from living apart and having lots of fun with friends, to living together with your daughter, being told he needs to be more responsible, and also dealing with a cancer diagnosis/surgery recovery.
That’s a lot to handle.
I was in a relationship with someone under similar circumstances- he also cared for my daughter from a previous relationship and we lived together. I genuinely thought we would get married. He ended up leaving very abruptly and saying everything was too much for him after 4 years together.
All I can say is that even though I was completely shattered at the time, I’m now so unbelievably glad he left. He wasn’t right for me. I can clearly see that now, even though I thought he was the one during that time.
I ended up meeting my husband after that all went down. It’s obvious he is a much better fit for me to myself and everyone around. Other things in my life also worked out for the better due to him leaving. My housing and job situation improved because I ended up moving away. I also got therapy and finally dealt with some issues I needed to work through.
I know this may not end up being the case for you, but there could be positives that come from this relationship ending. I’m hoping things work out for you for the best.