I had a ONS with a dude, and he suggested a FWB type situation. I agreed. We saw each other a couple more times, but then he stopped replying to my texts completely. 4 months later I get a “u busy tonight?” Booty call text.
Similar stories with other guys I was fucking. Semi-regular contact, then complete silence (ghosting?) And then a few months after no contact a booty call text.
I don’t need to date anyone and I don’t feel like I’m high maintenance, but dropping off the face of the earth and ignoring texts I send you (exclusively sex texts btw I’m not trying to be friends or whatever) to then come back months later after radio silence feels kinda shitty. Even a text like “hey I’m busy lately I’ll let you know when I’m available again” or “I’m trying exclusivity for a while with someone” would be nice, if a dude then came back months later it’s whatever.
My more experienced friends tell me this is totally normal and I’m being dramatic. I guess I’m looking for a reality check?
EDIT: holy shit this blew up lol, that was unexpected. I wasn’t thinking about the terminology fwb vs. booty call, in my native language there’s only one word for it.
The very first dude I regularly saw when i entered the “casual” scene, eventually texted me that he was catching feelings for a girl and didn’t want to hook up anymore, and I appreciated how upfront and honest he was. I didn’t realize it was so out of the norm, so these new experiences kind of bothered me. But according to the comments here this is just what casual sex is like. Sigh. Thanks for the reality check reddit!
28 comments
That’s hookup culture for ya
Yes, that’s the dehumanizing, objectifying psychopathic clusterfuck that has been the hookup scene for quite some time. Don’t let anyone convince you to participate if you feel like it’s negatively affecting your mental health or your faith in humanity.
It’s likely how many hookup dudes are , but he still sucks as a person
Next time tell him , you ghosted me , no second chances loose my number
I would label this as the transition (or reduction) of a FWB to a fuck buddy. My outside perspective is that this is both expected and normal.
I keep hearing its wild in these streets.
I’ve been experiencing the same. I just don’t reply and delete their number. They don’t get another chance. They don’t even apologise for dropping off the face of the earth, so nah. I don’t care if people say it’s normal, it’s rude, and it’s not for me.
And here (32M) I am single no sex no gf no fwb for years. You people make me feel like I am living in a different planet.
Is it possible they hopped into a relationship and then hopped out and texted you?
That’s people being shitty. Culture or not, it’s not an excuse to be a shitty person.
if you are interested in hookup culture mainly fwb i recommend getting with someone who respects you as a person. If not you are opening yourself up to stds and other risks.
He forgot about the F in FWB… He’s just looking to use you for the sex, without the bare minimum work of the ‘friends’ part.
You’re not being dramatic, you’re showing that you have self respect.
It’s why it couldn’t be for me man lol I’m
31 and married now, and I had one one night stand type situation with a new coworker I barely knew. It was so ass. Just no connection whatsoever.
I need that connection to make things as hot as they can be. I liked doing a true FWB thing where there’s an actually established relationship of some sort (platonic of course). Couldn’t get into just matching with someone, fucking them one night, and then that’s it.
It’s not respectful and sure, there is no commitment or exclusivity, but it’s human decency and common courtesy. You are a person and doesn’t mean they can treat you or you should tolerate being a fuck doll. They are rude and disrespectful and don’t deserve a place in your bed. Remember it’s still a privilege to let someone touch you, just because you want sex with no strings, doesn’t mean you should tolerate being treated less.
I find a lot of these men tend to actually have girlfriends and go through periods of being faithful (this is when they’re silent) but at times when they get extra horny or the girlfriend is away they reach out. I’ve caught several guys out with this. One was married!
Welcome to “click a dick” 😂
No. This is so rude. Don’t message them back or give them any more of your time if they can’t respect you or your own time.
Sounds to me like he things fwb and fb (fuck buddy) are the same. I don’t think they are. A fwb should be a friend. At least respond to text. A fb is just a mutually agreed on booty call.
I’m surprised to hear other people saying what you experienced is normal. That’s sad to me.
Fwb are never worth it in my opinion. Hookup culture sucks
sadly, the hookup scene is mostly full of people who are just trying to hump n dump, pulling deceiving behaviors to get what they want and disregarding their partners’ expectations. meanwhile some of us genuinely enjoy the human connection aspect of a hookup, and we always remain considerate of the other person’s wants/ needs/ kinks/ boundaries. although we seem to be in the minority of the hookup scene. it’s maddening.
if all i wanted was to get off, i would just look at porn. but sometimes i want a shared experience with someone i can trust. is that too much to ask for? 🤷♀️
Set expectations of what you mean by fwb. If they can’t handle that you aren’t compatible. Doesn’t matter if the relationship is purely sex based or not. Engaging with someone that makes you feel disposable will take a toll on your mental health.
That’s when they’re trying to date someone else. When that doesn’t work out they text you again. Stop letting yourself get used like that. I’m all for casual sex, but I’m not a sex toy for you to use when you feel like it. There’s a difference between casual dating/hooking up and being an asshole.
This is what ‘hook up’ type guys often do. They ignore you unless they want some. If you ignore them, when they want some, they will get grumpy and stop coming back. They expect it to happen completely on their terms and often deem you not worthy of their respect. If their hookup partner’s were worthy of their regular attention, the ‘hook up’ guys would view them as relationship material instead.
If you like having sex with this person, you may just have to put up with being treated this way. I would recommend treating him the same way, though. Don’t always be available when he comes back, after ignoring you, but be available when you want to have sex with him. If these times don’t line up, things will likely fizzle and fall apart somewhat quickly.
Rude. If your friends want to accept it, their choice, but they’re just adding to a society that isn’t considerate of others. However, it’s also not like anyone owes anyone anything.
To me, if they didn’t have time to do anything but ignore your requests, then they should be taught there’s a time stamp on these offers.
From my personal definition department, this is F*ck Buddy behavior, not FWB.
The primary difference, in my experience is this:
Are both of us down for hanging out and chatting with someone regardless of whether it’s going to lead to sex?
If the answer is no, then they’re FBs, not FWBs.
And, a *LOT* of people don’t make this distinction, preferring the term FWB, regardless of what they really want. Maybe they don’t differentiate in their mind; maybe they prefer FWB over the more vulgar and less personal F*ck Buddy label.
All that said, I tend to ask for clarification when someone says they want a FWB. “What does that look like to you?” is my go-to, open-ended question, without showing my intent too much in the hopes that their answer isn’t tailored to what they think I want to hear.
I personally prefer a FWB, but find it much harder to find. Not opposed to a FB, but I actually crave some level of emotional and intellectual connection with someone that I’m going to have a physical relationship with.
nah, basic decency in communication is a completely reasonable ask
Sounds like the disconnect is actually really clear in your post. You’re using “hookups” and “FWB” as interchangeable terms. You seem to be _expecting_ FWBs from hookups. You’re not alone, btw, lots of people get lost in the large grey area between those lines.
Just communicate what _you_ expect from the situation, and then stand by that. Tell people, “Hey, I know this is just casual, but if you ghost me, don’t expect to booty call me”.
Simple as that. The “culture” is wide and varied. Set down your own ground rules and stick to ‘em. LOTS of people don’t think twice about expectations like that unless you make it a front-center convo.
My GF used to _hate_ when I’d say this, but now says it as often as I do : “You train people how to treat you”.
Yes this is unfortunately how I’ve been treated in hookup culture and is the main reason I’ve stopped participating in it. It’s far too dehumanizing to be treated like a sex doll that can just be put on the shelf and ignored until I’m needed for use
It’s because they only want you, when they want you. Many men these days in FWB type situations won’t respond when the woman is the horny one. That’s what I’ve experienced too.