I want to do the right thing by my uncle, but the situation feels impossible from my perspective.
My uncle (in law, but I class him as close) is 95. I’ve known him my entire life. He has always been a kind, decent, highly intelligent and compassionate man. He lives about 6 hours drive from me so I didn’t get to spend as much time with him as I wanted to over the years. We typically spent Christmas together, along with my aunt and also the occasional week or two over the summer.
He was married for over 60 years to my Aunt. She passed away last year with dementia and other health issues, which had pretty much kept them both at home, outside of visits with us. He still has his health. Her long illness and his loyalty to her meant he missed out on so much, especially in their last 5 years together. They pretty much stayed home for 15 years. Neither had driven for well over a decade and there is no public transport where they live.
Two years ago, my uncles son and daughter in law returned from abroad to ostensibly help with the care of their elderly parents. They had emigrated at a very young age and from what I’ve been told, hadn’t had much in the way of success over there. There is a lot more to it I’m sure, but the gist of the situation is that they had nothing much to stay in their adopted country for.
After my aunt’s passing, they basically kept themselves to themselves but live in this small house with my uncle. It’s my uncles house, his marital home for some 40 years.
Since the funeral, they have pretty much stayed in their room. It’s not a big house at all, designed for 2 people I suppose, but aside from meals, they apparently don’t interact with him much. He said as much as this, which broke my heart. His actual words on his recent visit were “it’s nice to have people to talk to, nobody talks to me at home”.
The thing is, he’s a super interesting guy and still as sharp as a knife mentally, even at 95. He’s interested in things, can hold a meaningful conversation and is still inquisitive. All the things any 95 year old could reasonably hope to be. What I’m trying to say is, if we’re honest, we all know that sometimes having conversations with the (very) elderly can be hard work at times, but with my uncle, it’s just so natural and he has the charisma of someone half his age. Never afraid to make a joke and understands them just as well.
Recently he stayed with us at home for a couple of weeks. When he arrived he had a little cry, as he hadn’t visited since his wifes passing and in fact, had never visited us alone at all.
We had a great time, went places, did things, talked for hours. He was up for manner of things including playing sports, which at 95, is crazy, but he’s game for anything. We also laughed, a lot.
I took him home and he cried when I left. Quietly cried, not making a fuss but I spotted it. He has never cried in front of me before. I think half of it might be knowing that he may not see me again, but the other half perhaps, is knowing that he’s now back, yet again, stuck in his own living room, with nobody willing to talk to him, despite two adults living in the same house. This troubles me deeply. I sent him back to loneliness and rumination over his wifes passing.
The above may come across as nonsense, but I hope it doesn’t.
I want him to sell the house, move up nearby so we can give him a social life, which I’d be delighted to help with, but I know he’d never do it on account of his recently repatriated son being effectively rendered homeless. I know his son simply cannot afford to buy or rent a house here as he’s never worked and barely worked a decent job at all for his entire life. Even suggesting a move like that for my uncle could be considered disrespectful. My uncle still has his judgement and I’m in no real place to interfere. He respects me as an adult, but his relationship with his son surely is none of my business and in fact, we have never broached the subject.
What can I do for my uncle? He’s a ~~good~~ great guy, but he’s stuck in his own home, with people that don’t talk to him and his mental health, or at least how it appears, seems to suggest he’s given up. He kept talking about how nothing matters anymore, but I know he felt loved and appreciated when he’s with us. He lost his life partner, so I feel like he’s just waiting to die himself but sitting alone, being ignored, is the most terrible way to do that.
Is there anything I can realistically do? I feel powerless. It is very hard watching a 95 year old cry because they are so lonely and in this case, there really isn’t a need to be. There’s a dozen people of all ages, 6 hours drive from his home, that love him and want to include him in everything, but living so far away, the logistics involved with a 95 year old make it very difficult indeed to have a meaningful impact.
I don’t suppose there is really an answer to the above, but typing it out is cathartic.
TLDR: My elderly uncles \[95m\] son \[60m\]recently (2019) returned from abroad with his wife (after 40 years away) and moved in to my uncles house. My uncles wife of 60+ years died recently. Neither of them talk to my uncle outside of meal times, so he’s left almost completely alone. He can’t drive and theres no transport so he is isolated, lonely and bored. He cried when I had to take him home after a recent visit. He has never cried in front of me in the 40+ years I’ve known him. I don’t know how to help him and time is short due to his age.
7 comments
So what you’re really asking is how to force his son to be nicer and more attentive. A son who you clearly don’t like. Short answer, you can’t.
All you can do is offer to help your uncle. If he refuses then you’ve done all you can do.
i had a great uncle who died at 98, he wasnt very mobile and lived alone. my mom had us start visiting him when he was 96, when my great aunt passed. i am very much empathetic to your situation.
for us, we took him on drives so he could kinda see how the city who grew up in changed. i came over at least once a week and we played chess, where i taught him new openings and defenses i studied between visits. i learned new card games to teach him. we talked a lot. if chess and cards arent an option, i would also bring my brothers ipad on visits and he loved the wordscape word puzzles. we could sit and do them for hours. start a show with him, something you can talk about, anything. just make a commitment to visit once a month or every two weeks or whatever time you are able.
As other comments have and will suggest, if it’s feasible for you to make the 6 hour long trip to his house more frequently than you have been, then by all means, do so. Try to visit him every now and again and vice versa, which would at least not leave him essentially stranded alone in his house for months on end. However, if this is not something you can logically do, then does he have a phone? A laptop? The pandemic has made it remarkably easy to interact remotely with loved ones. Make time out of your week or day to video call him (you can use zoom, skype or whatever other video calling service you both are familar with), maybe find some simple virtual board games you can play together. There are plenty of sites that have online versions of classic board games. What are his likes and interests? Is there anything he enjoys that you can join him on remotely? These are all things I did with my friends during quarantine. It may not be as good as spending time together in real life, but it sure beat spending the days wasting away in my room all alone. If he doesn’t have any devices he could do this with and/or doesn’t know how to operate such devices, you could pitch in money and time to buy/teach him how to use them. Regardless of whether this advice is helpful or not, I wish you and your uncle the best, you both sound like caring, good people.
Are there community centers near where he lives? Or any kind of social activities that he would be able to get to?
If not, since you said that there are dozen people who would be willing to see him, perhaps you can work it out among everyone a schedule to see him more often?
It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot you can do regarding the son, unless you visit in person and try to talk to him.
Are there befriending services and groups for older people near your uncle? Often there’s a lot available and volunteers ready to step in, even to help with things like lifts to activities, but older people aren’t always aware of what’s available. I’d do some googling and find out how you can ease his isolation where he is with the help of his local community.
Also, maybe schedule more visits, zoom calls etc, so he has a full calendar to look forward to.
I hate to state the obvious but it wasn’t mentioned….can you not call him?
Also… Don’t get me wrong, 6 hours is a bit far but surely you can visit him more often or have him visit more often than you have.
Yes in a perfect world I would expect his son to want to talk and do things with him but, he doesn’t. and the reason why may have nothing to do with being lazy or uninterested.
Is he depressed? Does he have a strained relationship with his dad? I don’t know but it’s probably best for you to focus on what you can do for your uncle instead of what you think his son should be doing.
As people have said, senior centres/community centres if he doesn’t have severe difficulties with mobility that would require help (though his son SHOULD do it).
But also seconding the phone/iPad/laptop thing. Is that something he would be open to learning if he doesn’t already have one? You said he’s sharp and game for anything. Accessibility options on phones are pretty good, so text size and buttons can be made larger for eyesight/clumsy fingers if there’s any issue there. But it would 1) give you and other friends/family a way to contact him and video chat or do things online with him on a more regular basis. And 2) give him a “project” to keep his mind busy, learning how to use the new tech. And it would open up his world and allow him to maybe make new friends over social media (though would have to teach him the basics of online etiquette and safety if he doesn’t have any experience) and he could watch Netflix or download free e-books or play solitaire or start learning a language or any number of things that could be relatively low-cost or even free.