Last night my boyfriend was acting suspicious. Any time I went near his phone he would cover it with his hand or pick it up quickly. After him doing it multiple times I confronted him and asked him what was going on. He lied and said it was nothing and he didn’t realize he was even doing it.
We argued for about half an hour while I insisted I felt like he was hiding something, and then he came clean. His father had texted him a picture of his daughter earlier in the morning and he didn’t want me to find it. We’ve been dating for 6 months. He moved in with me and we’ve been living together for 2 months and he’s hid this from me the entire time. What’s frustrating is they guy I dated before him also hid the fact that he had a kid from me, and I shared this with him and told him – it wasn’t having a kid that was the problem, the problem was him lying to me and hiding it. I feel like I’ve given this guy so many opportunities to come clean and it wasn’t until I had to force it out of him to tell me the truth.
He said that he has no contact with his kid and he didn’t want to tell me because he was afraid of losing me. That the kid wouldn’t be an issue because he’s not involved. His parents are involved in the kids life because it’s their first grandchild. He said that he’s not involved because the kids mother was after his/his family’s money (they’re very wealthy) I am at a loss for words, shocked, have no idea what I should do. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated
28 comments
Why would you want to be with a deadbeat?
Cuz on top of lying, he doesn’t even take care of his child.
I’d be upset about being lied to for sure. I’d also have some feelings about dating someone who has a child he doesn’t have anything to do with. (And money is a super lame reason to not have contact with your child.)
Why would you want to be with a deadbeat?
Cuz on top of lying, he doesn’t even take care of his child.
Why would you be okay with someone abandoning their child? That’s a preview of what to expect when things go sour.
So he’s a liar and a deadbeat- doesn’t sound like much of a catch.
Advice, he is delighted to lie to you if it benefits him. He’s not a good person and he needs to move out. He’s a liar, and not worth it.
Not only did he lie to you, but he also is not involved in his child’s life – by CHOICE! He’s a liar AND a deadbeat! Why would you want to stay with someone like that?!
Also, I would question the reason he gave about not being involved with his kid. Its possible that the mom was after his money, but he could still be involved with his kid without mom getting money (beyond child support, that is). That’s what court orders regarding custody and child support are for. To me, it sounds like he just didnt want the responsibility of being a parent to the kid.
Not being involved now doesn’t mean the kid may not be a part of your lives later. What if the mom has an accident, or gets severely ill, or becomes neglectful/or abusive, or experiences legal problems, or any other things that may lead to the kid needing a safer/or new stable environment?
His parents seem to be quite involved if he was getting pics sent to him from his dad. If I were you, I would reach out to his folks to see if their story matches what he has told you. But honestly, if I were you, the lying about a child would and being absent from said child’s life would be a deal breaker for me.
Run.
I have dated two people who had kids in whose lives they were not involved or had limited involvement, and one person who had had a kid who had sadly passed away years before, and in all three cases, they disclosed this information to me as soon as it became apparent that we really liked each other and were becoming exclusive, if not sooner
This guy didn’t just wait several months, and he didn’t just wait until after you were living together— he straight up hid it from you and clearly intended to keep on hiding it from you forever, or until it became impossible to hide. This is deliberately deceptive, manipulative, dishonest, and disrespectful. He intentionally maneuvered to deny you information that he expected to be directly relevant to your willingness to date him (aka *informed consent*; he deliberately circumvented your consent) — in other words: 🚩 🚩 🚩
On top of that, he *knew*, because you had very clearly and explicitly told him, that this specific deception was a betrayal you encountered before and that was painful to you and that injured your previous relationship, yet he consciously decided to continue actively deceiving you in the exact same way as your ex. In other words— 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
ALSO:
– He denigrates the mother of his child as a gold digger— +1 🚩
– He is letting his child grow up without a father because of the mother’s supposed gold digging, which is not at all the child’s fault, even if it is true— +3 🚩 🚩 🚩
– He repeatedly *lied to your face* despite very clear and obvious evidence that something was up, until finally forced to come clean— +3 🚩 🚩 🚩
So, OP, how many flags are you willing to ignore, exactly? Because here’s what you’re looking at:
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
And that’s not even counting the flags related to escalating this relationship so quickly that you for some reason
# moved him into your place after only four months
Come on, OP! What are you thinking? Why are you ignoring your gut? Why is this relationship escalating so quickly? When was the last time you stopped to check in with yourself and/or your therapist and/or your most trusted friends to be sure that you’re making good decisions with regard to this relationship?
I strongly recommend getting out of the house and going for a nice long walk by yourself so you can give this whole situation and relationship a good think and critical review. Give your choices and his qualities as a partner the critical review you would expect from loved ones who care about you most and who put your honest best interests ahead of everything else. Decide how much you really want to OWN the decision to stay in this relationship.
“Don’t worry about my kid. I don’t even see the little fucker…it’s cool…my parents got it covered.” Said the biggest shit head ever…your boyfriend. Please change that.
This guy has completely misled you. He went from childless to deadbeat dad in 2.5 seconds. He’s been hiding a lot more than that kid, like his flawed personality. That “after my family’s money” explanation is 100% bullshit. Glad to see from your replies you’re kicking his ass to the curb ASAP.
Don’t move in with someone you’ve only known a few months??
Ask him to move out!! You do not live with someone at 6 months of dating!!
He is involved with the kid, his parents are involved with the kid, he hid this from you!!
Lying to you about it is a deal breaker. Having no involvement in his daughters life is another dealbreaker.
I love this saying: “Tell me the worst thing about you, and let me love you anyway”
Your partner didn’t give you the chance to decide whether you wanted to be with him in his mess. He didn’t love you enough to lay all his cards on the table and GIVE YOU the choice of being with him knowing all of this info. He took that choice away from you.
Time to peace out babe, that’s my 2 cents anyway.
>He said that he’s not involved because the kids mother was after his/his family’s money (they’re very wealthy)
Bullshit. There’s a formula for the amount of child support and being independently wealthy doesn’t change it. He doesn’t want to be involved because he enjoys his freedom more than he enjoys being a positive influence in his child’s life. That level of selfishness, combined with his deceit would have me running.
It seems odd that she won’t let him have contact with the child, without being in a relationship, but his parents do.
Hes a deadbeat, 100%
You need to break up.
Also, I would suggest therapy. There are patterns here, including the fact that TWO BFs lied to you about having kids, so you are missing red flags somehow. You also moved way too fast with someone you knew recently. Six months is way too fast to move in! I wouldn’t move in with someone until I know everything about them, met their family, friends, knew everything about their lives/past/finances.
>He said that he’s not involved because the kids mother was after his/his family’s money (they’re very wealthy)
This makes no sense!
(a) His parents are involved. They are the ones with money.
(b) He got someone pregnant and she and the kid DESERVE support. She didn’t get pregnant on purpose ffs — He is also responsible for the pregnancy
(c) He abandoned his daughter!?!?
(d) If he had so much money, he wouldn’t be needing to move in with his GF so soon.
This why is a liar and irresponsible AH.
You should break up and please get some therapy. I don’t mean this as something bad, but you are clearly missing issues that should raise red flags for you.
And this is why we should wait just a wee bit longer before moving in together….
Lying – not okay.
Sigh. He moved in with you after less than six months of dating, and you are **shocked** that there are surprise issues. Jesus.
He’s a liar and won’t accept his responsibility as a father. I’d end it.
Run , any man who would lie about his own child is never a good person
Do you want kids? Because you now have a perfect example of how this guy will treat any kids with you – not give a shit once you stop having sex with him. That would be an immediate no for me. Him lying for that long makes me want to scream what are you doing why isn’t he an ex?
The real red flag here is that you moved with someone younhave dated for only four months, clearly you don’t knownthis guy enough.
He cut his own child off because he thinks the child’s mother wants to get money from his family? You realised how ridiculous this sound right?
Ewww so you want to be with a deadbeat who lies to you?
If it were me, I would break up with that deadbeat.