My husband has zero libido or need for any kind of intimacy and it’s really starting to affect my mental health. We’ve been together for 10 years, we are best friends, but it’s been something I bring up every few months. He doesn’t think there’s an issue and takes no steps to address the problem. It’s been going on for years so I don’t think it’s a “you’ve been together for so long” type of problem. I truly don’t believe couples that have been together for a while have little to no sex life. Curious what you all have experienced? I don’t think I can live the rest of my life like this but I really don’t want to get a divorce…I just wish he cared enough to try and help the problem. And no, he’s not cheating on me, trust me. If anything, he’s gay, which I’ve tried to talk to him about before but he’s adamant that he isn’t and just never has been a very sexual person. Maybe he’s asexual? I don’t know. I just need some advice because I’m starting to lose my shit and he just keeps pretending everything is fine. Thanks for any advice or personal experiences you can give me 🙏 we have two dogs and zero children.
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You may want to do some reading over on r/deadbedrooms, there are lots of similar stories.
My wife and I are still intimate. We cuddle every night as a way to help her relax and get to sleep faster. Are we as fully intimate as we were when first married? No, but there’s still some regularity even now decades later. We also exchange a quick morning kiss and often a hug once we’re both up (I sleep a lot less than she does – 5-7 hours for me, 8-9 hours for her). Granted, we also have two kids living at home, both 20+, youngest about to head back to college for his 4th year so that does put a damper on intimacy when they’re walking around the house and we can hear them… lol.
To be honest, start with a love language quiz for each of you. I suspect you’ll find physical touch is a top one for you but he’s something completely different (i.e. words of affirmation or quality time). Understanding each others love language can often go a long way to reestablishing that emotional connection.
Married almost 27 years. Yes we’re still intimate. Sex, about twice a week. Affection and cuddling, daily. We went through a deadbedroom and a period of low cuddling and affection.
If you really believe he’s gay, you have bigger issues than no intimacy. He really isn’t capable of loving you in the way that you want or need. It’s no one’s fault. He just wouldn’t be sexually attracted to a woman.
My wife and I have been together for 5 years. We have one child together and I’d say within the last 2 years our intimacy has drastically dropped. She is not a very sexual person, claims she doesn’t need it in a relationship but doesn’t do much to meet my needs even with therapy. We’ve gone through finding what helps her feel comfortable, safe, respected, loved etc and there seems like very little effort on her part to work on our intimacy. It’s actually extremely frustrating and while I’ve always been patient it does hurt because you want to feel wanted and desired. I don’t remember the last time she’s initiated sex and often times when we do have sex she says she’s done it out of guilt…that makes me feel better lol. I don’t know, I’ve just started to put more focus into what I want in life and if we can’t grow together as a couple then at least I’m making myself a better person. I just don’t see the point in being married to someone you can’t share yourself with or expecting someone with a high sex drive to just deal with it.
Married 25 years (both 48 years old) and we make love 3-4 x per week and cuddle every night in bed. We also make it a point to hug and touch each other throughout the day.
Your husband may have low testosterone, which can definitely affect libido and how much affection he gives you. Getting on TRT years ago was a life-changer for me!
12 years. We have sex on average 6 days a week. Some form of physical intimacy every day. It’s been a trek to get here but I’m thankful to be. I spent the first few years of our marriage having sex 2 times a year at the very most.
If you’re not happy everything is not fine and it should be a goal for both parties to fix it. I’d request counseling. If he’s unwilling, in my opinion, that tells you what you need to know.
58/64 married 31+ years. now averaging sex 2.5 times a week. I’d break it down like this.
DB more or less from before marriage for the first 9 years of the marriage. at most 10 times a year. I can’t speak for her but I would have described us as “happy.” Years 10-17 or so fucked like rabbits. Lots of experimentation. Also an extremely emotional time full of fights on the subject. It could get pretty ugly. That sorta quietened down years 18-31. Still some emotion and fighting on it but less. The frequency went down a bit but not too much. I was pretty much an asshole during this period, always worried about money, rarely connecting with her emotionally.
I’m here now because starting a couple months ago I decided I want to be the husband she deserves. I think I’m doing a whole lot better, and at least I’m having a whole lot more fun. I think it’s got her pretty fuckin nervous though. Like hey dude, you’re nice. WTF? Did you kill someone?
Our sex life has waned over the years, but even now (20 years) the lowest amount of sex per week we’ve ever had was 1 x a week. Right now we are about 2 x’s a week. We kiss and hug daily. Hold hands when we are out and about. We cuddle every time we watch a movie or show together.
Married for 17 years together for 19, we have sex 3-4 times a week. I think sex is very important in a relationship and a dead bedroom only works if both people are not into having sex. You’ll have to get it across to him how important this is to you and as your husband he should at least make an attempt to fill this need.
Our frequency of sex has gone up and down over 19 years due to a number of factors. I’ve always had the higher drive but adjusted to meet her closer to where she was. It helps she has never been at a low enough libido to constitute what I’d call a dead bedroom.
We went from 6-7 times a week the first few years with her initiating regularly before children, to her seemingly losing all interest and not initiating at all. She almost never turned me down and seemed to be enjoying it once we got going, but I could see the lack of interest so initiated a lot less. So like once a week and as the baby would get older she seemed more interested (though still not initiating) and so it went to two and then three times a week. Then we’d have another kid and back down to one. Repeat for three kids.
I wasn’t thrilled about once a week, but it was enough to not feel a sense of rejection. Helping that is that I was reading her interest level and not initiating so often that she felt a need to turn me down.
Our longest periods without sex were maybe 8-10 weeks after the birth of children which is not a difficult thing given the situation and being both busier and more tired with a newborn. I basically didn’t make any attempts or comments about sex after a birth and just waited for her to let me know when she was ready.
And once for 6 weeks when I realized she had stopped initiating and wanted to see if she would initiate at all if wasn’t doing that part. After 6 weeks I gave in and initiated. Right after she said how great it was and that it had been way too long. You can imagine my confusion, lol. This was a long time ago. I didn’t know there was such a thing as responsive desire.
Our youngest got out of the toddler stage several years ago and we were pretty consistent at 3 times a week with me doing all the initiating.
I mentioned to her one day that a friend though that 3 times a week was a lot. She replied “honestly, I could do with more.” I told her I could too but I needed her to initiate a couple times a week (it had been all me since the birth of our first) because when you’re the only one initiating you feel like you’re being a pest.
She rose to the challenge and we’ve been pretty steady at around 5 times a week the past few years, both initiating regularly and have been more adventurous and better with communication around sex as well.
I’m a strong believer that sex is an essential part of marriage. It’s so much more that just physical for me. It’s an emotional relationship need just as valid as any other. But just like others, it’s affected by a lot of things that may change our ability to show up fully for a period of time. Some understanding goes a long way in both directions when that’s the case.
Reading what you said about his testosterone level being just barely in the normal range, I think he needs to see another doctor that doesn’t just look at a number and check the “meets parameters” box. That’s engineering, not doctoring.
How often are you intimate? You’re not alone.
Married 10 years, we have a 9 year old and a 1 year old (sometimes this helps put things into perspective).
We have sex at least 2-3x a week, 4x on a good week.
We hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. every single day. Even when we’re fighting we’ll usually give each other an “I am still mad at you” kiss before leaving home.
Married 10 years, we have a 9-year-old and a 1-year-old (sometimes this helps put things into perspective).