After reading all the responses, I decided to delete this post. I felt too disgusted by this low effort dirty man and decided to end things. There were too many things going wrong, he’s a grown man that should know how to take care of himself and how to treat a woman. I’m disappointed in myself but I’m glad that I didn’t hookup with him or let it go any further…
I decided to block him and move on. I let him know everything that he did wrong and called him out on his bs. He was shocked but at least now he’ll never forget to shower, brush his teeth, clean his bathroom/house, respect a woman and freshen up before a date.
45 comments
End it omg. And tell him the reason na u dont like poor hygiene men.
Constructive criticism would be a nice thing to for him.
There will probably be many ppl telling you that communication is key but I think this is too big a task for you, 3 weeks in. It would be one thing if it was just his breath but his problem extends to his lack of showering, house keeping and more. I don’t see how your going to be able to tell him this and still have a relationship.
Hey man, you stinky
I can’t believe people are trying to say you’re asking for too much when it’s literal basic hygiene. This man is 33 years old. Who the fuck shows up to a first date reeking of BO?
If y’all ever get intimate, this man and his poor hygiene could give you a yeast infection. I would talk to him straight up, not feather around it like a child. Basic hygiene is literally the least someone could ask for.
Decide if you like him enough to want to address this for yourself before you have a conversation about. That way you can pick what you want to say, as it would be different if you were telling him for both of your benefit or just for his/future women.
Don’t shame him or use the words dirty. Don’t talk about the risk of infection. Or make assumptions as to why he doesn’t clean.
Let him know that his hygiene standards are not in line with your expectations and you find that a turn off.
That you’d expect someone to shower regularly, brush their teeth daily, use Deodorant, wash their hands and clean under their nails, change their clothes/sheets/towels, keep their home clean, etc.
That this would be the minimum standard for you (or another woman) to want to get physically close with him, let alone have sex. Then see how he responds.
He might be totally unaware or he might not care. Its also possible he is dealing with depression and masking it well as self care tends to be a lower priority when you’re unhappy and don’t like yourself. Again don’t be an arm chair psychologist about it, if he wants to talk about the why that’s on him. Simply state your boundaries and expectations then let him do the rest.
you’re not wrong for this, a good hygiene is a must have in every person especially when dating, but from what you said you sound like a person who cares more about it than normal people so it’s not wrong to discuss this with your partner and if he gets offended by it or something then you too are not compatible with each other
I experienced aomething similar. I was once dating a girl, she was good looking and nice – but smelled of BO, and it was clear she didn’t wash her hair much.
I’m a very straight forward guy, I said something to the effect of “please don’t be offended by this, I’m saying this because I care, not because I’m trying to make a fool of you, but you don’t smell very nice, and it puts me off a little.” She seemed a little embarrassed but I gave her reassurance that she doesn’t need to be. For the record, it was a few occasions before I realised this was a habitual thing. It wasn’t a one off situation.
She did a complete 180, her hygiene went to being awesome, she smelt good, and no doubt she learned something about herself – it’s a win for everyone here! Including my stupid nose who one day decided to just live on my face. Doesn’t even pay rent or anything. But anyway.
An added bonus is this. It’s an opportunity to see if they are a defensive person. If they get defensive or angry about something which is coming from a good place, then you have essentially dodged a bullet, too.
Let us know if he ends up going from stinky to minty! Hopefully he will come to love his shower!
Good luck you internet person!
I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship with someone who lacks that much of basic hygiene. It would be an instant turn off for me before investing myself too much. You may tell him (maybe no one has before) but I’m afraid his problem does extends to every part from not showering, bad breath, to house keeping etc. You have only being seeing him for 3 weeks I don’t know how you’re going to tell him all this
I have depression so I don’t clean up a lot but for fucks sake and the sake of the poor girl id be with.. I at least do a full service clean inside and out before dates and hanging out. I would be so self conscious it would force me to leave and go clean myself if I was him. Sheesh
How a man keeps his bathroom/toilet says alot about him
This man is 33 years old and commenters on this post be like “aww, he probably just needs to be taught how to have good hygiene.” OP do you want a boyfriend or a child? At 33, if he doesn’t know good hygiene, you’re not going to teach him.
Happened to me. His nails were long and dirty. His place? A mess. His bathroom? Really dirty. He was the sweetest tho 🙁 It didnt work out
yes mum
I have no suggestion as to how to deal with his housekeeping and showering habits (or lack thereof), but I can address the getting an infection from unwashed hands part, as I’ve been there once.
After that once instance, every time the situation arose that someone wanted to be touchy like that with unwashed hands, I would politely but firmly stop them and tell them “I’m so sorry, but the only way this can happen is if your hands are clean, otherwise I risk developing an infection”. Basically, the truth, and if that ruined the mood, too bad so sad, I’d much rather that than going through days of agony and antibiotics an infection would lead to.
But honestly, no matter how attractive he may be, I think I would lose all interest in him if he was the way you describe this guy. Stench + dirt > tall and handsome, IMO.
He’s a 30 year old man if he hasn’t learned by now he won’t. Cleanliness is habitual.
“You have poor hygiene”
Personally I would leave bc I don’t have time to teach a grown man basic hygiene. It’s only been 3 weeks anyway. If he asks what happened I would tell him but don’t be rude about it.
You aren’t a match
This would be a deal breaker for me. I’m not trying to date to teach people things. This is a big one. It’s been 3 weeks. Are you worried you can’t find a guy who already has good hygiene? There are other men out there.
girl come on
I’ve went on a few first dates with guys like that. There was never a second date.
Most of this is not “poor personal hygiene.”
You don’t have to shower between work and a date, unless your job is something very sweaty or dirty. He had probably showered that morning so why shower again?
And I see no problem with wearing work clothes to a date. And who cares if he didn’t wear cologne???? That has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact, it’s probably unhygienic to wear cologne given all the shit that’s in it.
The fact that you always use mouthwash after eating is actually kind of obsessive. I think it’s nice that he’s not self conscious about that.
The one thing I agree with you on if the last point. If a man is going to put his hands in you, tell him to wash them!!!
What you describe about him is probably pretty basic hygiene. What you describe about yourself is above and beyond what many people consider good hygiene. Some people have a preference for higher levels of cleanliness than others, and both types of people are right. Preferring extremely clean doesn’t make someone who is less so a slob or dirty.
But it is a mismatch in personality that can be hard to overcome. Those types of focuses tend to run deeper than just how often a person showers, it is often a part of how people experience their world.
So you could tell him to please wash his hands before sex. You could buy him cologne, if he can wear it or is OK doing so- an increasing number of people cannot stand being around perfumes, much less wear them. And you could be willing to take on more household cleaning tasks if things progress to such a point. But to think you should change him or train him is the wrong approach. First, because there is nothing *wrong* with him. You just have a preference for a much higher level of cleanliness. Second, because getting into a relationship with the expectation of changing something about the other person is never a good plan.
You are actually high in hygiene, not average. I was expecting him to be someone who goes 10 days without brushing teeth, same amount of time without showering, which would be gross. Except for the sweatty part, which should not have happened, there is nothing wrong with his hygiene in my view. Maybe you just aren’t compatible?
Real talk, if you got a UTI from this dude outright tell him and then leave him. That shit is beyond gross and unsanitary for yourself and him.
Basic hygiene is such a foundational piece of being a normal person. If they can’t clean up after themselves, it’s not my responsibility to tell them. It’s my responsibility to leave
Drop him.. if a 33 year old dude can’t figure basic hygiene, he’s bound to have bigger problems than that.
He has no self awareness, okay maybe he showers more often but is he doing it well? Scrubbing his ass, is he going to brush and floss, is he going to scrape the mold from their shower, etc etc. there is SO MUCH that goes into being a clean person and if he’s not even willing to do the absolute bare minimum without being told… it’s always going to be a disappointment. Maybe, don’t.
To be fair if anyone isn’t aware of their own odor/hygiene that is a red flag.
You don`t. You walk away and don`t let him touch you. Hygiene is part of the bare minimum, if it`s not there let it be his problem not yours.
I say this for the future, although that infection must be lesson enough.
“How do I tell a man that he has poor personal hygiene?”
” I’ve been talking to this guy (33M) for 3 weeks.”
(You are entitled to have your own “red flags”, boundaries, and “deal breakers”.)
Instead of “taking on a project” to change a 33-year-old man’s hygiene you should move on.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
The goal is to have a “soulmate” not a cellmate.
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
This is basic adulting here, and it’s not necessary for you to being managing his hygiene after two dates.
You said you weren’t going to hook up, then you did precisely that.
It’s up to you if you want to continue seeing him, but if he can’t even think to wash his hands, you’re going to be managing a thousand other basic things, too. In exchange for a vaginal infection. 🙁
I read Update 2.
You’re asking him to practice basic hygiene. Not for him to look like a male model. And his cleaning habits is telltale sign that you’re going to be the one mothering him.
Wow I’m over here showering, moisturizing, washing my hand and putting on cologne for nothing lol smh
Men out here living like a zoo animal and hooking up while I cuddle w my pillow life isn’t fair /s
Bro can’t go his whole life not cleaning himself up for a lady. Even more so, being in his 30’s. He was either never taught basic hygiene, or how to act and present yourself around your date, especially a lady. You can sugar coat it all you want, but he needs to be made aware. How he reacts to it is his problem. You don’t owe him anything.
RAISE. YOUR. STANDARDS. Please, Sweetie, you owe it to yourself. This has nothing to do with men.
Him blocking you the first time when you tried communicating your needs and informing him of your infection is a huge turn off and red flag.
Personal hygiene is self responsibility. He’s 33 and should know how to take good care of himself. If he can’t, what makes you think he can care for you? This is just a personal opinion but I think you deserve better.
I chuckled a little at this bit
“I asked him if he wanted some but he said no since I already did…”
The bar is in hell.
Tell him he funky and needs to use Dr. squash soap
POOR HYGEINE FOR ME IS A BIG NO NO
I mean did he not shower after work before a date? I’ve done that. My bf has done that. How do you not know someone put their finger up your a-hole?? She should know that causes a UTI. Did his breath stink? or was it just bc he did use mouthwash? I don’t carry mouthwash or a tooth brush everywhere I go. What if you had a date out and he kissed you without having a mouthwash nearby? Do you go to Walgreens to get some real quick? Are you being OCD or was this guys stinking so bad from not showering for days? My bf doesn’t have perfectly minty breath all the time but I still enjoy his kiss.
What in the fuck did I just read… Hahahaha I feel so bad for the both of you…..
She has some valid concerns. However my valid concern is that she didn’t realize that cross contamination from ass play to p***y play could lead to a UTI. There is a reason you wipe from front to back…ladies know your anatomy.